Do you know what is sad? I HAVE NO SECRETS I HAVEN'T SHARED ON HERE OR ON MY BLOG BEFORE NOW.
I wish DD didn't look like her biological birth father. I HATE that she looks like him. Especially the thick eyebrows. Can you pluck a 2 year old's eye brows? Wax them, maybe???? She's my daughter. Honestly, he's had very little to do with her, ever...
Hello, Toddler's and Tiaras, can you suggest to me any good beauticians for my little girl? I need to permantly remove hair from my daughter's face for aesthetic reasons..
Seriously. If I knew a way it wouldn't hurt her, I'd remove those mofo eyebrows.
I fantasied about smothering DD around 6- 8 months with a pillow, and thinking I could get away with it because everyone would think it was SIDS.
I've covered this story in other threads, but I was in a very unhappy relationship. I see women here complain their husbands are emotionally unavailable, and I want to snort. (That's another confession.) You think he's emotionally unavailable for THAT lame reason? The ex never wanted to do bed room stuff with me after DD was born. He didn't see the point in saying hello to me. He never hugged me, touched me, offered me love or comfort. He could happily go days without talking to me, because he felt no need to. On a weekend, I'd wake and he'd be watching tv/ playing computer games/ playing playstation. He would do this all weekend, without talking to me, without interacting with DD.
I told him three times I wanted to kill our DD- once in writing, twice while hysterical in tears, and he ignored me.
After we broke up, I discovered some interesting things because he never changed his facebook password. Hell, I still log on to keep an eye on him! (Anyone else?) Anyways, I discovered:
1) He likes putting cucumbers up his bum for sexual gratification. (Actually discovered this while packing up the house with my bestie.)
2) he had a threesome where the woman put a strap on on and did him...
3) he did the deed with a man.
4) Also, normal hetrosexual stuff with women he found online.
All within a month of us breaking up. Feral with rage.
I wish he would die on deployment in Afghanistan so I never had to see him again. I'd rather tell my daughter her daddy died a hero and is watching her from heaven, then um and err when she asks where he daddy is now, because he mostly doesn't bother to visit her. On one hand, I'm kinda glad. It means I can move on with our lives. On the other hand, I'm outraged for DD that her father can discard her like that.
DD has made me less fearful. Once, I could never admit I was depressed. I could never admit the dark spots in my soul. But once I had her... I want to kill myself, I wasn't worthy of the honour of being her mother. She deserved better than the wreck that I was. I shouldn't scream at this little baby. I should not resent her, I should not dislike her. it's not falling off the cliff that is hard, it's climbing back to the top with broken legs... But giving words to the ugly hidden parts... it's like they evaporated.
I'm not scared of swimming along the current and I'm more proactive.
Today I am the happiest I've ever been. It's weird, but there is no way I could have gotten here without the bad spots with DD. I don't remember a lot of her first year. Neither does she. I suppose we are both grateful. But because of her, and the lessons I've learnt, I think I've become a better person.... aw hell, I KNOW I'm better! less selfish. More loving. More affectionate. I gained 20kgs and lost the ability to wear a bikini... but I've never been more confidant. Not the brass confidence of 18 years old and wearing a tiny skirt and sky high heels down the street, with loads of alcohol surging through my veins, while men turn to admire my long, slim legs... now those legs have spider veins (ALREADY I AM TOO YOUNG FOR THIS SURELY) cellulite, and they're lesbian-grade hairy. I have more lines from stretch marks than the pacific high way has lines.
But I'm ok. I'm happy. I have the quiet confidance now that I'm ok in my own skin, even if I don't show that skin off. I sing all the time around the house and fearlessly in the car.
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20-12-2012 23:53 #241
21-12-2012 00:13 #242Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
God! I feel terrible most days. I have 3 and most days im really beating myself up.
I WANT to enjoy them more but when I hear them in the morning I feel anxious and feel I'm not ready to start the day yet .... I'm not strong enough, I'm annoyed already. I feel like I need to buck my ideas up they are precious and one day they will be older , they are babies and I should be enjoying every minute ..... But the truth is its harder than I ever could of imagined and I'm so sad I'm not the mother I want to be. I feel failure lurking around every corner .
