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Advice on how to share news

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  • Advice on how to share news


    Would love some advice. Long story short, my cousin whom I am really close with has been struggling with infertility for years. I recently have fallen pregnant after about six months of trying. She has just undergone her first round of IVF and finds out in two weeks if she is pregnant.

    If she is pregnant, I’m a little unsure of how to tell her. She will tell me straight away if she is. I’m wondering should I tell her at the same time as she tells me or wait a bit longer to give her her ‘moment’

    I’m worried either of these things will happen...

    If I tell her at the same time I am worried she will feel like I’ve taken the attention away from her.

    And if I don’t tell her I’m worried when she later finds out, she’ll be offended that I didn’t share my news but she did.

    Wonder if anyone has been in her shoes and what they would have preferred?

    If she isn’t pregnant, I am going to wait a bit longer to tell her to give her some time to process it all.

    I just want to do what is best for her


  • #2
    I think it's lovely you're so aware of your cousins struggles.

    I didn't need ivf, but my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.
    My second happened 1 cycle after the miscarriage.
    My 3rd pregnancy (2nd child) took 2q months of active trying, tracking ovulation etc.
    My 4th pregnancy (3rd child) was kind of a surprise, I stopped BC, intending to have a few cycles to let my body adjust. I was still breastfeeding my 2nd, cycles irregular... and boom. Before we were really trying.

    While I was still bleeding from my miscarriage, my mum went to visit my brother, she called 1 day asking to tap to my dad who wasn't here. She announced my niece was scientific pregnant, told me I was on loudspeaker and asked if I wanted to congratulate her. I did, but I couldn't. I had tears rolling down my face and a huge lump in my throat. The silence was horrible. I eventually just hung up without a word, and went and cried.

    I would tell her privately. Be aware she may not react the way you may expect. It's not a reflection of you, or your pregnancy. And it's likely not of her true feelings either. She may be sad, even angry. But I'd say it's very much likely to be grief for herself. The happiness for you will come. She may distance herself for a bit while she processed it. Just be aware of this and don't take it personally.



    • #3
      I would tell her yourself and make sure you do it before someone else does. She will appreciate it so much more. Does she know you’re trying too? If so, I’m sure she’s expecting to hear the news at some stage. Find the medium that works for you and her. Doesn’t have to be face to face if you think she will struggle, it could be via text/phone call/messenger etc.

      When I started TTC, I had 2 other friends also TTC. We all had visions of being pregnant together and our kids growing up as friends. It didn’t happen that way. While we all had varying degrees of difficulty falling pregnant, it took me the longest, by far (4 years). I was also the only one who needed IVF. One had surgical removal of endo and the other just needed clomid. I did clomid, IUI, investigative laparoscopy and hysterosalpingogram before going to IVF...

      When they both fell pregnant they told me early on. One told me in person and the other told me via messenger. I appreciated both of them telling me themselves and I was genuinely happy for them. By the time I was finally pregnant with DD, they both fell pregnant with their second babies shortly after.

      She will truly be happy for you, but depending on how hard she’s finding the infertility journey will just affect how she receives the news. If you’re truly that close, you will know the best way to tell her x


      • #4
        Thanks for the advice ladies.

        If her IVF doesn’t work out then I will definitely tell her privately and before others know.

        It’s more I’m stuck with the what if the IVF is successful. Do I tell her I’m pregnant when she tells me she is pregnant? Or do I wait a couple of weeks extra so she doesn’t feel like we are stealing her thunder?


        • #5
          Can you tell her now? Presumably she will tell you once she has a positive test so would you not do the same? Once your pregnancy has been confirmed by blood test/scan etc?


          • #6
            Originally posted by MLadyEm View Post
            Can you tell her now? Presumably she will tell you once she has a positive test so would you not do the same? Once your pregnancy has been confirmed by blood test/scan etc?
            She’s just had some bad news about her Mum so now unfortunately wouldn’t be good timing [emoji20]