Mm greatest thing I am ashamed of is probably my daughters pregnancy.. I still can't look back on it without tears and shame for how I treated my gorgeous loving little boy.. Most of it I have blacked out so I don't have to remember it but I know he always will.. Such a loving little being who wanted only the basics and I couldn't even make myself give that.. To this day I am still afraid of pregnancy and I worry that is why I miscarry because I couldn't cope with putting my children or myself through that again
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30-08-2011 01:31 #171
31-08-2011 22:57 #172
London - Our feelings (good and bad) are always cycling. Know that this too shall pass.
Veve - Like you, I was never openly or intentionally rough with my babies, but when DD1 was a little baby and I was struggling to get her to sleep I used to put her in the cot a little too forcefully
Jez - How incredibly insensitive of all those family members holding your bub before you got a chance!
Jez & Kelnew (and probably a lot of us!) As for guilt...well, I am now recovered from PND but It was what it was and I did the best I could at the time... what matters to my girls NOW is that we all move on, we are positive about today and the future and we love love love eachother
Bugsy - Every relationship between child and mum is different. I struggled with DD1 and still do sometimes, but my relationship with DD2 is so much easier and I bonded with her before she was even born. Whereas what you describe happening with your DD1 is so familiar for me. I remember DD1 was about 3 months old when I was watching her sleeping in her cot and I felt the final "ah ha" of love and bonding happen.
All the best for bubs arrival!
MummyKitty - There has to come a time when you allow yourself the space for forgiveness. There were times during my depression where I couldn't do the basics for my girls, so my eldest would instead (eg: get water & snacks for herself and her sister, wash her sister's hands, comfort her sister when I couldn't) and yes, I feel shame and immense guilt but there HAD to come a time where I could start to forgive myself. I know it's hard, but know that you aren't alone and there are so many of us who carry these wounds too
As for me - I feel so guilty that I feel such glee in my freedom now that I am working. I will never again be a SAHM and the joy that makes me feel, also makes me feel so ashamed of myself.
Last edited by MamaC; 31-08-2011 at 23:00. Reason: Spelling
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31-08-2011 22:59 #173
MamaC, dont feel guilty or ashamed. You really are one of the most lovely people I have met and believe you deserve good things
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01-09-2011 09:34 #174
Thank you London , I'm feeling like a normal average mum.
At the moment my 7 month old has been projectile vomiting, the doctor says reflux, the chemist says it's not. Then I saw a second chemist who said it's up to me if I change her formula.
Shes an awesome baby, doesn't even cry when she throws up. I just feel so bad because I don't know what to do. Ive changed her to lactose free formula for the moment to see if that works. I'm not giving her solids until she keeps her bottles down. Which so far she is. At the moment it's been 5 hours since her last bottle and she's not crying for one so I guess I just wait???
I worked with other people's children for 12 years and never second guessed myself and now i feel like I've failed my own because I don't know what to do ....
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01-09-2011 10:09 #175
Kristyb, I hope your bubby feels better soon. One thing I learned early is working in Childcare is NOTHING like having your own child...alot of false security in that thinking Lol
My DS is on a roll lately. This morning he brightened my day by telling me "you dont do anything for me....you make me a sandwich for school but you never buy me anything or do anything fun....I like school and my teacher better than you". Thanks kid. Really helping mummy fight the urge to smother you in your sleep!
01-09-2011 10:14 #176
Thanks! Yeah it def doesn't prepare you at all.
It's so hard to know if she's teething, reflux, lactose intolerance or a tummy bug.
She doesn't cry much if at all either so you wouldn't even know if she was sick lol!
She doesn't even cry if she's hungry so I'm just gonna wait I guess lol
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01-09-2011 10:37 #177
I'm reading this thread again. Having such a horrible tough day and this is helping make me feel less alone. I love my DS so much, I hate feeling like I'm not the mum he deserves.
01-09-2011 10:46 #178
I wasnt sad or upset when DD went to kindy. Everyone i know said they cried or where devastated. I was a bit upset she didnt even say good bye, she just ran off to play. But apart from that i was SO HAPPY! After being a single mum for two years knowing i had a whole DAY to do what ever i please without dragging a child with me was AWESOME. Everyone ive admitted that to has made me feel horrible.
DD used to Cry for hours and hours from the afternoon till night. I had no one else to give her to. Sometimes my mum would help out but she was busy. I was seriously about to throw her out the window one day. I couldnt handle it so i put her in her cot, shut the door, walked over to my neighbours, stole a ciggie off him and walked around my house while smoking it. After about 15 min she was still crying but not as bad and i had calmed down.
I told one person about this and she said she should call child services on me because i had neglected my child and i should have her taken away, that DD will be severely affected and tainted for the rest of her life. Yet i admitted it to my doctor one day (because i was worried i "damaged" DD ) and she said i did the right thing. I think this "person" helped add fuel to my PND and im glad i stopped speaking to them.
01-09-2011 11:23 #179
I have suffered depression for a long time, well before I had a baby.
When I was home alone with dd I had the same thoughts as the parents with pnd have described and I've never had the balls to admit it.
I never would or have acted on it but I always thought what kind of person am I to have these ridiculous thoughts ....
Thank you for helping me realize I'm not alone and its okay to have a sh!t day sometimes!
01-09-2011 20:24 #180
This thread couldn't have been resurrected at a better time for me and I am going to sit here right now and read every post again from start to finish , anything to ease this disgusting guilt I feel *sob*.
Today I feel like a very mean mummy . I have been in tears from 6am with two seriously unwell kids and come 9pm I'm at breaking point with the hysterical crying from DS when I so much as try to move out from under him as he's attached to me like a leach on the couch to attend to he's sister who's also cried cried cried and more cried all day and yep , still crying while I try to console them both at once . Because they both only want mummy , why that is, god only knows as I certainly don't feel like a deserving mum today .
DH just said " why are you crying ???" . Um because I've got a whole night and another day of this ahead of me !! A more honest answer works have been I'm crying out of shame , that my two beautiful babies are unwell yet I've yelled at them so many times today to go to sleep, stop crying, give me just ONE second to get your bottle or medicine or food without screaming at my leg , the list goes on. How dare I ? Just because they don't know I'm shouting at them as they are too young and don't even blink an eye to my yelling it doesnt make it right :-(
I feel so heartless and sad and alone .
Re- reading this thread will hopefully do me some good. Hugs to all the previous posters before me.
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