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  1. #1
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    Default Missed Miscarriage - my partner seems very distant

    Hi,

    Found out on Monday (at what was to be our first obstetrician's appt) that our baby did not have a heartbeat. What a shock. One minute I was pointing out what I thought was our new little baby to my two year old, the next minute, the ob was telling me she could not detect a heartbeat.

    So I had a D&C yesterday and I'm finding that my partner is trying hard to be supportive but is kind of burying himself in work and I feel very isolated. For instance, yesterday after my D&C he was lovely and we went to church to light candles and we went for lunch but then as soon as we got home and I sent my mum home (she was looking after two year old), my husband disappeared and worked in the study until 11pm. I was just kind of sitting there going '?'. Not that I needed to talk but just that I needed him to be around and 'present'.

    While I was waiting to be admitted for the D&C I had to yell at him to get off his PDA. Again, I was just going - you are clueless and can't you leave it alone. But then I thought perhaps I was being too sensitive and people cope in different ways.

    I'm not sure how other people have found their partners coping skills? I'm really not sure what to do...whether to try and draw him into talking or whether I should just leave him be. Or perhaps I'm just looking for someone to be angry with eventhough none of this is his fault. I just really feel like running away from it all.

    On top of all this my husband has been called back for a colonoscopy after a test showed up a potential issue (he has a family history of bowel cancer and is part of a study at Royal Melbourne)....I'm just kinda going 'WTF?' and 'why us' and 'this is all so wrong'. He'd actually hidden the results from me and I'd accidently found them when I was filing papers in the study. He'd hidden them from me because I was pregnant and he didn't want to worry me. He maintains he would have told me once he'd been given an appointment date for the procedure. (This was a week before we found out about missed miscarriage).

    I've called a grief counsellor and I'm trying to see psychologist on Saturday but I'm really at a loss. I'm just so angry and confused and sad and I'm not sure how to cope.

    Sorry for the rant.

  2. #2
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    Hey Kiersten

    Sorry for your loss It's such a hard thing to go through

    I had a d&c for a miscarriage so am in a similar position but can't give you too much advice, just my experience in this situation

    My dh and I got through it by talking...about what was on our minds and how we were feeling. This was the first time he had opened up to me so much and it has bought us a lot closer together becuase of it.

    In regards to how to cope, I didn't know how I would. But it does get easier each day (I used to hate it when people said this, but it's true)

    Tips I can give you:
    Try and keep busy, we went for walks along the beach, drives just to keep us occupied so we didnt sit and dwell on it

    Exercising is a great way to deal with any anger

    It is ok to be sad and cry. I still cry - not every day now, but I still need my dh's shoulder occaisionally

    Chat to the wonderful people here on bubhub, they really are a great support



    Lots of coming your way

  3. #3
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    Default Thanks

    Babyplease - thank you so much for your kind post.

    It just seems really wrong and unfair and ****.

    I do find it easier if I am occupied - it's when I'm by myself that I think through all the 'woulda, shoulda, coulda's'.

    I'll keep on keeping on! But I'm so weepy and sensitive...and my little two year old kind of knows something's NQR because he keeps asking 'alright Mummy?' Bless his cotton socks.

  4. #4
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    Kierstenx 100 to you sweetie. Its such a hard thing to deal with isnt it. Such an emotional roller coaster. I found my DF is kinda the same, i lost my little one last thursday and my DF was very upset and had a few tears when i told him our sad news. But since then he hasnt mention it. He`s been great with the kids when he gets home form work and he tells me to go and have a nice long shower while his done this dishes but he wont talk about the m/c. Maybe its the way they deal with it, by not talking and keeping pre occuipied??? Althought i feel like i DO need to talk about it. I try not to act upset around him and find myself trying to deal with it when he`s not around.
    What about you? Does your hubby see you you crying or are you bottleing it up around him?
    Its so hard when we had hopes and dreams for our babies and it all comes crashing down. I think our babies were too precious for this world thats why they arent here in body but in spirt.
    Its great to hear you are seeing a councillor, hopefully you can convince your hubby to go too, it might do him the world of good.
    Take care and be kind to yourself

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    I am so sorry for your loss

    I know that my husband's way of coping after my missed m/c was completely different to me. He wanted to keep busy and thought that by carrying on as normal it would help me. The night after my d&c we even had his nephew and girlfriend around for dinner and I had to act like nothing was wrong as no-one new I was pregnant.

