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  1. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by countrymumma2b View Post

    Mentally, my mum was perfect and my dad was the one with flaws. I coped by idealising my mum as perfect and pretending that if only she was alive my life would be perfect too. I guess it was to be expected.

    I nearly cried when reading this as it is EXACTLY how i feel.

    Only recently have i started to realise it.

    As a teenager, my god, i was a nightmare for a while, looking for everything wrong in my dad and constantly criticising him when, really, he did the best he could.

    He was far from perfect but our mother may have been too. I will never know.

    There is still so much anger between us...i hate him for his self absorbed attitude and detachment from me, his daughter, and disinterest in my life. He resents me when i succeed and looks down on me when i fail.

    We blame it all on my mother's death- if she were here, he'd be the perfect dad and i'd be the perfect daughter. This is what we hold onto, and it seems to justify everything; his drinking, my existence as an unemployed young mum instead of the university educated woman i should have become. We are so busy being angry, we never see the good in each other. Meanwhile, I put my mother on a pedestal and in my mind she was some sort of superior being.

    The issues never end. I could sit here typing all night.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Cassie - thanks love

    Mystics - I hear were you are coming from. Do you have any brothers/sisters? How old were you when she died? At least you have started to figure this stuff out on your own - I was completely blind to it - I obviously have alot invested in keeping this up.

    I was soo angry at my dad for so long - I think in the last few yrs we have both sort of build a new relationship - I wouldn't go so far to say it is normal - but it a huge improvement on what we. Like you there was alot of underlying hate, lots of criticism and mostly lots of unspeakable hurt.

    After my therapy in my 20s I sorta made some peace with him - I can accept he did the best he knew how to do - but I still had/have this huge feeling of not being WORTH it - IYKWIM. So things are ok but then he will do something and it presses my buttons and I feel like I am a little kid all alone again.

    Don't you think it is wierd that you can go all these yrs and not even really realise that you have turned your mum into some sort of god. I literally idealised her and I am only now starting to see that this is causing me real problems. I don't have enough of the answers yet to figure out what it all means, but I kinda feel like I might actually get there one day.

    I know for me this is my root of my issues - since my therapist raised the issue I have been a complete mess with emotions - one minute sad and crying the next minute relieved. I know I am very protective of my mum and her 'image' - talking to my DH about it after therapy he said my mum was less then perfect and gave some examples of how that may have been so and I wanted to punch him.

    So I know I am holding onto this fantasy - I know it is a combination of

    1. not wanting to disrespect her by saying she was a bad mother.
    2. holding onto the idea that she was perfect
    3. holding onto some notion that somewhere I was perfect and completely loveable and her and I had a perfect relationship (i think this is a big one)

    Right now I am struggling between 'perfect mum' and 'flawed mum'.

    Perfect mum makes me perfect at one point in my life - but also me think I need to be perfect now and makes sucess in my life and relationships unattainable. I never accept myself as human because I can't accept her as human.

    Flawed num - means she had problems and of course that means I caused them which makes me bad. which makes me unloveable and not worth it - which doesn't help me either.

    I guess I have to work through it and figure out she was just human, and in turn I am just human.

    Don't you just wish you could wake up and everything would be 'normal'. I do see though that once I work through this there could be some relief - that I can find some happiness and be less on edge and accept myself worts and all.

    Please feel free to PM me anytime - i think it can be good to 'type all night' and get purge this stuff. my shrink says there is only so many emotions/tears you need to get out, and once you deal with them you can be free
    Last edited by CookiesRYum; 26-03-2010 at 09:10.


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