I would NOT let FIL babysit....quite simple....i will always errr on the side of caution no matter what. Offer to let them spend time at your house....and watch them carefully....abusers are good...many don't give off a "vibe".
As for your DP...he needs counselling....for himself as much as anyone else.
My DH was abused as a child...and we have talked about a lot of things. H once said he did not think he loved DS...so we got into a big conversation about what it is to love a child....he has always heard about that "new love" that you have with a newborn (sort of like the romantic love honeymoon period) and thought if he did not have that...then he did not love. Then we started talking about all the things they do, the things they look forward too, how he would feel to lose him...and we quickly realised that he did love DS.
It took us several goes to find the right counsellor...but the hunt was worth it.
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18-03-2010 18:37 #11Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
18-03-2010 18:41 #12
Firstly what a horrible situation you are in. I too would not let FIL babysit alone either, he can always see your DD while you are there...there is too much at risk and offending him should not be priority.
As for your partner, perhaps its a case of he just doesn't know how to love a child, even his own, rather than he doesn't love her, iykwim. If he never had a secure loving relationship with anyone as a child, it could be he just doesn't know how to love a child??
I really hope you get to the bottom of the FIL situation and I hope your husband gets some help. If he was raped and abused perhaps he is scared to love his DD it might feel weird for him, or remind him of his past especially if she is nearing the age he was when he was abused??
Good luck and lots of for you.
18-03-2010 18:56 #13
I would not let FIL babysit either. Yes it is possible that SIL while in a drug induced state was confused, but as other PPs have said, she may not have been, women like your DPs mother will often continue in a cycle of abusive relationships.
Offending your FIL should be the least of your concerns as if he is innocent, he will likely understand how important it is for a parent to protect their child.
You DP sounds VERY messed up and this is understandable. Continue to encourage him to be open, but acknowlege that while you can listen to and support him, he really needs to speak to someone who can give him coping strategies, and help him get his head around everything.
I also don't think he really understands what it means to love your child. Clearly he has had a very messed up upbringing and he doesn't want to "love" DD in the way that he was supposedly "loved" IYKWIM. He was never shown true, proper affection and love as a child, so he needs to learn how, it may not just come naturally to him.
I am very cautious and protective of my DS and anyone who is with him, whether it be my DH, mum, ANYONE knows that I can walk in at any moment. We have a doors open policy in our home too, even though I feel more than 1000% sure that no-one who is with DS would ever hurt him.
As a pp mentioned, teach your children from VERY early on about their body, proper names for their anatomy, etc. Let them know that they can tell you ANYTHING.
*hugs* and strength to you. Obviously you care very much about your DD and would do anything to protect her. Don't feel bad for being cautious.
18-03-2010 19:10 #14
18-07-2012 08:17 #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Hi guys, as the OP I am bumping this old thread. I'm no longer concerned for anonymity.
DP and I separated a few months ago, at which time he moved in with his father and step mother.
On Monday, one of DPs access days, he got called into work and left DD with his dad. He didn't tell me this until after the fact.
The very next day (yesterday) I randomly bumped into SIL who I literally hadn't seen for over a year. It was really bizarre as I was just talking to a friend about how I felt about ex leaving her with FIL and why. Anyway, SIL seemed ok, when I told her that ex and I split and he was living with their dad her face dropped, she said "I hate him, I know what he did to me". Then when I said ex had left DD with him she got tears in her eyes and just said "Don't let it happen". The timing and the randomness of it (in an op shop half an hour from home, which neither of us had been to and where we almost didn't go) just seems like a sign, if there ever was one.
I guess what I need to know is how do I deal with this situation? As I said before ex denies that it could have happened so sees no harm in leaving DD with him obviously. My mum was abusive at times when i was growing up due to mental illness she now has under control but Ex likes to point out that I leave DD with someone I know to be abusive.
We are really new to this shared patenting gig, and the break up is still quite raw for him and I just don't know what to do...
18-07-2012 08:50 #16
Goodness, I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation.
If I were in your shoes I would deny visitation in FILS house. I'm sure there are legal ways you can do this if you believe it to be an unsafe environment, which it sounds like it really is
Can FOB see DD in your house until he has his own accommodation?
It's just not worth the risk, I feel scared for your DD being alone around an alleged monster.
18-07-2012 10:54 #17
Sorry no advise
Just wanted to send some :Hugs: :Hugs: :Hugs:
If I was in your situation I wouldn't be leaving My child around FIL.
I know your situation is quite messy with your exDP family, but I would just be putting my foot down as much as I possibly could and not letting her in FILs care or at his house etc.
Innocent until proven guilty I know, but honestly in my mind it's not worth the risk.
Hopefully someone else can offer you some better advise.
18-07-2012 12:10 #18
Your ex was abused himself, granted by a different person but I'm surprised as a victim himself that he is so dismissive of his sister. Being an addict does automatically make you a liar.
I would be expressing to your ex that you saw his sister, who has reiterated the abuse and based on that there can't be unsupervised access with his father.
18-07-2012 13:05 #19
I assume Delirium meant *does not automatically make you a liar*, and further to that point, if she has a substance problem, it is possibly as a symptom of being abused.
I would get on the phone to the family relationships advise line and ask them what avenues are available to you to enforce your xfil having no contact (f**k supervision, I wouldn't trust him with her in a room full of people) and how the law can support you in that. That way, next time you speak to your ex, you will have all of the information to really hammer home to him that you are serious about protecting your daughter.
Family relationships advice line - 1800 050 321
18-07-2012 13:16 #20
I was going to suggest giving the family relationships line a call too.
I wouldn't want exFIL anywhere near my DD.
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