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When you get Unfriended by best friend

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  • When you get Unfriended by best friend

    I can’t seem to shake off the awful feeling of being Unfriended on social media by a friend of more than 25 years. It happened months ago and we share the same small (5 of us) group of ‘old’ friends who have been getting together a few times a year. This group of friends and our catch ups has been incredibly important to me but now I am filled with total dread and escalating anxiety each time there is a group invitation to get together. I am coming to the conclusion I will have to stop going as I feel wiped out with anxiety at seeing my ex- friend and leave the catch up feeling ripped off at having being ignored/ curtly treated by her. My friends know the situation but because I chose not to make a big deal of my feelings (about being Unfriended for reasons I don’t know), and have tried to just rise above it, they are all trying to sweep it all under the rug and get on with things just as they were. I have tried taking the high road because why should I have to miss out seeing my friends because she chooses to be a digital version of a school bully and being so immature and mean-spirited.. But truth is I’m hurting way too much to keep seeing this person. I just want to accept she doesn’t want me in her life and to stop seeing her socially altogether so it’s off my radar completely and I can try to heal from this terrible feeling and move on. But then I lose my friendships with the others. I still have strong friendships to see the them one on one but it’s not really the same.. I am honestly feeling depressed by the whole thing and am surprised how rattled I have been but it I thought I was stronger than this but it has made me feel worthless (to be so flippantly tosses aside) I feel like I am at school being bullied/ frozen out and it is terrible. I don’t really want to be the drama queen telling my friends how i really feel. It will just open the floodgates to them trying to help but there’s nothing they can do. And then I look petty. I actually do not want to reconcile. I could never be friends with her again after what this has done to me. The trust has gone completely. I am reaching out to see if anyone has any similar stories and what you did to deal with it and move on. What should I do? I am desperate for some guidance! Thanks 🙏 mums x

  • #2
    You made a thread about this last year and it says this happened at least a couple of years ago.

    I think you need to see a counsellor or psychologist to help you move on if it is still bothering you after all this time.

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    • #3
      Do you know why she unfriended you? Have you spoken to her about it?
      Last edited by JustJaq; 29-04-2018, 07:06.

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      • #4
        I'd talk to her about it. It might give you closure

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        • #5
          I might need to... Because our catch ups are so few and far between it’s been manageable and to be honest I have avoided a few of them but then feel depressed I can’t join in. When there is nothing on the social calendar to anticipate I feel like I am moving on but then it starts all over again as soon as I have a catch up booked in.

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          • #6
            She’s not an open person and I’m not willing to drive that. I need to accept there will be no closure (discussion) on this one.

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            • #7
              I am pretty certain that the act of unfriending me is in fact her version of ‘closure’. She is a person who has a history of cutting friends off and moving on and is not a forgiving person. It is a character trait that I liked because I am the opposite, sensitive and soft. So I know that talking will result in her simply being hostile defiant and righteous make me feel horrible and will definitely not end in us being friends again. I need to accept that it has ended. The question is how to best move on considering I am prone to anxiety and depression.. I want to stay friends with my old group but not see her. It’s a conundrum!

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Bani D View Post
                I am pretty certain that the act of unfriending me is in fact her version of ‘closure’. She is a person who has a history of cutting friends off and moving on and is not a forgiving person. It is a character trait that I liked because I am the opposite, sensitive and soft. So I know that talking will result in her simply being hostile defiant and righteous make me feel horrible and will definitely not end in us being friends again. I need to accept that it has ended. The question is how to best move on considering I am prone to anxiety and depression.. I want to stay friends with my old group but not see her. It’s a conundrum!
                I think you need to see someone to help you get over it. Especially since so mich time has passed and it still is affecting you so much.

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                • #9
                  I think chatting to someone trained at managing anxiety issues would be very beneficial for you. They could give you tried and tested methods for coping with this, and how to move foward from this.

                  Before social media was invented, a close friend from school who i visited at least weekly, and would look after her kids for her whenever needed was talking about me behind my back to another via text and accidently sent one of them to me... then a second came through laughing about the fact she's sent such an awful text to me and "oh well", once again meant for someone else. Then an apology and "we should do coffee this week, ill call you".

