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  1. #11
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    Default Hugs for us all

    The scar fades, but I think we'll all bear the mark of it for some time to come. My daughter is 15 months old and it is only after 9 months of psychological and drug treatment for PTSD, that I am able to look at my physical scar without wanting to vomit and I still have panic attacks when I see depictions of labour and birth.
    But... It is all starting to fade and every day that I spend with my little girl makes it easier to cope with her traumatic birth. I found that the six month mark was actually one of the harder times. It just did not seem to be getting any easier to deal with, and I was so sick of having to cope with the fallout. Over the second six months, up until my daughter's first birth day, things gradually started to improve. I don't want to recite my full story, since I am in the process of making a formal complaint and it may be inappropriate.
    MelbourneMummy, I feel for you. Your vaginal birth experience sounds awful, and I don't understand why people would expect you to feel happy about it, just because it didn't end in a c-section. I'm really glad that your c-section was an empowering experience for you and I would have done exactly the same thing in your place.
    scotsmum2be, your treatment at the hands of the staff sounds very like my own and I completely understand how it's made you feel. I couldn't breastfeed, either, thanks to IGT, although I gave it a bloody good shot for a few months, and it makes you feel like a total failure as a woman and that your body has failed you. Can't give birth, can't breastfeed, can't do anything right as a mother. Then you cop the guilt over returning to work!
    I personally believe that our society.has put too much emphasis on pregnancy,childbirth and breastfeeding in defining us as mothers. Well, we're all mothers, being the best bloody mothers possible and our babies will adore us no matter how they came into the world, or how we feed them, or if we have to go outside the home to work. All mothers have had to work, either inside the home or out. I've been back at paid work since my little monkey was 12 weeks old and I understand how you feel. I think that the issues we've faced so early in our mothering careers probably make us more prone to feeling unreasonably guilty. I'd rather stay at home than work, but, my family will not be well served with no roof over our heads. Then again, if I was at home all day, every day, there is the chance I would turn into a psychotic dribbling moron through lack of reasonable adult interaction and total boredom, since I don't have any social contacts outside of work. Poverty-stricken, psychotic dribbling morons don't make very good mothers.
    Anyway, enough of my ranting, time for bed or the psychosis will become an unfortunate reality, since I'm off the meds now (TTC#2). I'm a bit fragile when I'm overtired, hormonal and cranky with work and I may go postal.

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to lacrima For This Useful Post:

    Haileys Mummy  (25-08-2012)

  3. #12
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    Hi Everyone,
    It's so great to read everyone's stories. It's sad, but a relief too. Some are so close to my own story and really reflect how i've been feeling too. Yay it's not just me!

    I had an emergency c-section after labour 'failed to progress' (bubs was posterior and got stuck). I was induced, and after about 10 hours of established labour I had an epidural and 7 hours after that I had the surgery. Only ever got to 5-6cms. Since then a midwife has told me having an epi was pretty much the worst thing I could have done as it meant laying on my back there was no way bubs was going to get into the right position. But, I never realised that at the time, all I could think about was that I couldn't keep labouring on all fours with no progress, no end in sight.

    I feel like I failed, like I couldn't handle it, and my body didn't do what it should have. I have always been fit and active and thought labour wouldn't exactly be a breeze, but that if anyone could do it - I could. Had no thoughts of a c-section and was in shock that I ended up with one.

    Was so numb during the procedure that I had difficulty breathing (intercostal muscles in my chest could hardly work so I couldn't breathe in deeply), I could only speak in a whisper and was trying very hard not to panic. They put me on oxygen. I couldn't hold my daughter because I had no control over my arms and I still hate that that was my experience of what should have been the happiest moment in my life. All the anesthetist said when I complained about it was "better too much than not enough".

    Was in recovery for 4 hours and couldn't see my baby or feed her. I also feel guilty that I didn't give her the best start in life. She turned out to be a challenging baby and although I know it's not logical, I wonder if her less than ideal start in life has played a part. I was VERY emotional for quite a few weeks after and cried a lot, and felt guilty for that too, and jipped that I wasn't enjoying what were supposed to be such wonderful early days of our lives together - it felt like hell!

    We also had problems breast feeding because my milk was late and she lost some weight and had to be cup fed formula for a few days. I also felt like I couldnt' do a thing right.

    Pregnant again now, and I've decided to go for a VBAC although I am very nervous about it as my previous labour was so horrible (even just writing that makes me feel guilty!).

