So often on this forum there are women writing threads claiming to be the worst mothers in the world. So often there are mothers feeling like they arent measuring up. Feeling lost and alone. Feeling like they're failing at Motherhood.
Here's the truth:
Motherhood is TOUGH.
I though I would start a thread, where people can let out their most shameful secret about a mothering experience. Not to embarrass or shame anybody, but to enlighten and give hope to mothers who think they're the only ones who are struggling or have struggled.
(I wrote a huge long post about my shameful secret but there has been soo many views on this thread and nobody commenting so i deleted it.)
(Will copy and paste my original post back in here now)
I'll get the ball rolling.
2years ago, my DS 'changed'. Something in him changed and he went, for lack of a better word, emo. Whenever he would do something wrong he would say 'oh whatever, just kill me, Im nothing anyway' Those words coming out of a precious 4yr olds mouth. I dont even know where he got it from. Wasnt in anything he had watched and he spent the majority of his time with me and i sure as heck wasnt saying things like that to him or around him.
his behaviour was getting so bad, it was pushing me over the edge. I was going through a rough patch anyway and he was just adding fuel to the fire. One day I took him to my best friends house to play with her son, who is the same age. DS got all angry over nothing and came out with more emo lines. "Just kill me, let me die, it doesnt matter, Im nothing".
I curled up on my friends couch and began rocking back and forth. This was my breakdown. I literally went numb and everything was hazy. I rang DSs dad who was working up north and told him "Come home now, before I hurt our child". He said he couldnt cos of this that and the other. I told him "...seriously.....Im not dealing....come home now before something bad happens". In the end he kept saying he couldnt so I hung up the phone. I rang my mum and my dad and my brother. NOBODY would step in and help. everybody was busy. I was filled with rage. I desperately wanted DS nowhere near me incase I snapped and took my rage out on him. I looked at him and just felt pure anger.
I drove DS home in a haze. Dont even remember the drive to be honest. We got home and I put him to bed and went and sat in the shower. To me, my DS was a stranger...I was losing my mind and even when I asked for help, nobody was willing to give it to me. By the time i got out the shower (over an hour..sorry Water Corp.) I had decided that this wasnt going to beat me. If nobody was going to help, Id have to do it myself.
That was my lowest point as a mother. Since then, DS is not 6 and a happy child like he was before this incident. He slowly stopped self-hating and went back to being 'normal'. I still dont know where it came from and Im afraid to ask him now incase it comes back again. When I look at him now, I cant even imagine he could of said those things about himself, and I cant believe I feel so much anger.
So there is my shameful dark secret. I had a 4yr old emo.
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17-03-2011 23:21 #1
Motherhood: The Shameful Secrets
Last edited by London; 21-03-2011 at 10:28.
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18-03-2011 00:57 #2
Oh I was just going to reply... but maybe I won't now if nobody else is!
18-03-2011 01:34 #3
I was going to write something too. Then I deleted it. Now I have been thinking about it and all for an hour. I think it would haunt me if I put it somewhere that someone I know might read it TBH. I already think an in-law knows i am on here so I chose to delete it. I know it was not the point of the thread to keep it a secret. Sorry London. . Still, on the plus side, it also proves your point!
Do not quote this as I will delete soon...
I googled late term aborition when pregnant with my second daughter. The town I was in did not have any services to provide this. Thank GOD. Weeks later I had my morph scan and was elated that I had an alive baby. I still did not bond with her until she was born. I bonded with DD1 when I was 9 weeks pregnant (sounds stupid but true). I feel as though it is the same as having thought about killing my own daughter as I am against abortion, let alone abortion at 20 weeks. I could never have done it, but I was so low at that point and I hate that I thought about it non-stop for a week.
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18-03-2011 01:39 #4
HUGS, I didnt read what you has written so not sure but wanted to offer hugs any way.
