+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    26
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0

    Default How to limit great-aunt's access without hurting her too much?

    My aunt, who can be a kind and generous person, can also be very controlling. Especially when it comes to kids. She seems to have an obsession with them. My own mother tells stories about this aunt where she was frequently overriding my mum on things when it came to us kids.

    Now that I'm a mum, I'm starting to feel it too. Some time ago she said she would like it if DS called her grandma. I was shocked at the very idea and said, "He's already got 2 grandmas. You're the great-aunt." I then cheekily said "Do they call that the Dowager Aunt?" She was not impressed.

    She often arrives at my house, unannounced, at very inconvenient times, like dinner or bed time. I let her know its better to ring first, but she still does not. When DS was very little and we would go for walk with the pram together, she would constantly push me out of the way so she could push the pram.

    Anyway, she is constantly angling to have time where she is looking after my DS on her own,without me there. Don't ask me why, she just seems to have this thing where she loves to have a group of kids around her and be the leader of the gang, or something. She also seems to want to have an opportunity to contol the kids without the mother there. Wierd, I know!

    Mt sister lives O/S and last time she visited she told me how relieved she is that she doesn't live in OZ, as it means she doesn't have to deal with this dominating aunt trying to get access to her 3 sons all the time.

    It's not like she is going to inflict any physical harm on the kids and in fact many kids find her a lot of fun. However, the thing is, I just don't share a lot of her values and don't want my son exposed to them either. I also don't want to have to fight for control of my own son.

    My question is, how do I let her know this without either hurting her or causing a big family scene? The very thought of letting him be with her alone makes me feel stressed. So far I have said "I'm not ready yet", but this isn't going to wash for long.

    I just want to keep contol of the situation and not let her do what she always does, which is push her way in and take over.

    Any advice appreciated

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    1,971
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked
    2
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Sounds like a difficult one as it seems you have tried to be reasonable with her when telling her it's better to call in advance & she still hasn't listened. Perhaps you might have to fight fire with fire & be forcefull with her too. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your son with her alone than you shouldn't have to. Just be direct with her but not in a mean & nasty way, just tell her how you want it to be. Don't let her forcefull tactics winover.

    That's just my 2 bob. Good luck with it, it sounds like a weird situation.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Haunted House
    Posts
    10,891
    Thanks
    1,538
    Thanked
    1,568
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Wow she sounds really interfering. I would probably tell her you love her and appreciate her being in your childs life, but you need to do things your way and in your own time.

    I hate pushy people like that.

  4. #4
    HugsBunny's Avatar
    HugsBunny is offline Once upon a time there was a bunny.........
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    6,603
    Thanks
    4,531
    Thanked
    1,966
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Does she have kids of her own? Perhaps she's always really wanted kids and without realising how pushy she's being, she's actually just trying to fill a void in her own life. I find that really sad

    I think you'll just need to stand your ground with her. Just preface everything with 'I know you mean well, but he's tired/grumpy/I'm not ready etc etc etc'.

    As for the dropping round without calling first thing, just don't answer the door until she starts calling first. Or take forever to answer the door and tell her you were sleeping or something like that.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Toowoomba
    Posts
    15,262
    Thanks
    628
    Thanked
    1,178
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 26/3/15100 Posts in a week
    I'd be locking the front door and/or putting a security chain on it. If she comes to the door only open it a crack and tell her the time isn't convenient and if she'd like to come back at another time. I'd also be making it clear to her that he is your son and not her's. She's not really had much regard to your feelings so I would show little towards her and start being pushy back.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    5,027
    Thanks
    1,447
    Thanked
    499
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Tasma View Post
    Does she have kids of her own? Perhaps she's always really wanted kids and without realising how pushy she's being, she's actually just trying to fill a void in her own life. I find that really sad

    I think you'll just need to stand your ground with her. Just preface everything with 'I know you mean well, but he's tired/grumpy/I'm not ready etc etc etc'.

    As for the dropping round without calling first thing, just don't answer the door until she starts calling first. Or take forever to answer the door and tell her you were sleeping or something like that.
    That's what I was thinking

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    The Moon
    Posts
    13
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    Honesty . . .you have to tell her, if she is caring as well as controlling she probably doesn't even realise she is making you feel this way and will be upset to find out she is a major PITA as far as you are concerned.

    Has your Mum learned to stand up to her yet? Maybe that is more the issue . . .if she dominated your mother thinking she wasn't up to the job she probably feels the same way about your mother being a grandmother . . . .maybe it's time grandma reared up and told her sister to back off?????

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    26
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    Thank you all so much for your gentle and compassionate replies. That is so what I needed. I just don't feel right taking an aggro' approach to her, but still want to be assertive.

    I think it's maybe true that she doesn't even realise she causes people some grief and would be very upset if she realised that. Looks like I just have to keep standing my ground. And maybe, one day, if the time is right I might mention to her how some of her behavious makes me feel.

    Thanks guys.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    365
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0
    Make sure you are direct: "Look, Aunty - you keep asking me this, and I keep giving the same answer. You are making me feel uncomfortable and pressured to make a decision that I'm not ready to make. Please stop asking me. It makes me not want to spend time with you if I can't relax and enjoy your company."

    She is used to getting her own way. It will take a little "retraining" before she hears what you say.

    As for the drop ins - do as PP suggested with the chain on the door and say cheerfully "Sorry Aunty! If you had rung first you would have known this isn't convenient. I'll call you tonight to set up a good time, ok?" and shut the door. As an alternative, answer the door with your car keys and nappy bag in your arm and say "Sorry Aunty, we're on our way out! You should have called first. Sorry you drove all this way for nothing!." She'll only do that once before she learns that you mean it.

    Good luck. Everyone in the family obviously knows what she's like, so it isn't as if you'll shock anyone if you stand up to her.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 23-12-2011, 11:20
  2. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 23-12-2011, 10:50

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
FEATURED SUPPORTER
Storksak‘A Place for Everything, and Everything in its Place’ - that is award winning Storksak’s formula for creating a ...
FORUMS - chatting now ...
GD & HypothyroidismGestational Diabetes
Say something or not?General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
Face wash for 9 year old daughterGeneral Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
Looking for donorSouth-West Queensland
REVIEWS
"Made bed time less anxious"
by Meld85
My Little Heart Whisbear - the Humming Bear reviews ›
"Wonderful natural Aussie made product!"
by Mrstwr
Baby U Goat Milk Moisturiser reviews ›
"Replaced good quality with cheap tight nappies"
by Kris
Coles Comfy Bots Nappies reviews ›