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  1. #1
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    Default How do you know when it is time to leave? (Long Post)

    I thought it is just adjusting to having a newborn baby and being all emotional while your world suddenly changes. But my baby is a year now and for the past 6months, I have been feeling more angry then happy at home, but only when hubby is around. Sometimes I am angry at him for no reason, other times it the usually fight that pops up every so often of him not helping out as much as I would like but to counter his argument he is the full time worker. I work part time (3weeks nights and half a day shift during the weekend).

    I returned to work when bub was 3months. When she was 6months I put her in daycare for about 4-5hrs 1-2days a week, and went to a playgroup once a week (therefore I have more 'free time' to go out to the shops and socialise).

    I know I have been VERY snappy and at times b1tchy towards hubby. And I know at times my moods I been purely my own over-reactions. But then there are times I come home from work (happy) and the instant I get home, or the instant he says something, I snap. Not when he says hello, but just something that gets to me because my husband is VERY opinionated. And is ALWAYS right. He always finds some way for me to be wrong or incorrect. Or just differs from my opinion on a topic, and is argumentative simply because that is his nature and has to project is rightfulness.

    My attitude since I have had a baby has been very much "I don't have the time for you/to look after you...I have someone else more important to take care of now". Not to mention, the work schedule means we do a tag team, so it is 8.30 at night when we can sit down and really talk and see each other. So we don't spent alot of time together. And the time that we do have, we both have our own 'stuff' to do. We have tried the nominating a night or two for each but then stuff happens like hubby gets a headache and goes to bed early or I have something to do like a job application, and before you know it, your back to where you were...doing your own thing. The way I describe our relationship is more like being housemates. Even the sex is few and far between, but that is mainly because of me. Not wanting it because I have not long come home from work, or generally tired, or feeding bub when I was still BF'ing, or just because I am not feeling sexually attracted to him at that point.

    I am hanging out for our move back to Brissie where the family is because in the last 3months or so I have been feeling I NEED that family support. To be able to drive round and visit my parents and get away. Or hang out with my sisters etc. Problem is, where we live I HAVE friends, I go out etc. He doesn't. He is a hermit. But that is just him. But with only about 2week to go before we leave to live in Brissie, I don't know if I can hold out that long? I don't think we are at spiltsville yet. But long ago we stopped kissing each other good night. I have stopped being affectionate. I rarely kiss goodbye or hello when he always does. I often leave the house angry at him and that is why too. We don't have major fights, and mostly our "tiffs" are over petty things. I don't say I love you as often. I remember for his birthday I said "your lucky I got this card for you [had really nice thoughtful words on it] because I wasn't feeling especially good about us"...

    I don't know how I feel about him. About us? I don't know if I should leave to realise how good or bad I feel about being with him? I don't know about just taking some time away from each other??? I am thinking maybe staying with my folks for a few days when we arrive in Brissie just to get away and have some alone time? I don't know if I want to say lets seperate for a while??? I don't want to divorce. I don't hate him. I don't not love him. Though my love is not what it once was. Having a baby has change everything. I don't want to be with anyone else. I am not interested in anyone else. Things are just flat. There have been more downs then ups lately. I dont want to bale on my marriage when the going gets tough. It is a matter of when should you cut your losses? How can I feel good about us again? When will things pick up? Because to be feeling like this for about 6months is a long time. The most our lulls have ever been is about a few weeks.

    Thoughts....Experiences....Words of encouragement or enlightenment

  2. #2
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    ((((hugs)))) sounds like you are having a rough time. I don't really have any great advice, except maybe go have a chat to your GP about how you are feeling. They should be able to refer you for some counselling.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by arty1 View Post
    I I have been feeling more angry then happy at home, but only when hubby is around. Sometimes I am angry at him for no reason,

    I returned to work when bub was 3months. When she was 6months I put her in daycare for about 4-5hrs 1-2days a week, and went to a playgroup once a week (therefore I have more 'free time' to go out to the shops and socialise).

    I know I have been VERY snappy and at times b1tchy towards hubby. And I know at times my moods I been purely my own over-reactions. But then there are times I come home from work (happy) and the instant I get home, or the instant he says something, I snap.

    I am thinking maybe staying with my folks for a few days when we arrive in Brissie just to get away and have some alone time? I don't know if I want to say lets seperate for a while??? I don't want to divorce. I don't hate him. I don't not love him. Though my love is not what it once was. Having a baby has change everything. I don't want to be with anyone else. I am not interested in anyone else. Things are just flat.
    arty1, I can really relate to what you've written. Its such a big change when a baby comes in to your relationship and you have to learn to make time for each other again!

    From reading your post, I think you might be holding some resentment toward your DH about something that is just bubbling away in the background without you even thinking about it most of the time, making you angry at him for "no reason". there is a reason, it might be something tiny or something huge - in the past, or something happening now. But something is bothering you, it might be worth it to see a councellor through your GP to find out what it is.

    Sound like you do still love your DH but as you say things are just flat. I can relate to this. Its definitely not over yet for you two. You also have a lot of pressure on you in that you are doing tag team with work and are both really tired at the end of the day when you have time together. When I read this post - you guys don't really have a chance to make it work because you are not seeing each other enough and when you are, you've both just got nothing left to give!! Its not either of your faults, you are both trying to have a good life by working hard and supporting your family, and good on you for doing that!!

    Could you try to have some time together when neither of you is working, just to hang out together? Take your DD to the park or to a market together, go out for lunch together to a family friendly restaurant, or for a beach walk... it seems to me you and your DH just need to have some fun together.

    Also, eventhough you don't feel like it, please try to kiss him and hug him more - fake it till you make it type of thinking. You might find yourself really pushing yourself to do it at first and then you may find that you start to like it again.

