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  • Mr 2

    Help needed so bad *cries*

    Myself and my partner live together and on days off we usually have his Mr2 and Miss6.

    Miss6 is an angel and god couldnt have gifted this family with a more well behaved child. Mr2 is still being nursed by his mother and theres no structure at home, therefore when he comes to stay with us he is usually beside himself.
    Lately he has been clinging to Miss6 ever so much, holding onto her and not letting go whilst crying and crying. We understand the situation he is in, and i sympathasise with him, but how do we stop him clinging onto his sister so much as it bothers her and stops her from enjoying herself.

    He also cries really bad to the point he is beside himself come bed time. We just cant settle him.
    We like to have alot of structure and healthy discipline in our house so its hard when its the opposite with their mother. Hes also moddycoddled at change over which makes that quite traumatic for him too.
    Any advice id appreciate.
    Thank you

  • #2
    he's a 2. hes still so little and still being breastfed. he misses his mum amd his sister is a constant in his life so only natural for him to cling to her. does he have to stay over or can he just do day visits for awhile longer?

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    • #3
      We want them to get used to being over and staying over, and really want to encourage that instead of sending him back home every time he gets too upset. Its a hard age i understand. But my partner wants that time with his children, which to me is more than fair. And he doesnt want to feel like a failure by sending him back when he gets upset.

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      • #4
        Also the nursing at home is sporadic i believe....

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        • #5
          Originally posted by PinkPopsicle View Post
          he's a 2. hes still so little and still being breastfed. he misses his mum amd his sister is a constant in his life so only natural for him to cling to her. does he have to stay over or can he just do day visits for awhile longer?
          This.
          2 is still so so little and while being breastfed, (which I assume is also comforts as well as milk, and security for him) he's going to be unsettled and hang on to his sister. She's familiar.

          I understand dad wants his time with them, but he's not failing at being a dad by meeting his 2yos emotional needs by supporting the connection with mum.... even if that means taking him home to her sometimes.

          Some things I'd suggest, could mum send ebm?
          Can you introduce a security item?

          ideally if he were my son, I wouldn't want him so upset and would be trying to drop back the visits until he was older and more secure. Maybe dad can have him for shorter visits more frequently? Until he feels better about being away from mum.

          For the drop offs, I would suggest what I used to tell parents at work (childcare).... and what I tell myself when I drop my kids at childcare... Establish a routine. Be quick. Don't hang around. Don't look back. They'll be ok. Call later if you need to check on them. Try and talk positively about it.

          My last child was 3.5 years old before he spent even a couple of hours away from me. He was breastfed until 3y8m and felt insecure without me there. He wouldn't even stay home with daddy while I ran to get bread or milk.

          But within a year, he'll happily sleep 3 or 4 nights at my mum's house. He was fine with my mum and partner while I was in hospital for 4 days.

          But it took time. He did it when he was ready. 2 is so little. Overnight is a long time for such a small child.
          Last edited by shadowangel0205; 29-08-2019, 20:53.

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          • #6
            Thank you so much.
            I guess i never thought about his emotional needs that way. At the moment its just nightly stay overs.
            In regards to drop offs i completely agree. Make it fun and exciting.

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            • #7
              I agree it's pretty normal for a 2 year old to be super clingy to their mum. Like PP's child, both of mine would be upset if I even ducked to the shops leaving them with DH at that age (tough stage for daycare drops!!).

              I understand that you and your partner have some parenting 'ideals' regarding routines and discipline. Pre-kids I had a lot of thoughts about the way I would/should do things too. But then these amazing creatures come into your life and you need to modify and adapt. Sometimes just to cope with them every unrelenting minute of the day, sometimes because it is what they need.

              I would be going softly, softly with him. Lots of fun, cuddles and sweetness. Don't ever mistake this for 'spoiling' a child, it's nurturing and it's what children need most. (I'm not saying you're not doing this, but you may need to take it up a level. I never realised how needy kids are until I had them, they're like the neediest boyfriend I ever dumped x1000! I don't cope well with needy, but I do for my kids. 😁)

              On a practical note, will he take a bottle? Most parenting books say you should have them on cups by 2yo but both mine still took a bottle at that age. They were capable of using a cup, but a bottle of milk just seemed to have some magical calming power. If not, I'd be looking for some other sort of comfort routine you could build in to visits, like cuddling one of those wheatbag soft toys or laying on a soft rug and making 'snow angels'. Something soft, calm and nice.

