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  1. #1
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    Default Feeling like a failure! 3 years young! Where am I going wrong?

    Hi All

    I'm new to this site - have just finished watching Super Nanny and have spent the last hour trying to find some advice on the net. This site seems very informative so I'd welcome any help on my situation. Having only lived in Australia for 6 months I don't know many people that I can turn to for advice.

    We have a gorgeous 3 year old son. He enrolled in Kinder and I was delighted with all the feedback I received saying what a well mannered little boy he was, and how polite, sweet etc. This is now changing and I'm getting a few reports of him being a bit naughty. I can deal with that as believe it is to be expected. What I can't cope with is the way he is when he is with me - mostly in public. He has started to back chat really badly, very loudly and worst of all he has now starting using terrible language. I just don't know how to deal with it. I've read books, watched programmes etc but feel like I'm in the minority suffering with this problem. For example - I took him to the beach today as he loves splashing around and burning off energy. He started playing with another 3 year old boy who was about 6 months older. The little boy shared his toys with my son but my son wouldn't share his. Then when my son didn't get his own way he would start shouting. I stepped in to stop him and he turned around and shouted obscenities at me at the top of his voice. The other Mother looked horrified. She said it was best to ignore it.

    People say it is a stage he is going through and will pass. But it is horrible hearing your son shouting "You stupid ......." at the top of his voice. I feel like it's my fault and I'm doing something wrong. I've tried ignoring it, I've tried explaining to him that he shouldn't speak to me this way and use naughty words, I've tried time-out and I've even slapped his hand (which I hated doing).

    PLEASE can anyone help me. My husband is now worried that our son might have something wrong with him, although I've researched ADHD etc and don't think it's relevant to him. Our son is so affectionate and loving - but these outbursts are hideous and I'd do anything to try and resolve it.

    Hope to hear from someone soon.
    Thanks for listening

  2. #2
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    Hi, thought I drop a line after reading your thread.
    It sounds as though you are going through a similiar situation that i went through with our son. When his behaviour became really bad in public I was not sure how to handle it - this also occured when he started mixing with other children. I then decided that if it occured again I would remove us from the situation immediately. It only took a few times. I was honest with him (and prepared to follow through straight away) but if he started speaking rudely etc we would leave and I would explain that we cannot stay if he behaved that way. One time we had only just gotten to a the beach ( an hours drive!!!), and when I asked him something he was sooooo rude, so I said we are leaving. I explained the situation and left
    (I personally was really bummed as any parent would know the effort that goes into going getting out and going somewhere) but we left, needless to say we had some tears etc, but consistency is the issue. The message was clear to him, if he spoke like that he would miss out too. Anyway it worked for me , and now i have the most polite well mannered little boy, who gets comments from strangers and shop assistants on how well behaved he is, whether we be shopping, visting friends attending parties. I am so proud of him. Hope this helps you out.
    Louise

  3. #3
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    Hi Troood
    I can understand what you are going through as I am battling the same things with my 3yr old daughter. I agree with LouLou you need to take him from the situation. I have walked out of a shop leaving behind the shoes i was buying for my daughter because of her behavour. I think the most important thing is to remain consistant so your son will relise that bad language gets bad consequences. I did a Positive Parenting course run by the QLD gov. which help us a lot. I don't know if they have similar courses in your state you could check with the local child health clinic. Good luck if you persist it will get better

  4. #4
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    hi everyone,

    i haven't really had to deal with this behaviour YET, but i'm positive its coming - my daughter is nearly 3 and with a new baby in the house, i'm expecting some backlash !! but i do watch dr phil and he agrees with what everyone else is saying - just remove yourself and the child from the situation and be consistent. omg i can't even imagine leaving a trolley full of groceries in the middle of the aisle and walking out of the shops with a screaming toddler, but i'll definitely give it a go when (and if) the time comes. judging by the responses, its a technique that works

    good luck everyone

  5. #5
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    Hello,
    The behaviour your son is displaying is identical to what my son was doing. At first I too considered ADD but the profile didn't quite seem to fit. After a lot of research and a few visits to the paediatrician, he was finally diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. There is apparently no medication or any thing for this but a friend of mine put me onto this stuff that has changed our lives. To paint a picture of the enormity of his behaviour problem, my son doesn't only have Aspergers, he also has ADHD and a learning disability. The whole situation was tearing my family apart and if it wasn't for my friend, I wouldn't have my family anymore. My son is now a perfectly "normal" little boy who loves and respects us all and he is completely drug free. I thank God every day for the miricle of sanity brought into our house. If you are interested in hearing more, email me at familee1@aapt.net.au
    Even if you are not interested, email me anyway because you can never have enough support. Good Luck!!!
    Last edited by Melissa Lee; 01-08-2005 at 21:58. Reason: forgot a coment

  6. #6
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    Hi, once little kids know these words they will constantly use them as they know that they get an absolutely fabulous response the question you need to ask yourself is where on earth did a 3 yr old hear such language in the first place? you need to find out where he is hearing it and discuss it with this person/people immediately. If it is an older child at kindy talk to the teachers about the concerns you have with your child playing with children who speak this way. As for ways on getting him to stop im not sure about that, but whatever you decide make sure it is consistent and that it makes him think twice before he does it again! good luck, i feel for you, there is nothing worse than being out in public and having your little 'angels' totally embaress you, let us know how you go

  7. #7
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    Default Magic words and behaviour

    Firstly let me say you are not a failure. If you were a failure you would be sitting on your backside doing nothing about the behaviour. So, you're just like the rest of us at some time or another - at a loss!

