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  1. #71
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    Has anyone read "Children are People Too"? It's by a psychologise Louise Porter and she actually states that there's been huge increases in ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) in past decades due to parents trying to enforce too much control. The more parents try to control their kids, they more defiant they become.

    So while it may be well and good to have a dig at those who parent differently, you may actually end up with the opposite results to what you want.

    My son is only young. He is allowed to be young. If he wants to stay at the park for an extra 5 minutes I'm not going to take a hard line and say "nope, going NOW" because he'll end up in jail in the future apparantly, we work together and there actually is no "battle". Compromise is good in all relationships, including parents and children. I sure as heck wouldn't like to live with someone who never gave an inch but took a mile at every opportunity, children don't either. And the more controlling parents are with teenagers..... well, we'll find that lesson out one day!!

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  3. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    Has anyone read "Children are People Too"? It's by a psychologise Louise Porter and she actually states that there's been huge increases in ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) in past decades due to parents trying to enforce too much control. The more parents try to control their kids, they more defiant they become.

    So while it may be well and good to have a dig at those who parent differently, you may actually end up with the opposite results to what you want.

    My son is only young. He is allowed to be young. If he wants to stay at the park for an extra 5 minutes I'm not going to take a hard line and say "nope, going NOW" because he'll end up in jail in the future apparantly, we work together and there actually is no "battle". Compromise is good in all relationships, including parents and children. I sure as heck wouldn't like to live with someone who never gave an inch but took a mile at every opportunity, children don't either. And the more controlling parents are with teenagers..... well, we'll find that lesson out one day!!
    I LOVE that book! In fact it was a prescribed text book when I studied education at Uni!

    The fact of the matter is that children ARE people too! I don't understand why behavior management needs to be defined in terms of authority and who wins the "battle". IMO it's not about that at all.

    I believe that if a compramise can be made then that is great. I believe in giving children choices. Choices can be limited and appropriate but still let a child feel in control of their actions and consequences.

    Eg: Child A (5) hits Child B (5) because Child A want's the toy Child B has. Child B cries, Child A takes toy. Adult steps in. Prompts Child A to apologise and give toy back. Child A throws toy on the floor and refuses to apoligise.

    Here comes the CHOICE...

    Adult says to Child A - You can choose to say sorry now or you can have X mins quiet time then you can say sorry. The adult is giving the power to Child A.

    Child A might decide to go to quiet time and not say sorry. Adult can then enforce an appropriate consquence for not apologising to Child B all the while reminding the child that they CHOSE not to apologise and this is the consequence of not being kind to others.

    No one wins. But a lesson is learn't.

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  5. #73
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    I have to say I do agree with some people on here in the fact that your children are just little adults and do have feelings/opinions too.

    Sometimes a tantrum is a way of communicating with you, they can get frustrated and not know how to vocalise that frustration therefore it ends up as a tantrum. I keep that in mind too, especially when I watch my DS and see he's trying to do something he can't do, then he chucks a tantrum. So I go and help him. Surely that's not letting my child do what he wants to do?

    I agree with the whole, let's play for 5 mins more idea.
    If they ask nicely or just look at you if they can't vocalise, then why not. It's not life or death.

    I also think it comes down to that childs personality. Just because they are 19 months old or 2 or 4 or 6 doesn't mean they don't have their own personalities. They might have their fathers stubborn streak or their mum's humour, so why not treat them with a little more respect and remember that.

    I always go by the 'treat them the way you expect to be treated' method. This applies to both children and adults imo.

  6. #74
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    [QUOTE=JabberJaw;5505565]10 extra minutes at a park is hardly letting them get away with something, its actually called COMPROMISE.[QUOTE]

    I think many of you are misunderstanding me. Its not the 10 more minutes at the park that matters. Its they way they react and demand to have more time. If my DS says "please mummy one more time" Ofcourse he gets another 10 minutes. If he stacks on a tanty about it. We go straight home.

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    Quote Originally Posted by threechooks View Post
    I try my best to be consistent and my DH is better at it than me.

    I never said I was the perfect parent with the right way of doing things. All I said is I try my best. The best way I know how. Saying that I wouldn't know cause I only have one child is a cop out. Plenty of parents with two or more children manage to create healthy boundaries and children with manners.