                  It hurt. I had no intention of doing coffee with her after that. She never di df try contact me to organise it either. Which i knew would happen.

                  i just tried to occupy myself with other things, and moved on slowly. Its been many years since, we haven't seen eachother since, nor spoken. Still waiting for that coffee 😉...hahaha, NOT.

                  If i *think* about it now, i might have a moment of "oh yes... grrr" and move on. Life is too short, i don't like, and won't be treated like that. No one deserves that.

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                  • #10
                    Can you possibly ask your other friends help with this situation? Can they approach her as a go between and ask what is going on and explain how you feel. Surely this will benefit them too as they must be feeling the hostile environment. You can't keep going with this situation it will drive you crazy and you yourself need closure. If this situation can't resolve itself maybe you could organise next social occasion and kindly explain to your other friends you wont be inviting this friend.

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                    • #11
                      You need to confront her about it and ask why, neutrally, so you can have your closure too.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by shadowangel0205 View Post
                        I think chatting to someone trained at managing anxiety issues would be very beneficial for you. They could give you tried and tested methods for coping with this, and how to move foward from this.

                        Before social media was invented, a close friend from school who i visited at least weekly, and would look after her kids for her whenever needed was talking about me behind my back to another via text and accidently sent one of them to me... then a second came through laughing about the fact she's sent such an awful text to me and "oh well", once again meant for someone else. Then an apology and "we should do coffee this week, ill call you".

                        It hurt. I had no intention of doing coffee with her after that. She never di df try contact me to organise it either. Which i knew would happen.

                        i just tried to occupy myself with other things, and moved on slowly. Its been many years since, we haven't seen eachother since, nor spoken. Still waiting for that coffee 😉...hahaha, NOT.

                        If i *think* about it now, i might have a moment of "oh yes... grrr" and move on. Life is too short, i don't like, and won't be treated like that. No one deserves that.
                        That’s horrible! I think it’s always better to try to maintain your dignity and just try to move on. It still hurts though. Thank you for sharing your story, helps to hear from people who have been through similar

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                        • #13
                          I have thought about that approach but I really don’t want to be seen as the one creating all the drama.. I did ask one friend who said that she had simply said ‘i don’t really talk to her anymore’.. Another one said it was discussed amongst the others and they all felt awkward about it too and did t know what to do. They also knoe this particular person is a closed book and discussing it is not an easy option. Once she chooses to close the door and move on, that’s it and there’s no turning back. The more I think about it the more I am thinking I am going to have to just firmly tell my friends I love them but that I am too uncomfortable being in group catch ups when she is there. That because I feel extremely anxious and awkward I can’t be around her but I can see them individually.. it sux but what can I do, my hands are tied

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Bani D View Post
                            The more I think about it the more I am thinking I am going to have to just firmly tell my friends I love them but that I am too uncomfortable being in group catch ups when she is there. That because I feel extremely anxious and awkward I can’t be around her but I can see them individually.. it sux but what can I do, my hands are tied
                            I would think carefully before taking this approach. What outcome are you really hoping for?
                            If it’s even somehow with the slight hope that they will organise catch ups without this person, then I fear you’re going to be disappointed.
                            They’ve already indicated they know and it’s awkward, yet invitations still include both of you.
                            And, you’ve said you don’t want to cause drama, but this approach may make your other friends feel like you’re asking them to choose.

                            Honestly if the issue is between the two of you, I see you have a few choices:
                            1. Ask her outright what happened. You’ve probably still got her phone number or email. Explain that you understand if she’s chosen not to be friends anymore but you’d like the opportunity to understand and make amends if there’s something hurtful you’ve done.
                            If she ignores then you’ve tried, can hold your head up high and continue seeing this group however you like.

                            2. Ditch the group because you feel uncomfortable - although it seems that you’ll be the only one missing out here.

                            3. Do nothing. Continue attending group catch ups. Be friendly and polite without being friends with this person. A warm hello at the beginning, a goodbye at the end, respond if she speaks to you, but that’s it. It sounds like there’s enough of you that you can avoid sitting next to her. Be fabulous and faultless yourself.

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                            • #15
                              Thank you!

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