I feel tremendous guilt over my sons autism , like I'm never doing enough for him .... I want to hug him and tell him how much I love him ( and i do ) but when I speak he speaks and he winds me up so much . I'm so annoyed with myself for not coping , I feel our connection is slipping even though he is doing so much better than I could of hoped .... I hate that when he is at preschool I'm so relaxed with my other two. I hate I have a short fuse with him. My husband says I'm a lovely mum , but inside I'm devastated and angry . I love my son so much and I'm so bloody disappointed in myself. I too cannot look at some photos as the mental place I was in back then was not good. I was overwhelmed and under supported .
I have a thousands other stories , but this is my daily feeling. I want to enjoy my kids more but I am so exhausted and I feel so bloody guilty and I'm terrified one day it will be 15 years from now and I will look back and just see this mum who felt sick with anxiety , guilt , anger ..... And missed all the joy .
I'm sure it's because of lack of proper sleep the last 4 years. I may of had a couple of nights here and there but really I sleep very little.
Big Christmas hugs to us all .xxx and huge hugs to my children . I truly love you so so much. I'm sorry I'm a grump. Xxx
Thanks for starting this thread London xxxx
21-12-2012 00:23 #243
Re: Motherhood: The Shameful Secrets
Ok so I spent an hour reading through every single post and firstly everybody deserves massive hugs for sharing some of the saddest lowest points in their life, I really admire your courage and bravery.
Im not going to go into full on details but I have said and thought many things in this thread about DS. I struggled with pnd and I have never felt so sick and guilt ridden about anything than I have with the first year of my little boys life. I regret every bad moment and thought, I shudder at the things I used to say and think about DS and my life at the time. I have always been in love with him since the day he was born but I feel like I have been through hell with him and it was never his fault it was mine because I wasnt doing my job properly. He was a shocking sleeper, he had reflux, he couldnt be put down and he just always cried. I feel like I use those things as excuses for thinking and feeling the way I did because I resented being a mother all the time. I had also never felt so useless and dark and honestly I wondered many times what I was thinking having a baby....that I didnt deserve him and he deserved better than me. I will never forgive myself I dont think...to this day I cant shake that sick feeling I get when I think back to my first year as a mother. Im sad that I dont get that time back with him but now I know I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him.
I guess Im just putting it out there that this thread had been my saviour tonight and Im so thankful it was started and bumped again tonight. I needed to see that Im not a complete monster or failure and that I wont forgive myself but I do feel comfort in the fact that Im not alone
Sorry to ramble Its late, Im tired but I couldnt not get all that off my chest!
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Last edited by Purple Lily; 21-12-2012 at 00:31.
21-12-2012 09:17 #244
21-12-2012 09:38 #245
Motherhood: The Shameful Secrets
Everyone here needs to forgive themselves because everyone here has had these moments.
21-12-2012 11:53 #246
21-12-2012 13:37 #247Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
I actually feel great today after getting my feelings out . I'm having a fantastic day with my beautiful kids. Thanks!!!
21-12-2012 13:38 #248
The Following User Says Thank You to lambjam For This Useful Post:
21-12-2012 13:47 #249
The Following User Says Thank You to London For This Useful Post:
21-12-2012 13:56 #250
Motherhood: The Shameful Secrets
I have read most of this thread and it has given me hope. Here are the bare bones truth about what people experience as parents and there is no judgement. We all do our best and do what we have to to get through the most challenging times as parents.
I find parenting a toddler one of the hardest things I've ever done. Some days there is nothing left in my tank and I basically throw her at DH when he gets home. I keep thinking babies are soooo much easier! Their needs are so simple in comparison. Do I love her...more than life itself, but its still hard some days. And some days are just filled with the joy of her.
I have been on BH since 2006 (I know!!!) and I am sad that I can't post as honestly on here as I once did. There is just too much judgement and comparison now. But this thread is a lovely change.
The Following User Says Thank You to pippi For This Useful Post:
Gracie's Mum (06-06-2013)
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