    Also something that helped me was I wrote a list of all the things my DH does for me without me asking, like
    go to work to support our family every day
    unpack the dishwasher
    make me a cup of tea
    encourage me to go out with friends while he looks after the kids
    try to get the garden landscaping done how I want it done
    Eat the food I cook even when he doesn't like it (and I knew he wouldn't even before I cooked it)

    They can be anything - but we were both in the mindset of withholding affection from each other for a long time, we both resented each other for different things, and started to try to deliberately hurt each other by with holding affection or not doing things for each other.

    It took a big fight over DH's online habits, and then him nearly killing himself on his motorbike, and a lot of talks with my friends and GP for me to realise that he is actually doing his best and he had nothing left to give either!!

    So we are both trying every single day to make things work by doing small things that we know each other needs. I am trying to make dinners that I know he likes, trying not to dress frumpy and stopping what I am doing when he gets home to ask about his day for 15 min or so - and really listen to him.
    He has been trying to initiate DTD more, more physical affection, showing appreciaton for me through compliments.

    I am not saying this is what you should do but it sounds like you do need a break, and to work out what it is you want from him, and perhaps ask what he wants from you, and start with a couple of things which you both start doing to try and make the other person feel more loved in the relationship. And time, time time together, with or without your DD.

    Hope that wasn't too rambly and incoherent, my 15 months old DS is on my lap "helping".

  4. #4
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    made2bAmummy: you have hit the nail on the head!!!

    I think you might be holding some resentment toward your DH about something that is just bubbling away in the background without you even thinking about it most of the time, making you angry at him for "no reason". there is a reason, it might be something tiny or something huge - in the past, or something happening now. But something is bothering you,
    It wasn't until I read your words I realised the problem, because you opened up a door -RESENTMENT- I have been feeling ALOT of resentment, and it is because DH does not ever want to do anything with me/us. He was the one that really wanted to start a family and be a dad, but is not interested in doing 'family' things, and that is really getting to me. He knows it, and that has been some of our discussions over the last few months, so it is not new news to him.

    I am constantly cranky about it because I know if I ask for him to come somewhere that he wont want to come, whether it is to the shops, local playground, birthday party, local pool, beach ...anything that involves an activity for bub to get out of the house, and stuff which could be done as a family. So over the last few months my attitude has been 'I have a party to go to if you want to come you can' or 'Im taking bub to the lagoon on this day and come if you want'. It is an invitation but not. Because if I WANT him to come, then I just get disappointed when he doesn't want to, so I ask knowing I dont want him to come nor expect it, but just so he has the opportunity.

    you guys don't really have a chance to make it work because you are not seeing each other enough and when you are, you've both just got nothing left to give!! Its not either of your faults, you are both trying to have a good life by working hard and supporting your family, and good on you for doing that!!
    That is why I so want a day job, and to not go onto do my last bit of study next year as I know our relationship can't cope, that is why I wanted us to move, to save our marriage. He knows and accepts that it will be hard but worth doing the study to get the job I want and need. At times we talk about our financial situation with moving and currently still having the mortage while trying to sell the house, and depending on how long it will take, might have enough of living with family and rent a small two bedroom apartment instead of what we really want (4bedroom house) until our house is sold. We cant afford both mortage and rent, but DH says 'you might have to get a second part time job' ...ummm yeah right. Things are hard now. I cant very well, study full time, work two part time jobs and still be a mum and wife and do family stuff God knows how I am going to still spend any time with bub and hubby studying full time and working just 1 part time job. Because we were doing this before bub came along and we hardly ever saw each other then.

    Could you try to have some time together when neither of you is working, just to hang out together? Take your DD to the park or to a market together, go out for lunch together to a family friendly restaurant, or for a beach walk... it seems to me you and your DH just need to have some fun together.
    This is the issue. He never wants to do anything or go out anywhere like what you suggested. So I do these things with bub. Alone. That is why I can't wait to move back to where the family is so I can hang out my mum or my sisters or cousin and not get cranky when Hubby doesn't want to because I will have other people to do this with. Doesn't change the issue though.

    eventhough you don't feel like it, please try to kiss him and hug him more - fake it till you make it type of thinking. You might find yourself really pushing yourself to do it at first and then you may find that you start to like it again.
    Over the last few months I have thought about this and at times do do this. Since reading your post, because I have realised my issue with why I am angry and resentful I have been able to calm down, and started feeling nicer and more affectionate. And I know, sometimes just started something, like a kiss or a hug or by DTD it helps rekindle that love or passion.

    In the last few days, with much blantant remarks from me, hubby has been doing some very nice things, generally being nice and lovely dovey, he gave me a full body massage last night, letting me sleep in, helping out with bub more (well he is on holidays so he can), he even came to the shops with me today.

    started to try to deliberately hurt each other by with holding affection or not doing things for each other
    Yes I feel I was doing this.

    So we are both trying every single day to make things work by doing small things that we know each other needs.
    I am trying to laugh more, and be 'funner' as I am always so serious as DH puts it.
    I too am trying to listen and look at him more when he speaks to me and stop what I am doing.
    I have been susceptible to his affections to DTD, so rather than always saying no because I wasn't thinking about or not in the mood, allowing myself to go with it.

    Your post wasn't rambly at all and has very much helped me. Even just writing this post was therapeutic as it let me express my built up emotions. Even the instant I read your reply, I felt an understanding of what it was that was bugging me and how to go about changing my feelings and allowing myself to overcome my crankiness.

    Thanks so much. It is surely not over yet. But I have definitely felt a good change in my mood.


 

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