+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 7 of 7
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    3,602
    Thanks
    441
    Thanked
    3,371
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default Just need to get this out there, really..

    Okay, so as some of you may(or may not) know, as a child I was sexually abused by my father.
    When I was fourteen, I was forced to see him again by my mother, and I just went completely off the rails. I was a different person and everything.
    Recently, it's started to affect my life again. I've started seeing a councillor for it, and I'm hoping it will do some good, but..
    The questions I have simply can't be answered by a councillor.
    I'm seriously thinking of calling my Dad and asking him why he did it.
    Insanity, I know, but I don't know how else I'm going to get any closure or anything.
    Not that a reason will make things better, but.. Well, he was my father, and I trusted him, and out of the blue he just molested me, and let his brother molest me. And I'm really struggling why he did it, and how he thought it was an okay thing to do.
    I have a tonne of questions for my Mum as well, but she won't answer them when I ask, so I'm still left in the dark and all sorts of confused.
    So, my question is this; Do you think it would be beneficial or not to speak to him?
    I've been struggling with this for a very long time and recently it's gotten to the point where I need to know. I'm not sure if this will bring up unpleasant memories about it or not, but.. Yeah.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Toowoomba
    Posts
    8,747
    Thanks
    2,851
    Thanked
    1,440
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Hmmm this is a hard one.

    I hightly recommend that you discuss this with a couscellor. If you do this, you need to prepare yourself for the outcome.

    What if he denies it?

    What if he makes excuses for it?

    What if he doesn't know why he did it?

    What if he's not sorry?

    You need to be ready for any possible outcome.

    Something that Dr phil sometimes recommends is to give yourself the answers. Write a letter to your father (don't send it) then write a letter back to yourself saying all the things you would want your father to say. You can try that.

    But I just don't think you should be doing this without some sort of support and preparation.

    hope this helps.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    2,117
    Thanks
    14
    Thanked
    73
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I don't have any advise but I couldn't read without replying! I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope one day you will find closure xoxo

  4. #4
    MilkingMaid's Avatar
    MilkingMaid is offline Winner 2009 - Mod Award - most supportive member
    Question those who don't question authority
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Home
    Posts
    9,661
    Thanks
    3,787
    Thanked
    2,144
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    I'm so sorry you went through that as a child, and are stiil haunted by it today

    Des has some good ideas there, I think it would not be recommended to speak to him, is it at all possible to persuade your mum to go to counselling with you? It sounds as though she needs it too.

    I really have no idea about this stuff, but HUGE to you for everything.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Qld
    Posts
    26,930
    Thanks
    2,736
    Thanked
    6,745
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Can you speak to your psychologist and see what THEY think you should do?

    They could have possibly come across similar cases in the past and I imagine a lot of people feel the need to ask, "BUT WHY?!" at some point.

    Your psych might help you decide whether or not speaking with your father is going to help, do nothing at all, or make things even worse... and no matter what they advise you to do, they may have ways of helping anyway. Perhaps they could help you with your questions, how to deal with possibly responses, etc. I'm not sure how it works, but would you even be able to make the call in the presence of your psych? That may be a help?

    I'd speak to them about it, definitely.

    I'm so sorry you went through that OP. No child should ever have to be so betrayed.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    5,879
    Thanks
    991
    Thanked
    1,610
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    gawd I so know how you feel..
    I can only give you my story...but it wont help just give you a possible outcome.

    I confronted my dad. I also found a series of letters that my mum wrote to him.

    My father actually came out and said it was unrequited love and he didnt do anything wrong.

    He wont take ownership. He stands by the fact that he just felt how he felt.

    I have yelled at him, tried logic...nothing he will go to his death bed thinking it was ok to love a 5 year old.

    My mums letters to him are just the same. trying to get him to see the damage and then bang it changes to her convincing herself that is actually ok.

    I guess as survivors who choose to confront and heal, we end up with all the questions with no answers.

    The thing that I have had to accept is...he is sick. My mother was too weak to fight and I am so much better then either of them.

    I belong to a great forum for survivors...if you want the address pm me???

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    QLD
    Posts
    57
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Jennaisme View Post
    Okay, so as some of you may(or may not) know, as a child I was sexually abused by my father.
    When I was fourteen, I was forced to see him again by my mother, and I just went completely off the rails. I was a different person and everything.
    Recently, it's started to affect my life again. I've started seeing a councillor for it, and I'm hoping it will do some good, but..
    The questions I have simply can't be answered by a councillor.
    I'm seriously thinking of calling my Dad and asking him why he did it.
    Insanity, I know, but I don't know how else I'm going to get any closure or anything.
    Not that a reason will make things better, but.. Well, he was my father, and I trusted him, and out of the blue he just molested me, and let his brother molest me. And I'm really struggling why he did it, and how he thought it was an okay thing to do.
    I have a tonne of questions for my Mum as well, but she won't answer them when I ask, so I'm still left in the dark and all sorts of confused.
    So, my question is this; Do you think it would be beneficial or not to speak to him?
    I've been struggling with this for a very long time and recently it's gotten to the point where I need to know. I'm not sure if this will bring up unpleasant memories about it or not, but.. Yeah.
    i dont know if you should ask your father about it. i wouldnt want to know. its going to bring more conflict up. and create more confusion. and more tears.

    i am in the same boat as you.
    Last edited by bittersweetthings; 26-03-2010 at 09:35.


 

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
FEATURED SUPPORTER
KindyROOKindyROO offers activities for babies & toddlers in a fun learning centre, focussing on developmental education. ...
FORUMS - chatting now ...
produce say the ten moments pGeneral Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
50% chance - birthing in limboPregnancy Loss Support
Amazing August TTC #2Conception & Fertility General Chat
Clear Blue digital OPKConception & Fertility General Chat
Come chat, Ladies who are 40+ TTC or ExpectingConception & Fertility General Chat
IVF Babies due Sep/Oct/Nov 2017 #2pregnancy and babies through IVF
The Loafer ThreadGeneral Chat
REVIEWS
"Made bed time less anxious"
by Meld85
My Little Heart Whisbear - the Humming Bear reviews ›
"Wonderful natural Aussie made product!"
by Mrstwr
Baby U Goat Milk Moisturiser reviews ›
"Replaced good quality with cheap tight nappies"
by Kris
Coles Comfy Bots Nappies reviews ›