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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default 3.5yr old with behaviour issues

    or just issues full stop!!

    ok 1 have 4 kids the older 2 - now almost 7 and 4.5 - who are great - they have there moments like any other child - and have been thru the "terrible 2s"... - which last longer than that! - and all that growing up stuff! - yes a tantrum would happen but it never worried me!
    (oh the 4th one is 18mths old)

    now the 3rd one - my 3.5 yr old, hes just down right horrible! (and please dont get me wrong i love him sooooo much - but his behavior makes me hate him at times to!)

    so what is he like: welll - right now hes out side screaming - at the dogs! (yes im getting up ....)

    a normal day for me (i say me cuase hes much better behaved with dh around) :
    - he hits, punches, kicks his older siblings
    - he gets very cross very quickly over very small things - ie: this morning - ds4.5 came in and asked for breakfast - i told him when the alarm goes off (fyi - these kids never stop eating and i have to lock the fridge and pantry to stopp them eating everyhitng before i wake up - at 6-7am!!!) - so i said whent he alarm goes off it will be breakfast time - "ok" and he runs off to wait.... DS3.5 comes in 5 mins later and askes for breakfast - i told him the same thing - at this point he started geting cranky, yellign at me to get up - tryign to drag me out of bed (hurting me in the process), i try and talk to him he refuses to listen- like he doesnt understand what i am sayign (yet we know very well that he does!)
    - almost every morning i have an argument with him over what he can have for breakfast - and all i offer is 2 choices - weet bix or rice bubbles! - how hard is that to decide!
    - hes often very rough with the baby - he loves him and shows that but at times can get a bit carried away with draging him arounf the house (baby can walk fine by him self) and on the odd occassion he has been caught thumping baby ont he back.
    - hes jsut plain defiant - if i say soemthing he will imediatly say somthign different - ie - we are goign to have ... for dinner (after being asked!) and he will reply with a very stern angry NO i want ... - 90% of the time hes sayign he wants the same meal im making! its like he just wants to pick a damm fight!
    -hes toilet trained - and so most nights hes dry(winder has got the better of both boys and they are both wetting the bed a lot atm) , well if he wakes up with a wet bed - we will be at our bedroom door bashing on the door - ok so one night i was jsut too damm tired to get up to his mood and i said get the stool form the bathroom - yeah well that didnt go down well and i still wound up gettign up!- so he doesn't listen to reason!
    - if he can get into the room (as i now have the stool next to our door) he will come in and tell me his pants are wet and upon me sendign him to the bathroom to take his wet pants off - he will crack - (other boys is fine will do this no dramas) - ds3.5 will just sit there screaming no you help me ....
    - almost evertyhitng he does is very rough (iygwim)

    now on to a tantrum - thankfulyl these are not every day - more like every 2-3 days
    he will crack over nothign, yelling and screaming at me that he dotn want to do soemthing or what ever the trantrum is about, (which can be as simple as me saying no you cannot do that) he starts trowing punches - or hitting me - hes put into time out - he starts bashing the the door - not just banging - bashign like im wating for a broken door one day! - on the odd occasion i will hear toys being thrown around, the only way i have found to settle him is to pin him down (on his bed mot of the time) which some days requires me to alsmot sit on him cause he fights so much it hurts me tryign to restrain him! - i have to hold him down for at least 15 mins (to get him to stop thrashing about - followed by a 15-30 min "pep" talk to calm his mood - and convince him that its time for a nap cuase of his mood - so from start to finish it can take up to an hour to settle him (and thats cuase at the most i will let him go 10-15 mins to get over his tantrum - i would hate to see how long he would go if i let him! )

    he knows hes done wrong - and will usually wake up tellign me hes in a better mood, or that hes being a good boy now. (yes so this makes me even more angry that hes doing this behaviour with the knowledge that hes doing it!!! )

    oh and he flat out ignores me when asked to do "work" - aka clena his room or mess - he will sit around and watch as the other kids clean up (which results in revolt from them! )

    other times - when hes not having his moments hes a wonderful sweet boy! *( a little rough at times but sweet)
    - he will snuggle up with me - in bed most mornings.
    - snuggle with me ont he couch.
    - plays really well with his siblings (untill he snaps)
    - he can speak nicely! (when he wants to - and shows me that he does understand things i say to him!)
    -at times he makes it very easy to love him!

