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Do you believe your children?

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  • Do you believe your children?

    I’ve posted similar before but find it hard to know what to do. Before I had kids I decided I wanted to believe them until proven otherwise but they are young (5, 3 and 2). I’d heard some awful stories of abuse where kids’ Mums didn’t believe them. My Mum was also abused and even though her Mum knew it was happening, she still went to work on a late shift. My 5 and 3 year old have now both told me that Grandma used to be nice but now she is mean. They have told me at separate times that Grandma asked them to make a decision if they are going to live with me or my partner! That if I leave, I will **** everyone’s life up and that I’m ****ing everyone off in the house! My oldest said she had a funny look on her face when she said it. My poor 5 year old keeps telling me I’m nice and that he’ll look after me. He doesn’t need this when he’s only 5 and just started school! FYI my MIL comes across very nice but I know from experience how she has been with me. It sounds ridiculous but I find it hard to have clarity when I’m in the situation myself. I’ve tried to think what would I tell a friend (believe your kids). But because my kids are so young I feel like I’m being paranoid. Thanks if you read this far 🤪

  • #2
    Yes. I would believe them in this situation. I think you need to get out right now. Take the kids to your mum’s or something. Young children shouldn’t have to bear the burden of their grandmother’s spiteful rants about their mum. She must have an inkling that you’re contemplating leaving if she’s asking them to choose who they will live with. Run now.

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    • #3
      I agree, kids of that age are smarter than we think. Sometimes they might mix things up but they are so emotionally raw you don’t want to risk somebody poisoning them with stories or threats.
      I’d be keeping them away from her.

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      • #4
        Yes I would believe them. How else would they even know how to speak like that at such a young age.
        So they really need to see her?
        What does your partner say? I’m not sure what your situation is but you said it yourself a 5 year old does not need to listen to stuff like that.

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        • #5
          Im sorry you're going through this I would believe them. Even if you don't act today, collect as much evidence as you can....

          Given what you've also said recently I would make a detailed, factual written report/note every time they make these comments, and try as hard as you can to keep them away from her. Is there ANY other alternative??

          When writing it up, keep it brief but clear.... But try to keep emotion out of it, and don't assume anything.

          Date/time the child said it.....Word for word what the child said....The most recent time and reason if needed they were with MIL.

          E.G.:
          1/2/2020, 4.36PM
          Grace said MIL told her "you need to decide who you're going to live with. Mum or dad"
          Collected from MILs house 4.30pm, at MILs house from 2pm-4.30pm 1/2/2020, hair appointment for myself.

          24/1/2020 12.51pm
          Grace said "grandma is different now and is grumpy all the time"
          At grandma's 21/1/2020 11am-7pm. Work.
          Last edited by shadowangel0205; 02-02-2020, 20:54.

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          • #6
            Thanks everyone. My partner doesn’t believe his Mum would say that. You wouldn’t either, if you met her but I’ve been on the receiving end of her manipulation when no one but my kids are around. I feel crazy because I’m completely alone in this, as my soon to be ex partner doesn’t believe me. I personally think she has planted some nasty seeds in his mind about me too because he is completely on his Mum’s side, which is unusual. Anyway, this is about the kids. I have a duty of care to protect them and you’re right, how else would they know to say things like that. They have told me what she said more than once too. At the risk of sounding crazy, I think my mil wants me out of the picture so she can raise the kids herself. I feel that she thinks she mothers them better than me after a few comments she made to my Mum (once again, when no one else was around). I’ve been writing everything down word for word but should add dates etc thanks. I’m applying to childcare and luckily I’ve got 4 weeks holidays to hopefully move out of here. It feels like my partner and his Mum are the parents and I’m an outsider when I get home from work. The thing that creeps me out the most is when I’m laying down with my oldest chatting to him, mil will try to get him to go and play this stupid memory game with her or she’ll sometimes take him into the lounge and I hear her talking quietly to him.

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            • #7
              Does your MIL live with you?

              In answer to your question. I would believe your children 100%. In my experience small children are more likely to lie about things when they think they will get in trouble.

              Eg - who took the last biscuit? Not me.
              Did you hit your sister? No
              Did you touch the TV? No

              That sort of stuff. Highly unusual to lie about what Grandma said to them. Getting the story wrong. yes, maybe. But not a outright lie. Since it has been going on for so long, I would definitely believe them..

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              • #8
                No, she doesn’t luckily but she’s over a lot. My partner and her think I work weekends just to **** my partner off and the Mil HAS to come and help (their words)! I work one weekend a month by the way and I have to because I’m a nurse and have been for 20 years. Nothing has changed with my work, apart from working a bit less due to having babies. Just their attitude has changed. That’s what I think with kids lying too. I’m pretty sure I can tell the difference when my oldest is making up stories. I really don’t see why a child would think it’s a funny or good story making stuff like that up. Kids like tricking their parents with funny things, not nasty stuff their Grandma has said about their Mum!

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                • #9
                  To answer your question - yes I would 100% believe your kids.

                  Slight off topic - have you considered a nanny? Pretty sure you get a rebate these days (someone correct me if I am wrong) and it may be easier for shift work to have a nanny.

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                  • #10
                    Do you believe your children?

                    100% believe them. I had a mother that I told her bf exposed himself to me as a child. I was six years old when I told her.

                    She believed me but went back to him a month later. We never recovered and I stopped trusting her from 6 onwards, all through the rest of my life. The anger carried with me until she died 3 years ago. Your children need to know that you have their back until proven otherwise. It also sounds like a very unusual thing to make up and lie about tbh.

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                    • #11
                      Children dont lie about things like that. 100% believe them.
                      "This too, shall pass."

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                      • #12
                        I’m sorry that happened to you and I can completely understand how you lost your trust in your Mum. I’m afraid of that happening if I don’t go and also stop mil looking after the kids.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Happymummy5 View Post
                          I’m sorry that happened to you and I can completely understand how you lost your trust in your Mum. I’m afraid of that happening if I don’t go and also stop mil looking after the kids.
                          There are always alternatives. Can they go to daycare?

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                          • #14
                            Kids can and do lie for various reasons; to get out of trouble, active imaginations, for attention etc. But what you're mentioning does sound like something they have been told or overheard.

                            If the care situation can't be changed for the time being, you totally have the right to bring it up - 'x came home and told me this...it's really important they don't hear such things as it causes them stress.'

                            My paternal grandma had the habit of trying to turn me against my mum - kids are easily manipulated so I'd make a point to tell her that a) you know and b) it needs to stop

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                            • #15
                              Yes, I would believe that. A child is simply not going to understand the context or get any benefit from making a story like that up. It does not mean you get to sever the relationship with the Grandmother, though. A separation means that you can no longer dictate those sorts of issues you have to negotiate them. Everyone gets angry during separations (including Nanas), and everyone does things they either do or should later regret. There are mediation and counselling services that could help. A confrontation will quickly turn into an argument but it is not really something you can let slide, so third party help might be valuable.

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