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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Advice: overcoming abondment/bonding issues when your parents die young?

    Looking for ppl who have lost their parents when they were quite litte or have abondonment issues steming back from when they were very little. Hoping some ppl can share their stories with me to help me understand my own issues a little better.

    I will try to keep this AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE - but a brief background of me...
    • My mum died when I was 2.5 (sisters were 4 and 6.5)
    • Dad looked after us for a yr or so, before getting re-married when I was 4.
    • My sisters and I were severely mentally and physically abused by my step mother and her two children
    • I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather (he was a true peodphile and had abused his whole family for yrs - my step mother told me it was his right as head of the house hold)
    • My step mother divorced my dad when I was 13
    • My dad has continued to raise us from that time
    I have been in therapy once as a teenager, and once in the early 20s but still haven't really dealth with everything.

    So I am back in therapy - I had assumed it was ALL to do with my dad not protecting me from my stepmum and everything that happened AFTER my mother died. I knew I had abondment issues etc.

    Mentally, my mum was perfect and my dad was the one with flaws. I coped by idealising my mum as perfect and pretending that if only she was alive my life would be perfect too. I guess it was to be expected.

    In therapy now, we are discussing the possibility that my mother was not perfect - that infact she was human and possibly a more flawed human then many other mothers. This is really bloody hard for me - I am really really struggling with this. It is like someone telling my the sky is green and the grass is blue.

    My therapist has discussed with me that most bonding/abondment issues tend to be created in the first twelve months of life. I see this as possible, but I don't know how to process it.

    So my question is, to those who have had their parents/mum die when they were quite young how do you re-connect with the real relationship you had with them when they were alive.

    In my mind, it is like a fiarytale where everything was perfect. The reality was probably very different - my mum was abond by her father and her mother died when she was 4 in a horrible accident. She was then raised by her aunty and uncle, but talk around town was that her uncle had had an affair with her mother and killed her. Police enquiries dismissed this, but it stuck. They also said she had killed herself because she had a ******* child etc. Obviously this would have been hard for my mum to deal with. Then she got married at 21, had 4 misscarriages (13-22wks) and one still born at 30wks. (she had an incompetent cervix). Eventually she had us three girls before dying suddenly at 31 of an anurism. She loved my dad, but had major relationship issues with him.

    Logically I know this would have all impacted on her relationship with me - perhaps she had PND, perhaps she had medical concerns - she had lots of headaches etc. Whatever it was, it probably wasn't a fairytale and I need to face the truth of it.. but I am soooooooooo scared!!!

    Thanks for reading my loooooooooooong post...

  2. #2
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by MaLuffly View Post
    Thanks.. it actually feels great to get it off my chest...

  4. #4
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by loving5 View Post
    thanks - i am getting lots of hugs today...

  6. #6
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    I'm sorry I don't have more to offer, I noticed you had said you felt excluded the other day so just wanted to show you that even though I have no experience with what you are going through, I am happy to listen, and hug

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    hey u got a good memory

    it's all good - I don't reply to threads either generally unless I have something to say.. so I understand...

    hopefully there are some ppl who have been through similar experiences and can share (that came out wierd but you know what i mean)

    thanks for your well wishes...

  8. #8
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    i couldn't read and not respond

  9. #9
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    I'm sorry this happened to you.
    Last edited by mum2bubba; 25-03-2010 at 21:17.

  10. #10
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    double post


 

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