Thanks for this Nomsie. I too have twin boys - 7 months old -- they don't sleep and I have been doing it on my own for too long. Thanks for being brutally honest - makes me realize I am not alone in feeling the way I do!I'm not ashamed to share my horrible parenting stories (and I have lots of them!) if it helps someone else.
I guess my issues started when I found out I was having twins.. I have many threads here on BH from back at that time discussing how upset I was at this news... I mourned the fact I wouldn't have one single baby to love.. I wouldn't have a close bond with my first child, I would have to spread myself between two. I cried for months on end and I suddenly hated the idea of being pregnant. Of course I didn't dream of aborting... but it wasn't the textbook "I love my baby so much" thoughts that most mothers talk about during their pregnancy. (And it's only now, 2.5 years later that I have VERY strong feelings towards my sons of the "I WOULD DIE FOR YOU" variety. And that itself is just so shameful to me)
And then of course once they came I was a mess. I am so thankful my Mum put her life on hold for 6 months to exclusively help me. MY DP was hopeless and hardly ever home.. and I just didn't know what to do with two very active children who hardly ever slept, and both wanted to be cuddled all day. I just didn't have laid back children like some lucky mothers do.. and add that to the fact I was already frazzled just because there were two of them and it was a dynamic mix in all the wrong ways.
I would break into hysteria because I didn't know what to dress them in for the night. I wasn't sleeping, and hardly eating or drinking enough (or of the right stuff) to be giving them proper breastmilk in the early days.
On a few occasions when they were awake for hours on end during the night I would lose the plot. Seriously lose the plot. I would scream at them and yes- I will admit it- I was a little bit rough with them. Never anything that would harm them- let me be clear. But actions that weren't stemmed from love, that's for sure. Dumping them in their cots, or changing positions with them in my arms that wasn't exactly loving.
I remember on a few occasions in the middle of the night I went into DP and told him if he didn't do anything I would hurt them. (Um.. it wasn't a threat, btw.. it was a warning.. it was a 'please help me- I am so worried I am going to hurt them"..) and I would sit for 5 minutes or so with them both screaming and then go back in calm and try again.
But when I say I yelled at them.. I would scream at them (little babies, mind you) slam the door and collapse on the floor in the feotal position sobbing. As I say, I really wasn't in a good way.
Even now, that I KNOW I love them so much and I really WOULD do anything for them I still make mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel as much love for B as I do for L, as B is slightly more challenging. A completley different character.. L has a heart of gold, whereas B is out for himself. I don't begrudge him this, but here I find myself admitting I have to work a lot harder at loving him every day.
And really, that's just the tip of the iceberg. So if it helps anyone realise that mistakes in parenting aren't just of the acciden variety, then I'm glad that shaming myself so publicy has served its purpose.
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18-07-2013 17:00 #301Senior Member
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18-07-2013 17:06 #302
Big hugs to everyone. Im so glad this thread hasnt been derailed at all, I think its important everyone has a place to vent without negative comments
18-07-2013 17:08 #303
I hope you have someone who can help you out on occasion, or at least someone you can talk to.. by 7 months you really have passed the worst of it, and it does keep getting better from here on in (right now I have one on the chair behind me, and one on the chair next to me, running their fingers through my hair and giving me cuddles- better than paying to go to a spa )
18-07-2013 17:12 #304
I want you both to know your doing a great job. I was born to be a mum, it was all I ever wanted. You know what I have had weeks and months where I didn't know how I was going to get through the next hour nether-lone the next day. It ok to feel this way. Every mum has felt this way at some point.
It's great that you are letting those feeling out, it helps. Take each hour as it comes and seek help from your gp if you need it, TALK to someone your comfortable with regularly. If you can find someone to give you 30 mins break take it. Everyone needs to recharge their batteries.
There is no such thing as the perfect mum. There only us the women of the world trying to find what works for us and our babies. Please remember no two babies are a like. You need to try different things to find what works for that baby. So you/it haven't failed, it just wasn't right for that baby.
Do things to make your life easier makes for a happier mum and that is in the best interest for your child. If your less stress you baby is more likely to settle so in no way is it selfish to put things in place to make your life easier.
18-07-2013 17:14 #305
When I had DS1 I actually felt enriched, like he'd added to me, made me be a better person.
But I usually feel like DS2 and DS3 have stolen my soul and turned me into someone I don't recognise. And I don't particularly like her.
DD is much more like DS1. We often joke that if we'd just had the two of them we'd be certain we were perfect parents... I'd be absolutely intolerable on here
PS And some days I do wish it was just the two of them
18-07-2013 17:23 #306
I often feel that despite raising my step-daughter full time, I'm just not cut out to be a step parent, it's by far the hardest most emotional thing I've ever done. How will I feel when my biological child is born, am I going to neglect her because my baby is really 'mine' and I'm not surrogate mother like I am with her. I don't want to push her away cause I have my own, I consider her mine. But what if I'm not strong enough to keep those feelings away.
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18-07-2013 17:38 #307
My older 3 boys were quite 'easy' I even seem to be getting through the teenage years mostly unscathed.
DD came along and knocked the wind right out of my possibly overconfident sails..... So humbling.
My best friend after hearing me complain over and over again that the baby literally doesn't sleep offered to come over for the day 'lets tag team the little monster' between us we were the mother of 7 boys and she is also a nurse..... Well all I can say is she left at the end of the day and said ' mate I'm exhausted I don't know how you do it' lol
Can laugh about it now ...
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18-07-2013 21:30 #308
I love this thread, does anyone know why it can't be a sticky?
It's great to see it being used a few years after it started, it needs to be a book or something!!
19-07-2013 05:01 #309
Best thread. Should be a sticky fir sure and published into a book.....would be a best seller i reckon!!
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19-07-2013 05:39 #310
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