Holy moly. After reading this whole thread, I have realised I'm normal! I've related to SO MUCH said here! I thought I was a monster!! I thought I was some crazy woman who needed to be locked up because everything wasn't all sunshine and roses!
thank you OP for creating this thread, you've lifted a weight off my shoulders!!
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19-03-2011 02:34 #101I'm on a bubhub break
- Join Date
- Nov 2009
19-03-2011 07:53 #102
This thread is amazing. Thank you all so much for sharing - it feels so good to know I am not alone.
1 - Feeling guilty that I didn't know my body well enough to know DD was growing inside me for 4 months... and doing everything wrong in those 4 months.
2 - When DD has her "whinging cry" on, getting frustrated and holding her up in the air, speaking loudly "What do you want" and her just looking at me and smiling, because she trusts me so implicitly that she is sure I could never be mad at her.
3 - For all those times I just want a break when there are so many people out there that wold give anything for a child.
4 - When she fell out of our bed the other morning because I fell back asleep without making sure there were pillows in the way.
5 - At the beginning of our BF journey, dreading the moment she would wake up because I didn't want to BF and hurt anymore.
You are all so amazing.
Thank you again for your honesty.
Last edited by nerdgirl99; 19-03-2011 at 08:16. Reason: Keep remembering more that I feel guilty about...
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19-03-2011 11:12 #103
Your welcome ladies. Im honestly glad its helping
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Mrs Awesome (19-03-2011)
19-03-2011 11:41 #104Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2007
Thank you op and all posters for being so brave. I honestly think your words will help others. I wish I could have read this when my DD was a baby and I felt so terrible at times. I thought it was just me, I thought everyone else was coping and I was the one big, fat, useless, neurotic failure. I feel so sad that I wasted all that time when I could have enjoyed my baby. All I needed was to know that it was normal and I was fine.
Anyway, I'm not brave enough to go into detail, but suffice to say I can relate to so, so much here. I'm definitely guilty of handling my babies less than gently on a handful of occasions (like others, no hurt inflicted, but a clear expression of frustration). I've shouted in my daughter's face to shut up once - my precious girl. I've been in very dark, lonely places. Thank goodness I'm happy and strong now but I feel very sad about those times.
19-03-2011 13:49 #105
19-03-2011 14:08 #106
I have too many bad moments to mention, but the worst would probably be the short fuse and screaming at my children, smacking more out of anger than I ever thought I would, getting massively frustrated and angry over stupid things with anyone especially DH due to sleep deprivation in the early days, wanting to throw DS through the window on more than one occasion after hours of screaming (un-dx silent reflux), good god, the list goes on.
I especially hated all the many months of PND. My children weren't necessarily problematic, but I resented them anyway because they took all of my time, energy, motivation, life force, everything. When I finally went to my GP and said I thought I had PND he gave me a referral to a counsellor, and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I am a very vocal advocate of PND sufferers now, and practically everyone I have ever met knows I spent a good 2 years of my life down a black hole. Many people thought I was seeking sympathy, but in fact I am trying to NORMALISE it. If more people know I had it, then more people understand what it is, how common it actually is, what it does, and what we can do about it as a community. This goes for difficulties during parenting - the more we talk, the more we know. The more we feel normal again knowing we are not the only ones.
I also have to admit something a bit cheeky . I have had the last week on annual leave from work, and have dropped the kids off to daycare at 8am, picked them up at 4.30 and spent every second of every minute in between being ON MY OWN in silence. God it's been FANTASTIC!! It's the first time in over 4 years that I have done something like this and I feel completely refreshed. I felt twinges of guilt a few times but got over them pretty quick smart.
to all you wonderful mummies. It's a tough gig for sure. We can only do our best without sacrificing our sanity.
19-03-2011 14:33 #107
I'm pretty open these days about having thought daily when Jasper was little newborn that I thought constantly about throwing him out the window or cover him with a pillow or just walk out. I would follow this thought as far as what I'd say to the police and how long I'd spend in jail or if I would get away with it. If I could somehow claim 'self defense' because he was going to die anyway and waiting for it was unbearable (he was perfectly healthy mind you)
I don't tell everyone that exactly, but when people say they are struggling I'm happy to share I thought about it, because it wasn't until several weeks into group therapy for pnd and another mum said she thought about throwing her baby off the balcony daily I just burst out crying - I was so relieved I cried. Because she was a great loving wonderful mum who was haunted by thoughts that had no bearing on her as a mother, they were just thoughts. And same with me. It was just horrible thoughts. I could never have done it. The thought disturbed me. But I thought because I was thinking it I was evil.
Another thing - and this is almost embarrassing. My first day of therapy for PND, I met the therapist, id never spoken to her prior and I got her name off a brochure and the address of therapy off the Internet - and so I had 8 week old Jasper and she suggested we go down stairs to get coffee and I leave Jasper with her for a few minutes. So I handed over my baby, but I had no cash so I had to go and get some cash out, I was gone maybe 20 minutes. When I got back she commented how brave I was leaving my baby etc.... It wasn't until then I'd realized I'd even left him. It was like she was watching my handbag for me. I felt so awful I just didn't care.
These days though I can't imagine feeling that way about him!!! He's my baby boy (errm my giant baby boy)
I'm so frightened though it'll be the same way with the next one, but I don't know if it will be. There was just so much bad stuff stacked against me with Jasper I can't see myself falling into such a dark hole.
But if I do I know I can ask for help
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19-03-2011 15:22 #108
I completely understood what you were saying.. and I just didn't want to make you feel as though I thought B was any worse than your DS1.. IDK, I think I may have stuffed that post up! Sorry
I completely agree with everyone that this is the type of information new mothers, mothers to be and even those TTC #1 need to read... Might be a good idea for the BH Army, not sure.. but it's the type of information that really needs to be put 'out there' for ALL to access.
19-03-2011 16:00 #109
19-03-2011 16:19 #110
Just wanted to Thank you all for this thread. I've read most of the posts and have cried at them. I am not so naive to think that I myself wont have these issues. In fact given my past with depression I KNOW i'll be in some of these situations. Its nice to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that I wont be alone. You ladies are all VERY brave to share you stories and I'm so glad you did. Please know that you have helped at least one Mum to be!
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