    oh and this behaviour is nothign more than normal toddler defiance while out and about in public and is much tamer when dad is home - in fact dad only saw his 1st ever tantrum a few days ago! - and i have been dealign with this for mths!

    over all dad dont think any thing is wrng - despite what im tellign him, i sent him a email (yes sad isnt it but there is no way he would have listenend to me start talkign about it- he would have jsut done his - theres nothing wrong.... line) any way sent him an email with the signs of Oppositional defiant disorder in it - he just laughed and yelled out - sound slike every kid i have ever known ....

    im jsut at a stage i dont know what to do! - is this all in my head - just me causing his behaviour probs? or is this soemthing more serious? - and if so how do i deal with it when i have a husband who doenst seem to see the problem!

    i think i need to have a psyological break down and spend a few weeks in hospital jsut to get the moron to realise just how much i cannot handle this **** any more! - i feel like crap - i hve a day of doing nothing (like sititng aroudn the house doign nothign but dealign with this kids mood and i am totalyl stuffed by the end of the day - and not physically - mentally! - i tell dh this and hes like what ever! (he dotn say that - cause i would walk otu and never come back if he did) but its the way he kinda just ignores the cuase that makes it feel that way.

    im at my witts end- im getting cranky too much, yellign at all the kids over really petty things! - frustrated at little every days things (like little hands playing with him slef during a nappy change - when its a dirty nappy!!! - the poor baby is being told off for being a baby!) - hes good he gives me cuddles!

    what do i do ? how do i get the support form my husband ?
    how do i fix my son?

    how do i get to the stage where i enjoy being his mother again and not feel that all this is because of me!?? - i gave him a ****ty start to life and so far have done no better since then! i feel like such a failure!

  2. #2
    sweetsugardumplin''s Avatar
    sweetsugardumplin' is offline be the change you want to see in da world
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    GBH to you.

    Both DS and DD have intense mood swings/tantrums and yet can be the sweetest and most thoughtful kids around!

    DS was very challanging at three, it was like a very smart toddler with a very big attitude!

    Some of your DS's behaviour may be his personality, he may also feel supplanted by the birth of his younger sibling.

    What advice can I give you?.......If you can let your DS know what choices he has (as you are already doing) but use this for behaviour too.

    So you could say things like "If you choose to yell at me, I'm going to walk away" etc.......Letting young children have a sense of power (when it's appropriate) can have positive results, especially when they are feeling disempowered.

    Eventually, your DS will develop greater impulse control, and not be so reactive to his surroundings, but that may take some time!

    Finally, your last paragraph makes me feel for you. Love, your DS is the way he is, because that is the way he is.

    Perhaps you still carry alot of sadness and trauma from what sounds like a
    rough start for your DS. Have you had any support around this?

    Keep posting for support and updates, and please know that you are not alone. I've been up since 4.30am waiting for my DD to wake up with her angry screams and yelling (this is how she starts the day, everyday )

    Ah parenthood
    Last edited by sweetsugardumplin'; 15-06-2010 at 04:37.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    I really feel for you. My DD1 shares many of these behaviours (she'll be 4yrs next month). I have found that diet makes a huge difference. I'm talking about healthy foods that some people are intolerant to. Google "fedupwithfoodadditives". They have a book outlining the Failsafe diet. It has changed my DD's behaviour as well as the bed-wetting.

    When she is not on the diet my DD is defiant, loud, hurts/annoys other kids for no reason, moody, hyperactive, refuses to tidy up toys. Wets the bed every night and has day accidents too. When we alter her diet she is able to control her bladder, is more cooperative, is happier and calmer. She also has developmental delays (motor skills and language) and I am sure there is also some improvement in these areas too when we stick to the diet.

    Everyone is different, but for my DD she has an intolerance to a natural food chemical called Salicylates which is found in most fruits and a lot of vegies too). She also reacts to food colourings and antibiotics. I am still in the process of doing the failsafe diet, but I think she may have a cows milk intolerance too. Apparently it is usually the foods the kids love the most that are causing the issues.

    Obviously your child may NOT have any food intolerances and there may be underliying medical issues. Go with your gut instinct and explore everything. My DH was skeptical at first, but I just went ahead and took her to Specialists and started the diet and now DH fully supports me. He has finally realised I am onto something and it is changing our family for the better.

    Good luck


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