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'I' am his MUM, not YOU....

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  • 'I' am his MUM, not YOU....

    Well, where do I start. I am suppose to be in Brisbane right now, staying at mums, but that wont happen anymore. I'm not going back.

    Last night, well yesterday I went in, and when she got home from work DS started to be naughty and rude, so he got a smack (oh yes I'm a bad parent and I smacked him), so he cried because I said I was not going to listen to him being rude and walked away. SOOOO My mum started hugging him, and saying "It's ok sweatheart, nan-nan loves you", so I said to her, "can you stop doing that?? I'm sick of you making out I'm some bad person and dont love him because I'm punishing him for doing the wrong thing."

    So she started saying "Oh no **insert name** I'm not allowed to hug you cos your mum doesnt want me too", and sh!t like that, so once again I asked her to stop.

    This has been a constant thing, a big issue with me. She thinks that because we are in her house SHE over rules what I say in regards to MY son, and she can do and say as she pleases and I have to respect her, because it's HER house! But she does it in MY house too...

    So we got into a massive arguement, and she told me that if I want her to stop treating my son like hers, then I should treat him like my son rather than a piece of sh!t, and on and on she went, and she told me I'm too harsh on him, this coming from a mother that use to use a belt or piece of wood on me as punishment.... But yet I'm abusive for giving him a smack sometimes.

    So I told her she was a bad mother to me, and to stop trying to better herself, by trying to take over MY role as DS's mother. And told her basically what I really think of her, and am sick of not saying anything....

    And she brings him into our arguements, and that shouldnt happen, like I'll say something to her, and she then starts ranting to him about it... He's 3, he doesnt need that..

    I know I should have just shut up, but I've warned her that she would never see DS again if she kept doing what she does. She has made it so bad that DS constantly says, "I want to go live with Nan-nan", cos she cuddles him everytime he gets in trouble... BUT then after critising ME, she turned around and started making him cry by saying she was going to move away and he'd never see her again, all because he started with the "I hate you" thing which as soon as he gets in trouble he says lately.... And this was part of the reason it all started, as she had a go at me for making him cry the other day by just saying she had to move house....

    She just doesnt respect what I say in regards to MY son.... No matter who's house we are in he is still MY son and what I say goes. She has no right to put me down in front of him or contradict my punishment of him. She says I should respect her cos she's my mum, so she has every right to try to take over....

    But as I keep telling her, she had her turn at being a mother, THIS is MY turn....

    So now, we're not going back, DS is devestated. She started bringing my cousin into it by organising for him to collect DS's toys, she messaged DF and lied to him about what I said to her, and said "I'm deleting your numbers now so I will never contact you again", and is being overdramatic.

    I always thought she was better than this.... She is always there to support me, but then throws it back in my face and tells me I'm raising my son wrong, and basically that I'm a bad mother.... She also has the sh!ts cos I wont let her say stupid cr@p to my stomach, well the baby inside it, and blow raspberries on it.. It quite simply annoys me and is MY body, why do I have to allow it, just cos she done it with DS...She talks and wets it and it's just gross....

    I'm 34 weeks with my second and wanted her around, but I have warned her I wont tolerate it anymore so many time, for over a year now, and she has continued. But then I feel so guilty for severing ties with her....And DS was so distraught last night, he was just crying and crying full on... It broke my heart he had to see it.

    I guess I'll be judged by putting this out there, but I need to get it out.... I'm lost, on one hand I just want to wipe my hands of her, but on the other she & DS have an incredible bond.

  • #2
    i had to give my parents warnings to. lets hope thats all she needed and changes her tune.

    hope you explained to your partner what really happened

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    • #3
      No words of wisdom from me, just plenty of understanding. Very similar situation with my mum.....the last time I saw her was 9 years ago. It broke my daughters heart, but for myself it was the best thing I ever did.

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      • #4
        oh hun big hugs for you!! i dont really know what you are going through! but certainly no judgement here! i hope everything works out for the better for you!

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        • #5
          my mum is similar exept the opposite she thinks im not harsh enough and the i should dissapline them more and bribe them with taking toys off them ect... its sooo hard to get through to her I DONT WANT THAT FOR MY CHILDREN my mum was very strict and verry cruel when it came to dissapline that was her choice and the way i do things is mine!
          good luck with it all

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          • #6
            My MIL is similar to this. If Ds1 doesnt eat his dinner then i dont give him anything else. However, MIL will offer him everything under the sun. Also if i say no then she gives me a look, you know the one .

            Take some time out to relax and rest and see how things move along, hopefully she will realise that she id over stepping the mark.