    I also think men are natural "fixers" and if there is a problem that they cant fix they really dont know what to do for the best.

    I found focusing on loosing weight before ttc again was a really positive thing to do. I also gained HUGE support from the girls on here

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    It's a good call about men being 'fixers'. I think my husband is trying to be strong for me. It's just like we've almost disappeared into our own little rooms or something. His room involves 'work' - mine involves 'food' and 'shopping'. We are funny we our bandaids. I even said that I wanted a puppy yesterday - like that will fix things. How ridiculous. Ha!

    Today has been an interesting day - my lovely parents in law left some flowers for me and I called to say thanks. My mother in law started talking about the D&C as a 'good clean out' for next time. 'Clean out the works' she said. I was just dumbstruck. I know she has had a miscarriage but I was so shocked she would refer to it like it's a spring clean or something....but then again, perhaps this is what she was told in the 1960s and she's just parroting what someone else said to her. I don't know. I just didn't really know how to respond.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiersten View Post
    It's a good call about men being 'fixers'. I think my husband is trying to be strong for me. It's just like we've almost disappeared into our own little rooms or something. His room involves 'work' - mine involves 'food' and 'shopping'. We are funny we our bandaids. I even said that I wanted a puppy yesterday - like that will fix things. How ridiculous. Ha!

    Today has been an interesting day - my lovely parents in law left some flowers for me and I called to say thanks. My mother in law started talking about the D&C as a 'good clean out' for next time. 'Clean out the works' she said. I was just dumbstruck. I know she has had a miscarriage but I was so shocked she would refer to it like it's a spring clean or something....but then again, perhaps this is what she was told in the 1960s and she's just parroting what someone else said to her. I don't know. I just didn't really know how to respond.
    I am sure that your MIL didnt mean any harm by her comment. As I learnt people say some really dumb things when you miscarry, usually its out of embarrasment and not knowing what to say rather than any malice. Dosent make it any easier I know.

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    Hey there,

    Well i can say i was in the same boat as you. My partner would leave me alone and go off working or spend time doing things around the house that really didnt need doing. I was sooo mad at him and we argued a fare bit. But he then told me that he doesnt know what to do and he wanted to keep busy cause it was hard on him too. Him being distant towards you is a kind of normal make response unfortunetly.

    As for coping, i cant advise you on that...im still finding it hard and my m/c was 6th Jan 09.

    Cheers,

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    Hi everyone,
    I'm glad to have found this thread. I found out on Tuesday that I have had a missed m/c (8 weeks 3 days)and we've chosen to wait for m/c to happen naturally. We hadn't told any family or friends about pregnancy so are dealing with it alone. Hubby just doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling. I'm worried about how this might affect future ttc if we feel so differently about this. I can't pretend this is not happening. I know he's upset too.
    I'm just crying at every little thing.


    Me 34 and DH 38

    3 x IUI cycles
    missed m/c 8 weeks 3 days Feb 09

  10. #10
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    I know that my DH can't understand my grief. To him it's more like a 'false alarm' than a loss. I know that sounds strange....

    If you feel that you need to talk to him then make sure you don't let it fester or you'll suddenly loose it one day (or perhaps 3 am one particular morning after you had decided to move furniture around for no apparent reason) and say something you regret. Mine was something along the lines of 'you weren't ready for this baby are you glad it died'... He may not understand my grief but he still had a strong sense of loss too. His loss is more of what could of been rather than what was going to be IYKWIM. (possibilty vs expectation) That sudden 3am burst did not go down well and he actually left the house. I wasn't sure that he was going to come home again that night either he was so cut up.

    I think your MIL comment was more a focus on the positive kind of thing. She is right that the D&C can often leave you more fertile as it does clean out residual tissue that could cause issues in pregnancy... I know it's not really what you want to hear from her though.


 

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