((Hugs))I must get this out so here goes:
I am mum to a 9 week old DD. I never wanted to be a mother. I knew deep down I was too selfish for motherhood. I knew I'd be terrible at it. Babies tend to dislike me.
I met my DH 3 years ago and he told me right away how keen he was for a baby. Approaching 40 I could see why. He never pushed me though. Oh no, I was stupid enough to do that to myself.
Our TTC journey was tough and long. That should have been a dead give away right there. But nope, I had to stubbornly persist. Because I'm stupid like that.
Now that our long awaited daughter is here I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock. I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I suck at being a parent and I especially suck at being a mother.
I try to put her on routines and am constantly changing things on her to make it easier for me. Yes, I'm a horrible selfish human being who doesn't deserve this precious girl laying beside me
DH isn't much help. He claims to have wanted this more than anything yet I have to prompt him to have one on one time with her. Even then he pulls out his phone to play poker
I feel like he fooled me. I feel ripped off. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was supposed to have a baby that sleeps all night. I was supposed to have a husband who would share the load with me. I hate this so much ...
So here I am at rock bottom. I've thrown out all the books that tell me what to do and what routine ti have my girl on. It's about time I stopped being a selfish a$$ and just let her lead. So now I will. I must lean once and for all you can't control a human being ...
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18-07-2013 14:13 #281Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
The Following User Says Thank You to NancyBlackett For This Useful Post:
18-07-2013 14:32 #282
You're in a safe place here, please ask for whatever you need
18-07-2013 14:39 #283
It gets better!
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18-07-2013 14:41 #284
The very fact that you are trying to do whatever it takes to keep your daughter settled and happy indicates to me that you are far from sucking as a mother imo.
Vent whenever you need to, as pp said, this a safe place, ask questions, pm people if you need.
I know that for me, it did get better.
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18-07-2013 14:44 #285
18-07-2013 14:46 #286
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18-07-2013 15:02 #287
18-07-2013 15:03 #288
18-07-2013 15:04 #289
It's a tough gig isn't it.
I can remember the frustration and powerlessness after my DD was born, she was nearly 15 years after my last baby, I had has 3 previous babies so the last thing I was worried about was coping with a bub.
Fast forward to DD who never slept, had no routine and just wanted to be awake and held. Life felt like it just came to a screeching stop, most days I was too exhausted to even drive. One memorable evening I served up my sons birthday roast dinner at 11 o'clock at night!
The best thing I ever did was take a deep breath, a step back and instead of fighting it, accepted it. So if I spent all day holding DD in my pjs, so be it. The relief I felt was immeasurable, it was so much better that worrying about things I couldn't change.
It gets better OP, it really does, just hang in there.
Much love xxxx
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18-07-2013 15:04 #290
I'm not trying to be PLOM, just, I guess, you're not alone. And I'm not alone. There are dozens of us struggling to keep our heads above water. But I can tell you this: after 12 weeks it gets easier. It gets more rewarding as your little one will be able to respond to you with smiles and cuddles and kisses and show you just how much she adores you. You are her world. You will find your stride.
And you are a wonderful mother. I know how much you love your daughter. That's all she needs right now. There's no such thing as a perfect mother. But we are all here beside you in our imperfections too.
Please seek help from your GP if you are feeling this way often. And tell your husband to pull his finger out. He will never get this time back, and it goes so quickly xx
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