I totaly agree being a mum is a f*king tough gig, one of the hardest I think, I have never met any one in my life that I love more than DD, at the same time I have never met any one in my life that frustrates me more then she does. Doesnt mean i love her any less or wouldnt want to be around her but by god can she push my buttons.
My Dds first day at school, well first day at the school that she could be at by her self with out me, I dropped her of and walked out to the car, i wasnt sad at all, I didnt cry I just felt free, it was awesome the freest i have ever felt in years. All of my friends and family said i bet you missed her and i said no i didnt but got some funny looks so started to say yes i missed her on her first day.
Truth is i didnt not at all, Was a few weeks into her being at school that i actualy missed her. that was only cause i has got home from the dropping her off and had gone to the shop on the way home I got home unlcoked the door and went to get her out of her seat and though OMFG where is she, then i went ohh school lol.
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18-03-2011 01:57 #5
MelbMummy. That's not awful. I really think that both your reactions are completely normal in different circumstances
What matters is how you feel now.
Mum2monkey, I kind of feel the same right now, ds is 2 and a bit, and while I know he is a good boy, the screaming and whining and tantrums just have me wishing it was someone elses problem for a couple of hours a day.
Its sad about you guys deleting your posts... That feels like a complete contradiction of the point of the thread. I hope that you don't feel ashamed. Mummies have so much guilt to carry.
My shameful secret is that I worry that I respond and sometimes even discipline with anger too much. I'm the kind of person who takes a long time to get angry, but then I just snap. I'm angry in an instant. I've almost dragged ds to his room. I have used a growly voice, I've used a pretty intimidating manner. I just hate it. It's mostly when dd is crying or we are breastfeeding, or I have to cook dinner, and ds decides he needs 100% of my attention or he's going to destroy the house, or inflict pain on me or dd.
Id like to stop, but when it happens, I'm in a 'monkey brain' state, and if I had a second to stop and think I wouldn't react that way. So it's like a catch 22 almost. I also don't think it teaches him long term lessons, except maybe that losing your temper is normal. (it kind of is, but losing your temper WITH someone is a bit different. Not helpful...)
Also, my ds fell off the (particularly high) bed onto slate floor, at 4 months old. It was a case of I thought uncle was watching, uncle thought I was watching. I still have shame over that.
18-03-2011 03:13 #6
I'm tagging this for me to come back tomorrow... I'm currently being treated for pnd (which by the looks of it has mre to do with my past than my bub) so I have stuff to add and by reading your stories makes me feel less alone
18-03-2011 05:38 #7
I can add a lot to this post but mornings are a rush for me so I will be back after school drop off.
18-03-2011 05:38 #8
I didn't think this was shameful until I told a friend (childless) and she was shocked by it.
I didn't like my DD when she was born. I mean, that first instance of seeing her I did. But that horrible first night when she cried and cried and wouldn't latch on properly, I cried so much thinking I had just made the worst mistake of my life. This continued for about the first week. Now my DD is my absolute world, have never loved anyone this much or this deeply. But after 9 months of hearing stories where the mother was just so so in love from that first moment, I felt like a monster.
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18-03-2011 06:38 #9
I'm the same Chelleylane. I hate it, I feel like such a monster & it's not the parent I always wanted to be.
Another secret is....... I never dreamt that parenthood would be so hard. Some days I feel so scared & overwhelmed & just want an hour away from the kids, but miss them 5 minutes later.
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18-03-2011 07:01 #10Junior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2011
So early in the thread, and already I am seeing so many thoughts that mirror my own. The guilt I feel for wanting time away from my family is laced with so much shamed. I know in both my head and heart that I love them so much and would never want to be separated from them, but sometimes I dream of what an hour, a day or longer would feel like. I'm starting to realuse it's quite natural though, no where else in our lives do we spend every second consumed with something. We get holidays from our workplace, we get nights out with the girls away from our husbands, but we never truly get time to have our headspace back to ourselves once we have children. Hugs to everyone and thankyou for being brave enough to share.
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