    Next - I hear ya! My 2 year old came out with the Magic F word about 3 months ago. Perfectly annunciated and in context. I didn't react although on the inside I was absolutely devastated as we don't use bad language (actually - occasionally I slip but not that word and only occasionally).

    He said it at least another 20 times over the following weeks before my husband and I devised our own plan. The word was generally accompanied by angry and aggressive behaviour - hitting out, smacking, beating up on his little sister, tantrums.

    We decided to focus our attention on the way he said it and not the word itself. Focussing on the word lets them know they've hit the mark. So he would have to sit in his thinking corner after an outburst and we would firmly tell him that we didn't like the way he was speaking to us.

    This has happened many times in public as well - and we removed him from the situation each and every time denying him the joy of outings. It is incredibly embarrassing I know. I have been reduced to tears after seeing about 50 people at a beachside cafe laughing at us.

    The word has now gone and if he says something that remotely sounds like it - I respond with "What fire truck?".

    Consistency is the key. We still have many behavioural issues with our son and I think I'm seeing the light - it's a pinprick but it's there and I'm hanging onto it!

    I wish you the best of luck ... chin up and be gentle on yourself. You're a good mum for caring and we're always learning the ropes of the hardest job known to mankind!

  8. #8
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    Cool I just had to respond

    Hi there

    Just had to respond. My 3 year old (4 in December) is exactly the same. He is forever yelling at me, "You are stupid" and saves it for public places. Sometimes we'll enter a quiet little shop and he'll 'sense' that it's quiet and immediately start yelling. It really is as if he's deliberately trying to embarrass me - and knows the forum for maximum impact. I have become really worried.

    Jay attends our local Montessori pre-school three mornings a week; they tell me he is marvellous and very intelligent and causing no more trouble than any other little boy of similar age. But with me he is an absolute monster. Volatile. So angry so quickly. The littlest thing sets him off. I feel I am tiptoeing around him.

    I see the responses you received and will try the 'instant removal' from wherever we are when he starts to play up trick. Usually it's inconvenient for me to leave wherever it is he's misbehaving and so I don't. But I am going to try it now. Hope it works.

    Have you tried anything? Has anything worked?

    Lucky Jay hasn't picked up the f*** word but he did say "basta*d" once in a public forum. I just wanted to fall into a hole and disappear. Everybody was staring at me. Hasn't done so again so I am hoping he's forgotten it.

    I have been really worried. I've avoided many places just for fear that he'll really play up - and it's a real pain doing that.

    I await any further advice from anybody out there.

    Thanks. I just joined up today and am looking forward to chatting.

    Karen
    xx

  9. #9
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    Karen - I'll be completely honest and say that our family have become social outcasts since the arrival of our little bundle of Benergy. He came into the world kicking and screaming and hasn't come up for breath yet! Every few months we venture out and every few months we realise why we haven't done it for a few months ... a bit like the pain of labour really - you forget! So we just keep on chipping away at it .... We have a book called "Raising your Spirited Child" which helps you deal with it a little better. They use different words to describe the personality you deal with day in and day. Consequently, our son also goes to a Montessori centre and they think the sun shines out of his little white bottom! Good luck with it - if it ever gets really nasty .. send me a PM - Coopsntilly also have a 'spirited' one (hope you don't mind that Coopsntilly) so she also 'hear's ya'.

    Quote Originally Posted by ruby-jay
    Hi there
    But with me he is an absolute monster. Volatile. So angry so quickly. The littlest thing sets him off. I feel I am tiptoeing around him ...Have you tried anything? Has anything worked?...I have been really worried. I've avoided many places just for fear that he'll really play up - and it's a real pain doing that.

  10. #10
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    Smile thank you

    Thank you for that, supermum! It really does help to know that you're not the only one. Often I look around and other little boys seem to be behaving so much more appropriately than mine and few of my friends are willing to put up their hands to admit to any problems - except one - which is helpful.

    I will get the book you mention. I am keen to avoid labelling Jay as ADHD or something and hence I haven't yet taken him off for any sort of 'diagnosis' or whatever - I think we're all too quick to put difficult little boys into that category. Of course, I've read a bit about it and he probably fits the bill of all the 'symptoms' they list. Yet so do many other little boys so I am not too sure it's all that accurate, or simple.

    Anyway - we are leaving today for 3 weeks in Noosa! I can't wait. Although I am rather anxious about how Jay will behave. It's always easier, though, when my husband is around because at least I am not alone with any problems that might arise.

    I realise I am making Jay sound like some sort of demon - of course he is the most loving, sweet little kid much of the time and I adore him. He's just a bit more than I can handle at other times and I do fear, when hearing so much about kids and their 'disorders' and stuff, that he might get shoved into some sort of 'behavioural problem' box and never get out of it.

    Thanks for your response.


 

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