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  1. #1
    Giddy's Avatar
    Giddy is offline i already ate all the chocolate
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    Default anyone had a similar situation?

    I am so stuck, confused and feel totally hopeless.
    Here it goes...
    Dp and I had been together for 5 years fell preg, decided to go ahead with it and broke up when DD was about 15 months.
    Without going into a huge vent and story..basically his problems with drugs anger lies and disrespect for me made me leave. He is having ALOT of problems with me leaving..he went through the whole 5 stages anger grief etc etc, which was extremely hard and it was just starting to get a little bit smooth but than he started seeing a new girl.
    I told him i was ok with it, however it sent him soooo far down. he has said that seeing her just made him miss me evan more. And now it is like we are right back to the start again...his moods are going so far UP and than DOWN. This whole time i have done nothing but be level headed fair and nice. I want to keep some kind of 'pleasentness' going for our DD and for him. It is soo extremely hard.

    I cheated on him quite a while back (now i have to explain myself) i was young and felt like i couldnt leave our relationship, but was very depressed in it. A mix of alcohol, feeling young and free again with my friends and attentiveness from guys made me do something i have wished over and over again that i could take back. but i cant... and i told him everything. i think back than i hoped that he would leave me..but he didnt he forgave me and because i knew id done something so wrong i felt i have constantly owed him something.
    He blames everything he does wrong now on me cheating on him. the drugs, the anger, he says i made him the person he is.

    So now he is basically telling me that i have to stay with him cause i made him who he is cause i cheated on him. I have made it very clear to him that i have no intentions of going back, but he wont give up. and now iv started recieving messages implying suicide

    This makes him sound like a horrible person, he really isnt THAT bad...WE just dont work together, and he knowes that...how do i get him to actually face it and accept it and move on without being too harsh?? i am trying to be firm but not mean and nasty.

    i think i need councelling. i want to help him but i know i cant but sitting here makes me feel hopeless when i know he is hurting so much.

  2. #2
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    All I can think is that it would probably be more helpful to get him into counselling and seeing a doctor. The most probable way to do that is to offer to see one together... it would probably be a good start.
    And also to encourage to see counsellors seperately.

    Not saying something like relationship counselling, but it may be the first good step he needs, and the encouragement that he's lacking.

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    Ive been through somthing simmular but not the same.
    Counceling will help I'm sure even if u never get back together at least u might be able to communicate better for the child and he might sort his life out get off drugs ect.
    The cheating will prob always be used against you my ex cheated (we were on a break 1 week) she got pregnant I used it against him for ages until I did the same thing and the shoe was my foot got back together 2 weeks l8er didnt tel him but he found out (months l8er) and had a mental never forgave me I only forgave him because I felt guilty but in the end when trust is gone it never comes back no matter how hard u try to forget and forgive good luck

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    I've been through something similar (drugs, lies, suicide threats, etc..)
    Counseling is the key, not together. You need to go to counselling for you.
    As for the cr*p he is uttering, don't listen to it.
    He is an adult.
    He is responsible for his own life, his own actions, his own consequences and his own happiness.
    He is acting like a typical addict - blaming everybody else to avoid reality.
    Listen to your instincts, leave before he starts blaming your DD for his problems (mine started that)
    My counsellor helped me understand roles, responsibilities and hwo to deal with the guilt and emotional balckmail I was getting. Once I started to push it back and say to my ex "NO, you are an adult, you get to make your own choices and you have to sort your own stuff out" I felt better. He didn't, but I learnt that isnot my fault and not my problem.
    Hoep this helps.
    Good luck.

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    [quote=Giddy;2511157]I am so stuck, confused and feel totally hopeless.
    his problems with drugs anger lies and disrespect for me made me leave. He is having ALOT of problems with me leaving..he went through the whole 5 stages anger grief etc etc, which was extremely hard and it was just starting to get a little bit smooth but than he started seeing a new girl.
    it sent him soooo far down. he has said that seeing her just made him miss me evan more. And now it is like we are right back to the start again...his moods are going so far UP and than DOWN.
    He blames everything he does wrong now on me cheating on him. the drugs, the anger, he says i made him the person he is.