    Thanks for your support, and big hugs to all of you suffering out there. There is just so much no one talks about with this whole experience. It's nice to find an outlet here. Xxxx

  4. #13
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    I have had three c-sections, and I'm glad not for your c-section but that I'm not the only one who cries over hearing someone having a fantastic natural birth or seeing it on T.V. I have had a hard time trying to get ovr the fact that if we decide on any more children it will have to be via C-section. Its hard for people to understand and I hate hearing 'well be greatful you have three healthy bubs' I am! of course I am! But when you have a dream and it is crushed it really hurts :-(

  5. #14
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    I didn't realize how badly I wanted a natural birth until I had an elective section because everyone else wanted me too.. When I first got pregnant I didn't realize there was a chance for a vbac when my son turned 1 I cried because I remembered how awful that morning was and how emotionally bad it hurt... I'm so desperate for a vba2c but who knows if anyone will let me... Hubby already said no to a home birth

  6. #15
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    My DD is 19 months old and even with counselling, it is still a very raw subject for me. Every time a friend has a natural birth, it's like a stab in the heart because it's an experience I desperately wanted and missed out on. DH and I were discussing TTC #2 just last night and I was in tears and feeling panicky about the idea of having another c section. I will be pushing for a VBAC (no pun intended) and am hopeful that a successful VBAC will help lessen the pain.

  7. #16
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    Almost 3 years on it still hurts... I had to have an emergency c/s under a general. Everyone met my daughters before me , it stills gets to me all the time and is something I am scared of in my next pregnancy.

  8. #17
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    Unhappy Disapointed after c-section

    Hi Ladies, I feel your pain.

    I was 5 days overdue when I finally went into labour. I was in labour for 5 days!!!! finally I got to 8cm and was starting to feel the need to push and they did test on bub and he was in distress so I had to have an emergency
    c-section. At the time I was disapointed but didn't feel too bad, a was just so happy to have my baby, that was 3 months ago.

    Well yesterday my sister-in-law had a very fast vaginal birth. 10lb baby with no drugs at all! All of a sudden I feel like such a failure. I had morphine durin my labour and and epi for the c-section and now I feed so weak and pathetic for not having a drug-free vaginal birth like she did. And the more I think about it the worse I feel.

    I think it's the first time in 3 months that I have had the chance to think the whole thing over and now I can only blame myself.
    It all started when they did a membrane sweep. Even though I was overdue I think the sweep bought on labour before my body was ready and that's why my uterus couldn't get into a rhythm and therefore my poor baby was in distress by the end. And when I had the c-section they gave the baby to my husband and sent me to recovery on my own for 30mins. It was horrible!!! I got to touch my baby boys head briefly and that was it!!! And because it was 1:30am they wheeled me into the dark maternity ward and I didn't get to see/hold or have any skin to skin until hours later. I blame that for my colostrum taking 3 days to come in and my baby losing more weight than he should've so we had to stay longer in hospital

    I am just so jelous of my sister-in-law. And I feel horrible because I want to feel happy for her and proud of her but I feel angry at her for making me look and feel like a failure, and that makes me feel like an absolutly horrible horrible person.

  9. #18
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    Op i had a vaginal drug free birth not by choice. I was in labour 3 days and had complications. Also the epi didn't work so ds was delivered and i was cut and stitched (25) with no drugs. It was so traumatic i begged for a c section to just get me out of pain. I am terrified about having another baby in the future the thought of going through it again makes me feel physically sick. Sorry it was tough for you too honey its sad that our experience was not good
    Sent from my GT-I9100 using BubHub
    Last edited by Mod-pegasus; 22-03-2012 at 01:05.

  10. #19
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    So glad I found this thread, this is just how I feel.

    My DS is now 8&1/2 months and I still get a feeling of failure when I hear of others having "natural" births....

    I hope that by the time I'm having another baby I have found a way to get past this feeling as I will have to have another CS.

    I think I just feel robbed of finishing what I started. I was so proud of how well I coped through my labour and 1 hr of pushing without any help or interference. Then I discovered that the opening to my pelvis was too small. That my DS was never going to enter the birth canal despite already having a severely moulded head from me pushing. So hard to hear!

    I just keep reminding myself that what's important is that I have a healthy beautiful baby boy and how he was delivered is not....one day I might even believe it.

  11. #20
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    Hi giggle berry!

    Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you got some comfort from this thread.

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