My worst moment... The lowest point of my life was when me and DP ran to the car in the garage to find DD. We had left her in there for two hours after we got home because we thought the other one had got her and put her to bed as she was asleep. I remember running to the car making a bargain with anyone that would listen in my head for her to just be ok. It was night time and not summer THANK GOD! I have never felt so sick or so guilty in my life. I think I held her and sobbed for about four hours and poor DP was so heartbroken as well. She was crying when we got to her but not hysterical. I was. Even typing this I feel sick to my stomache and have tears ********* down my face. We will never forget the lesson we learnt that day... That as parents mistakes are sooooooo easy to make! Thy you can NEVER assume that someone else is looking out for your baby and that I shouldn't be too quick to judge.
We now ALWAYS ask each other before we even get out of the car who is going to get her and she gets out FIRST!
I hope that that incident will always be my darkest day and I never have another like it.
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18-03-2011 07:11 #11
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18-03-2011 07:21 #12on a bubhub break
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
with my DS#2, the way he entered the world was a highly traumatic experience for me, and eventually i was knocked out under a GA. for the first five weeks, i will admit he didn't feel like my baby. i thought he was adorable, i did everything i needed to do for him, but he didn't feel like mine, i didnt have a connection.
then he ended up in hospital and almost died...trust me, i snapped out of the previous fast and all of a sudden all that existed in the world at the time was him.
i feel guilty but the whole thing was friccen terrible.
18-03-2011 07:40 #13
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18-03-2011 08:16 #14
to everyone. Motherhood is indeed no walk in the park or fairy bread picnics 24/7.
My DD is only 3 and already there is not enough time in the day to list how I have "failed" her.. (well, apparently.. according to a set of social rules I have never quite understood anyway..)
I have not given up, I am STILL trying to be the mother i want to be every single day.. The day I stop trying will be the day I really fail.. and some days creep way to close to that line for my liking..
I love her, we planned her I never imagined my life without her.. yet, here she is and all the things that were supposed to just "come naturally" never came at all.. Perhaps I'd have coped better if I had understood from the git go that giving birth in no way prepares you for parenthood. I honestly thought she would "pop out" and suddenly a gauntlet of information on how to raise her would unlock in my head.. I don't know WHAT I was thinking..
I remember when she was 6 days old, doing a 2am feed as per usual, laying her on the 1.5 seater couch and walking to the bathroom (directly across) for a cigarette.. I took my eyes off her for a second, to light up, when I looked back I saw the head of my 55kg Rottweiler lolling over the edge of the couch.. looking at me with her "don't be mad" look.. My heart stopped.. Instead of RUNNING across I stood there, Screaming in my head, please don't be dead, PLEASE don't be dead.. (even though I knew there was no room for dog and baby on that couch..) Finally reacted and there lay Aurora.. Safe and sound, still asleep with Bear curled around her not touching.. I sat on the floor shaking for hours.. My first taste of how easy it is to "fail" I guess...
18-03-2011 08:29 #15
good thread. I know i'll feel better for reading it and getting this off my chest
my guilty secret : a short fuse. Yelling at them when i should be in control of myself. Then i see them model my behaviour, it looks so ugly and i feel like sheet. I taught them to do that
Also its better now but for a long time and until fairly recently i have preferred dd2. I love dd1 to bits but she has been a real challenge and dd2 is a dream child. There have been times i wanted to give dd1 away, didn't want her near me, get cross with her then turn to dd2 and am nice as pie... I feel like a real bish that i can't treat her like a child who needs my love and understanding, not my impatience
but as a dear friend keeps reminding me, i'm only human. Yesterday i apologised to dd1 for yelling at her (i overreacted) and sweet as anything she said 'that's ok Mum'
18-03-2011 08:30 #16
I'm not ashamed to share my horrible parenting stories (and I have lots of them!) if it helps someone else.