    So now he is basically telling me that i have to stay with him cause i made him who he is cause i cheated on him. I have made it very clear to him that i have no intentions of going back, but he wont give up. and now iv started recieving messages implying suicide [Quote]

    I don't know how to say this to you..either way it's going to be hard for you to hear.
    I've been in your situation.
    I nearly got killed.
    For your sake and the baby's please...
    Move house, get a silent ph no. preferbly somewhere he isn't likely to visit.
    Please, we don't want to see you missing or hurt along with the baby.
    If you don't I can guarentee you that the dept of child safety will sooner or later step in.
    I don't want to see this happen to you.
    Play straight...see a counciller if it won't get you killed.
    These guys from the drug trade, you don't screw around. The normal advice isn't adequet enough when dealing with drug traders k.
    It's the same info that a person from the AFP will tell you.
    Good luck.. I will be thinking of you, your not alone. u need this hug.

  6. #6
    Giddy's Avatar
    Giddy is offline i already ate all the chocolate
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    Thankyou girls. it really means alot.

    liddy i truly agree with you that a relationship is 2 people etc, and i have told him that this breakup is not just about him and what he has done wrong...it was us...and we didnt work.
    I also think a good break would be nice, but how do we manage that when he sees DD at least once a week?

    We tried councelling when DD was very young, he went twice and sat slumped in the chair with his arms crossed and his head down the whole time like a little boy in trouble. Once i mentioned the drugs to the psyc he would not go back. I kept going and evan though it wasnt til a while later, she helped give me alot of strength than led me to leave.
    He has a referal for anger management and he has a history of depression, but wont do anything about either. He says it is my role as his girlfriend to stand by him and help him through it. You cant help someone that wont help themselves. I offered not long ago to go to his dr with him to get him back on antidepressants so that he can make it through the breakup, but he wont.
    I think i might start councelling again so i can learn how to deal with him.

    BeauyBabe- it sounds like you have been through alot. you must be a very strong person. Fortunatly i dont really fear for our safety with him. He is an angry person yes, but has never been physical. If i ever start getting any kind of feeling that it might start going that way, i will def start putting those things in place. It must be soo hard though, i am still quite close with his family and we have mutual friends...i cant imagine how tough that would be, and i hope it never comes to that.

    Yesterday wasnt such a great day. He was very down in the morning and i just tried to ignore his messages and didnt answer my phone...i know that this just upsets him more, but trust me, getting in a fight with him is worse. when he is angry and upset he will not listen to reason.
    Anyway I got a message from him saying he was not at work today and wanted DD. i threw everything in the car grabbed some food for dds lunch quickly dressed her jumped in the car and started to a friends place (where we were going for the day anyway) than realised we'd forgoten her blankie, turned around drove in the driveway...and he pulled up seconds later.

    So he took her, after quite a few words, but i refuse to really fight in front of our daughter and there wasnt much i could do. i physically cant stop him, and he wouldnt listen to me so i just let her go. i went to my friends and cried for a bit. he called when he calmed down (which i knew he would) and although he didnt say it, it was easy to tell how horrible he was feeling about it all. He evan paid some child support yesterday...first payment ever (it was due 3 months ago).
    When i picked her up in the afternoon he said, thanks for letting me have her (genuinely) he was trying to act like nothing was evan wrong.

    This is what he does, he gets upset and angry and just wants me to hurt too, most things like his words i can ignore, because i know it only because he is really hurting, but taking DD off me...well.
    But as soon as he knowes he has hurt me it sort of turns back on him and he starts feeling horrible and i get apologies and he cries and all the rest... and again i feel sorry for him and just want to hold him and tell him its going to be ok. But i cant. (god im a nutcase)

    I really wanted to be able to avoid custody arrangements but that was the third time he has done something like that, and there is nothing i can do to stop him, so i guess i have no choice but to do all that.


 

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