Motherhood: The Shameful Secrets

[jbish]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to London for starting this thread. How very brave of you! Thank you to all the ladies brave enough to share as well. You have inspired me. I have been struggling for a while now and i'm thinking that perhaps if I post in here and put all the feelings out there, somehow, it will make it just a little bit better... So here goes...

When DD was born my world turned upside down. I had this beautiful little baby that my heart ached for and I found it very difficult to deal with that feeling alone. We had a few rough nights in hospital where she cried all night, wanted to feed all night etc etc. We got home and I was releived but I was terrified. I literally had no idea what to do next. The next few weeks just flew by in a haze of sleep deprevation and utter exhaustion. I struggle to actually remember a lot of it. I was doing ok in the beginning and then it hit me. Like a freight train. I wasn't sleeping, I was barely eating and I was not coping. My baby would scream all the time. She wouldn't sleep. She would start at 4pm and would not stop screaming until maybe 3 or 4am when my DP would take her driving in the car just to get her to sleep.

I had so much anxiety at the time that I cried and panicked when she was sleeping in another room. As exhausted as I was, when DP would take her for a drive to get her to sleep I would insit on coming instead of sleeping because I just counldn't bear the guilt of being away from her.

3 months in and my anxiety and anger had peaked. I had experienced times when I would be screaming and crying myself, while holding and desperatley trying to calm and sooth my screaming and crying baby, my DP would try to take her from me to help and I would scream at him and tell him to eff off. I felt so scared that he would do a better job at calming her then me and I would be relevealed as the failure of a parent that I truely was.

One night, while trying to get DD to sleep, she screamed and screamed for hours and I eventually roughly placed her in the cot, screamed at her to go to sleep, walked out and punched a hole in my wall. I was blinded by rage. I then sat in the shower and sobbed for hours. My DP took me to the dr the next day and I was diagnosed with PND, medicated and admited to a sleep school to help with the baby. After much hard work there was light at the end of the tunnel. My baby started sleeping better, she got into a routine and I started to recover.

I have suffered anxiety and depression for most of my life now but that particular time was the darkest place I've ever been. What is scary is that nearly 2 years on, it is happening again. I played with the idea of having another baby, tried and failed for a few months and it has sent me over the edge again. I am back on my medication and barely coping. My DD is nearly 2 now and she is full on. Such a handful. Everyday I feel like a failure. I hear myself yell, and sometimes smack out of sheer frustration and I hate myself for it. I am not the parent I want to be and i'm so scared because I don't know how to change it. I don't think my medication is working. Everyday is a struggle.

Anyway, thats me and my craziness in a nutshell. I feel so ashamed of the way I am but sharing it out loud might feel like a weight of my shoulders... I guess we will see.

[London]

jbish

[fichicken]

Ok my big confession

When my dd was 11 months old her daddy went away with the army, I did not cope at all.

One morning I left her sobbing in her cot until 11 am because I was so friggin depressed I could not get out of bed and just hated the world. I will never forgive myself for being like that to her because I really do love her so much I just was not coping at all on my own.

I've had some other fine moments like when I left her in the shopping trolley capsule when she was 3 weeks old. I did not realise till I started to reverse my car and glanced back at her carseat.

I think it good to share these stories with one another and realise we are all in the same boat really.

[laurea]

Oh Jbish! Your story sounds similar to me when i had my first child. She was sooo full on as well. I felt like i couldn't win. I couldn't get her to sleep or to be calm with me or even want to cuddle without squirming- it felt like complete rejection. I hated being a mother to be honest- back then. None of it was pleasurable it all made me feel worthless and even more so for hating it all.
Sleep deprivation can make everything 1million times worse as well- no wonder it has been used as a form of torture- it truely is!

Anyway you're not alone hun not at all. Believe it or not you will get to a point where you are happy and feel normal again, i know it prob doesn't feel like it right now but you will. And if or when you have another baby it does not mean you will feel the same! I swear i only had a horrible time with my first, so it's possible to have more and be totally fine.

Anyway *huge hugs* and thanks for sharing

[FirstTimeMummy2012]

Dr's don't want me on meds while preggers, and they want me to give it 2 weeks postpartum before I go see a psych or whatever to give any pnd a chance to 'develop' before organizing a course of treatment

Hi jadeelyon

Honestly, your post concerns me. Let me get this straight. Your GP doesn't want you on meds because you're pregnant and wants to wait until after baby is born to treat you. Is he an idiot?? You are obviously already suffering some form of depression and it is ridiculous that he doesn't want to treat you for it. I was pregnant and was put on meds (pregnancy friendly) due to anxiety and depression. Pregnanacy hormones made my anxiety/depression much worse so I am so glad i was treated while I was pregnant or I'm just not sure how I would have coped and I don't even have any other children to look after. Please see another GP. You don't have to suffer until the baby is born and you can be treated now under the right direction even while pregnant. I really hope you get the help you need and please PM if you have any questions or need any help.

[Doc]

Subbing to come back laterredo thankful for the small bit that I have read

[Mod-Zeddie]

Wow before reading this thread I thought I was bi-polar or just didn't love being a mum as much as other people seemed to. My emotions have been up n down with DS I love him soo much but sometimes I don't even want to be near him. I always wondered why everyone else had only good times with their bub but i see now they just never tell you about the bad stuff.

One of the bad things I did once when DS screamed in the car for 40 minutes even after pulling over to try and settle several times, I turned the music up loud and i cried so hard. I felt so guilty thinking that I could have damaged his hearing afterwards.

[London]

Bumping this thread.

[Purple Lily]

Bumping this thread.

Thanks London this is just what I needed to read Have only read a few pages but already feeling less alone in the struggles of parenthood

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[London]

Thanks London this is just what I needed to read Have only read a few pages but already feeling less alone in the struggles of parenthood

Sent from my GT-I9100 using BubHub

I think its very important for us to be reminded that parenting is not supposed to be something we can all easily cope with.