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    Sassymummy...completely agree with that post. This house & parenting style to a T.

    Again threechooks above I agree...people read more then is written sometimes I believe. I'm not a drill Sargent as a mum nor do I think there is a right or wrong way as I said in my first post...parenting choices create others experience not mine so it don't have an effect on me.

    Am I seeing frequently a kid losing it's head screaming no at it's mother, hitting them or running off for the want of a toy & over hearing the "ok I will get it just stop"....yes. Would I as a parent do this...no (NEVER have) did DS scream when first testing the waters with this act...yes. Do I believe because I never gave in consistently he does not display this behavior...yes.

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  10. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by threechooks View Post

    I think many of you are misunderstanding me. Its not the 10 more minutes at the park that matters. Its they way they react and demand to have more time. If my DS says "please mummy one more time" Ofcourse he gets another 10 minutes. If he stacks on a tanty about it. We go straight home.
    And I think you're failing to see that not everyone's situation is the same as yours.

    Let me give you an example, I'm currently in a large hospital and the cafe is located near the ultrasound place and the antenatal day stay. Many pregnant women go there for lunch after their appointments. I was having lunch there with DD and DH. She chucked a tantrum because she wanted to eat my sausage roll. I gave it to her, tantrum over. I looked up and saw some random older woman shaking her head at me and tut tut-ing.

    What she didn't see were my compression stockings under my long jeans and my inpatient arm bands. She couldn't have had any idea that lunch that day for me was the first time I'd been able to leave my hospital room in a week and a half. She had no idea I see my daughter an hour or two a day. It was a sausage roll, big woop. If she had of demanded that she had to kick me repeatedly, different story, but food? Playing an extra few minutes? A $2 toy? Is it really a big deal?

    It's more important to me that my daughter feel when she expresses herself, even if that's via a tantrum, that someone is listening.

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    I'm going to be honest, i try not to judge parents based on the few minutes of their lives i see.

    Even if they're friends of mine, i either accept that they parent differently to myself, or i break the friendship.

    ETA: i just want to say that i do say the words 'its just easier than having them tantrum' all the time, because its easier than saying "i don't feel like discussing my choices with someone who clearly won't understand or agree - i don't have time for debates IRL"

    But no, i don't believe that my lovely Y gen are going to screw up any worse than the previous generation did (and i'm referring to Sleeplessbeauty's post with that). Since apparently Gen X and the late baby boomer's produced monster children (aka me ) i don't believe we can do any worse.

    I don't smack, or shame, and i try not to yell. And i let them negotiate with me (aka compromise). I'm quite happy to have children who are master negotiators, i personally think its a far more valuable skill in life than knowing how to sit down and shut the f**k up (of course, that's just my opinion, and no i'm not implying that anyone elses kids will not amount to anything. so don't go reading any deeper meaning into my post, ta xx)
    Last edited by Gandalf; 15-01-2011 at 23:18.

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  14. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by I am not Esther View Post
    I'm going to be honest, i try not to judge parents based on the few minutes of their lives i see.

    Even if they're friends of mine, i either accept that they parent differently to myself, or i break the friendship.

    ETA: i just want to say that i do say the words 'its just easier than having them tantrum' all the time, because its easier than saying "i don't feel like discussing my choices with someone who clearly won't understand or agree - i don't have time for debates IRL"

    But no, i don't believe that my lovely Y gen are going to screw up any worse than the previous generation did (and i'm referring to Sleeplessbeauty's post with that). Since apparently Gen X and the late baby boomer's produced monster children (aka me ) i don't believe we can do any worse.

    I don't smack, or shame, and i try not to yell. And i let them negotiate with me (aka compromise). I'm quite happy to have children who are master negotiators, i personally think its a far more valuable skill in life than knowing how to sit down and shut the f**k up (of course, that's just my opinion, and no i'm not implying that anyone elses kids will not amount to anything. so don't go reading any deeper meaning into my post, ta xx)
    I like this post and I feel the same way.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sockstealingpoltergeist View Post
    I like this post and I feel the same way.
    hello there, haven't seen you around much lately


 

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