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            • #7
              I'm so close to cutting contact with my mother already..and I haven't even given birth yet! Can so relate to feeling so frustrated with a mother who wants to control everything and live vicariously through you. Your mum had her chance to be a parent...she just has to make peace with the areas she failed in. I won't be letting my mother's view on parenting impact on my decisions for a minute, because she is and will be like Mum-of-3's mother - hard, cold, cruel and unloving.

              I guess the only other thing I would say is to start as you mean to continue...if you warn her that she will have limited or no contact with your son if she doesn't respect your wishes, then you should really follow through with it. Repeated warnings will only tell her that she can go on as before.

              I really hope that she comes to her senses at some point...it's heartbreaking to contemplate not allowing a child to see their grandparent. It's all down to her...

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              • #8
                My mum is like this but not as bad.. my MIL is kinda like it but no where near as bad as my mum.

                I remember when growing up mum would say no to something so I would run to my Nana and ask her.. every single time she would tell me 'I am just the Nana you have to ask your mum'

                But I think it took many arguments for it to be like that.


                I am sorry you are going through this..

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                • #9
                  No advice, just sounds like you need it. She sounds like a bit of a pita imo, hope she gets the message!

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                  • #10
                    Thanks ladies....

                    I am following through this time around, I just dont need the added stress. I feel bad as she needs me right now, as the house she is living in is on the market, and she is having troubles at work, and whatnot, but that's no excuse for her to continuing to do something I keep asking her not too...

                    The driving back and forth to Brissy each day is exhausting though... OMG.... She hasnt bothered to call or message me. I let DP/DF know what's going on, and he knows cos I'm constantly b!tching about what she does as it's so damn frustrating.

                    I just hope she realises too that she is out of line trying to be his mother, and making those comments about me as his mother, and disrespecting my WAY and rules of parenting him.... I'm 34 weeks, I dont want her to miss out on seeing her second grandchild, but if it has to be it has to be.....

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                    • #11
                      For her to carry on like that and get him involved in what was an adult "conversation" is wrong too. You had every right to say what you did and to get out of there and not go back. even if its only for a while. My parents know not to do this with me but sometime my SIL will try it (especially when we were living with her) and it would sh!t me to no end. My thinking was "she doesn't have kids, who does she think she is telling me how to raise my child".

                      I hope this is the wake up call you mum needs and she starts to respect you as a mother.

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                      • #12
                        I am so sorry your Mum treats you and your son this way.

                        May things only get better for your family now

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                        • #13
                          So DS has spoken to her, my mother twice since Tuesday, I have had to call HER for him to be able to talk to her, as it's too much effort for her to call him...

                          But she told him that she 'wishes she could see him, and it's mummys' fault that he cant see her, and she misses him so much and loves him the same, and she doesnt think that he should be bought in the middle of this, as it's not fair', so I said to her (had her on speaker phone), You can see him if you apologise to me...

                          To which she responded "I have nothing to apologise for sweetheart, and I'm not going to" (talking to DS), so I asked how can she claim to love him so much if she cant apologise to see him....

                          She doesnt have to apologise to me for claiming that I abuse my child (even though he never has and never will go through what her and my father done to me), she doesnt have to apologise for contradicting me and my punishments of DS and telling me what to do and not to do in front of him, she doesnt have to apologise for hugging him when I go mad at him to make out as though he doesnt deserve to be in trouble, she doesnt have to apologise for calling me a bad mother...

                          Shows how much I mean to her and he means to her...... I'm just totally shattered...... I always looked up to her, and had such gratitude for what she done for us growing up, and now this.....

                          I feel like I'm alone to face the world.... I never thought she would be the one to hurt me this way, and be this way!

                          She claims I should respect her as it was in her house, well she acts the same way when at MY house, and at the shops, and at other peoples house, she tries to take over MY role as his mother...

                          And to be honest he has been so much better behaved since not seeing her, and having her baby him when in trouble etc.. And make me out to be the bad guy....

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                          • #14
                            If your mum is going to undermine you when shes your son or speaks to him on the phone then you have every right to ask her to butt out.

                            I would write her a letter and explain how you feel.
                            I would say that when you undermine me (giving examples) you undermine my authority as a parent and damage my relationship with my child, and i just can't have that.

                            I would say that you love and appreciate everything she does for you, but she needs to respect you as a mother, if not then she just can't be in your llife.

                            I would also say that you do respect her in her house and everywhere, but you can't respect someone who purposely damages your relationship with your son.

                            I hope you get it sorted and don't let her manipulate you. Good luck.

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                            • #15
                              I would certainly be reconsidering these phone calls aswell. She is trying to manipulate him even through your supervised calls. I know it may sound cruel to your son, but you would not want your son to be forced into the middle like that by your mum.

                              It sounds like she is incredibly selfish.

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