I guess my issues started when I found out I was having twins.. I have many threads here on BH from back at that time discussing how upset I was at this news... I mourned the fact I wouldn't have one single baby to love.. I wouldn't have a close bond with my first child, I would have to spread myself between two. I cried for months on end and I suddenly hated the idea of being pregnant. Of course I didn't dream of aborting... but it wasn't the textbook "I love my baby so much" thoughts that most mothers talk about during their pregnancy. (And it's only now, 2.5 years later that I have VERY strong feelings towards my sons of the "I WOULD DIE FOR YOU" variety. And that itself is just so shameful to me)
And then of course once they came I was a mess. I am so thankful my Mum put her life on hold for 6 months to exclusively help me. MY DP was hopeless and hardly ever home.. and I just didn't know what to do with two very active children who hardly ever slept, and both wanted to be cuddled all day. I just didn't have laid back children like some lucky mothers do.. and add that to the fact I was already frazzled just because there were two of them and it was a dynamic mix in all the wrong ways.
I would break into hysteria because I didn't know what to dress them in for the night. I wasn't sleeping, and hardly eating or drinking enough (or of the right stuff) to be giving them proper breastmilk in the early days.
On a few occasions when they were awake for hours on end during the night I would lose the plot. Seriously lose the plot. I would scream at them and yes- I will admit it- I was a little bit rough with them. Never anything that would harm them- let me be clear. But actions that weren't stemmed from love, that's for sure. Dumping them in their cots, or changing positions with them in my arms that wasn't exactly loving.
I remember on a few occasions in the middle of the night I went into DP and told him if he didn't do anything I would hurt them. (Um.. it wasn't a threat, btw.. it was a warning.. it was a 'please help me- I am so worried I am going to hurt them"..) and I would sit for 5 minutes or so with them both screaming and then go back in calm and try again.
But when I say I yelled at them.. I would scream at them (little babies, mind you) slam the door and collapse on the floor in the feotal position sobbing. As I say, I really wasn't in a good way.
Even now, that I KNOW I love them so much and I really WOULD do anything for them I still make mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel as much love for B as I do for L, as B is slightly more challenging. A completley different character.. L has a heart of gold, whereas B is out for himself. I don't begrudge him this, but here I find myself admitting I have to work a lot harder at loving him every day.
And really, that's just the tip of the iceberg. So if it helps anyone realise that mistakes in parenting aren't just of the acciden variety, then I'm glad that shaming myself so publicy has served its purpose.
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18-03-2011 08:33 #17
Also London- if you want your original story reinstated now that others have shared- just let me know and it can be arranged for you.
18-03-2011 08:54 #18
18-03-2011 08:54 #19
My Ds1 however... it took months to love him. The birth was horrific and so was he, to be perfectly blunt. he did nothing but scream, he wouldn't feed. There were days where I actually hated him and I was convinced that he hated me and there was more than one day where I wished that he had not been born. I hate myself for feeling the way I did about Alex but it was just so bloody hard. He was diagnosed with autism when he was 2 and while I did love him there were many days where I didn't like him at all. he is 5 now and I adore him, he is a beautiful child and I am very, very blessed to have him he has brought me a tremendous amount of joy- a lot of it BECAUSE of his autism. But it took work.
Love does not always come naturally and I loathe the expectation that it does. While we may be genetically programmed to love our children unconditionally it is not always as easy to like them. In some instances bonding is more difficult than others and it doesn't mean there is something "wrong " with us or that we are bad parents. (It took me a loooong time to understand and accept that, I too thought I was the worst mother in the world.)
Don't be so hard on yourself.
18-03-2011 08:55 #20
I think every single one of us clearly identifies with each and every story. Our stories may not be exactly the same, but the feelings and emotions are.
Ds was driving me mad not long ago. I was out trying to get some errands done. It was mid afternoon and I hadn't eaten all day. I was hot, tired and ms had me a little under the weather.
He was just screaming, yelling, arching his back, kicking. But i wanted to just leave him there in the ground of the shopping centre.
So I forced him into the pram. Maybe I was a little rough but didn't hurt him.
Parked him at one end of a cafe. Order a coffee and croissant. And sat and enjoyed them at the other end of the cafe.
For those few minutes while people were looking at him concerned and wondering where his mother was, I was sitting pretending he wasn't mine. Keeping an eye on him. But not feeling any guilt. Later I felt guilty for hating him. How could I hate him. I love him more than anything. But in that moment I thought I hated him.
I know now that I always love my son. But sometimes I don't like his behaviour.
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