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              • #8
                He doesnt like cuddles unless hes really tired or actually wants one of us. Usually if hes ****ed off with one of us (mainly around bed time) he will want the other. Hes a very independant kid so unfortunately cuddles and affection are unwanted (towards us), so we dont push them onto him but the second he does i welcome it with so much love.

                Bottles he does have when he feels like it but only water, we dont feed him milk or formula.
                I try keep them away from TV around bed time as ours is huge and bright and im concerned for their little eyes and heads.
                We try and keep things fun and interesting... im just at a loss as to what to do to make him happy during those trying times apart from sending him back to mum.
                It breaks my partners heart too as hes trying really hard and i can see how much it saddens him.

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                • #9
                  .

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                  • #10
                    I'm just going to put this out there, and I know it'll come off pretty bluntly but it's my honest opinion so here goes ...

                    I think that two years old is way too young for this little boy to be away from his Mother for a full day, let alone overnight. The fact that he is still being breast fed (even if that is sporadic) makes it even more inappropriate. He has been taken away from the one main thing in his life that brings him comfort and frankly it is no wonder that he is clinging to his sister when he comes to visit.

                    I'm not sure if this is court ordered visitation of if it's an agreement that the parents have arrived at together but I would encourage all of you to act in the best interests of this little boy. Frequent visits for two or three hours would be so much more appropriate at this age and it makes me sad that at two years old he is being taken away from his home, his Mother, and the comfort of a familiar environment overnight and it's expected for him to be ok with that. He's just a baby!

                    This visitation arrangement might be suiting the parents involved but this isn't about you guys - it's about what is good for him. This post makes me very, very sad...

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                    • #11
                      Mr 2

                      He is obviously really distressed staying over night. He is still so little. Maybe Dad should consider seeing him more often but for less time until he gets more comfortable and not overnight until he is ready.

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                      • #12
                        Not much advise to give but I've seen the situation when my cousin separated from her partner. My niece is already 5 and she is fine to stay with her dad all day. He is a great dad, and an older sister who is 12 y/o is with her too each visit. But in bedtime she'll still look for her mum. Always distressed. She is independent too, i haven't seen her being too clingy, very behaved and is used to daycare since she was little. Anyway, they have tried sleepovers so many times but she is clearly very upset not seeing her mum at night the dad took her back to the mum's house everytime so she'll settle. I can't imagine how hard it is for a 2 y/o. Probably give it more time.
                        Last edited by joyjen; 30-08-2019, 07:31.

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                        • #13
                          For my DSS when he was a bit younger than this all his dads visits were at mums house. Mum would go out whilst dad was there. Allowed them to bond in a comfortable and familiar environment. Eventually mum would go stay elsewhere and dad would stay on her lounge.

                          DSS was 18 months when he had his first overnight with us at our place and we have never had any issues. I put that down to the fact that he was so comfortable with his dad because they had spent so much time together at mums. Husband and his ex split when DSS was only 3 months old. DSS is almost 8 now and we have 50/50.

                          Could you try something like that? Have your partner spend time with his kids at her place? It’s not fun, having your partner spend so much time with their ex, but it could really help.

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                          • #14
                            I can understand your partner wanting to spend time with his son, and I think it’s wonderful BUT it’s obviously not working for the son, at least not yet. 2 is still only very young, and any change in their environment can really distress them. Sorry to be blunt but this isn’t about your partner, it’s about his son and what’s best for him. And what’s best for him is right now, being with his mum in a familiar environment. Personally I would stop overnight visits until he is older, it sounds like he isn’t ready to be away from his mum that long. It doesn’t mean your partner can’t spend day times with him and still have a relationship. Sometimes we need to really look at the big picture and realise just because we want something to work, doesn’t mean it’s best for the child.

                            When my now husband and I separated when our oldest was a year old, he lived an hour and a half away. We agreed on him having her every second weekend- only because we trialled her spending a night with him first and she handled it. A few months in, he wanted 50/50 (week on week off). As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t agree to it. She was only 18 months old and while she absolutely loved going to her dads, it would mean a huge upheaval in her day to day life and I didn’t think it was in her best interest at that time. Had he lived closer and been able to maintain her usual routine, I would have had no hesitation. I know it killed him not being able to have her more frequently, and I did my best to let him see her as much as possible (if he happened to come into town or something), called him most nights so he could talk to her etc. While he hated me at the time for saying no, he admits now that he was being selfish and couldn’t imagine causing so much disruption to such a young child now.

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