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Am I being unreasonable?

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  • Am I being unreasonable?

    Hey Ladies,

    I am 8 months pregnant and I don't know if I'm being all sensitive and irrational (hormonal) or what I'm feeling is justified.

    Basically, over most of my pregnancy and more so recently my DH has been claiming he is off for a walk (his excercise) and then stops in at the pub for a few beers 'on his own'. I don't like it as I'm worried it'll be a habit that will stick.

    I guess I have issues about this as he is a guy that loves to over induldge in drinking on the weekend and I'm worried this will fuel it. Also many years ago I worked partime at a pub and there were regulars that would pop in on their own (basically alcholoics) and hang out at the bar and top themselves up.

    My DH's father used to be a BIG drinker only to stop about 8 years ago due to the Dr saying his liver has suffered from over exerting himself with the drinking lifestyle. Maybe my DH is heading down the same path. - Don't get me wrong I love a drink, but in moderation!!! (Obviously not whilst I'm pregnant though!)

    I have to add here that about 1 month ago I went to bed on a Friday night and my DH sneaked out and went to the pub by himself and had an all nighter!!!!! I was furious!!! He claims that he is being a bit reckless now before the baby comes and he'll step up to the plate and be Mr. Responsibile then. I hope so! I'm worried though about this issue of 'going to the pub on his own' and really don't have a problem if he occasionally meets a mate for a few or on a Friday goes to the pub with a work collegue etc.

    What do you ladies think? Am I being too silly and controlling? My DH said this morning that he doesn't see anything wrong with popping in the pub on his own every now and then but I really want it to stop and if he feels like a few beers, just have them at home!!!!!

    Thanks for listening and I welcome your input.

  • #2
    Am I being too silly and controlling?

    No. I think your concerns are justified. I wouldn't put up with it, but I'm sorry I don't have any advice.

    Good luck.


    • #3
      Anything - it doesn't matter what it is - that one person in a relationship does that hurts/negatively affects the other person is problematic. What works for one couple won't work for another - so take out the comparison factor, you know? If *YOU* find it problematic, then it's problematic. Your feelings are real and valid.

      As for what you do about it? I don't know, TBH. Given you've already discussed it with your DH and told him that his behaviour is unacceptable to you - and he's refused to change his behaviour, making further and further excuses for himself, and upping the ante with sneaking around etc, it doesn't really leave you with many options. I'm always loathe to give the advice "Just leave him" - because it's NEVER that easy. But...I guess you have to consider where your boundaries lie, what you're willing to put up with from him - and take the action that you feel is appropriate from there.

      Perhaps seeing a counsellor to support you through a really difficult time, help validate your feelings/reactions, and to support you in coming to some decisions might be helpful? You can get a referral from your GP and your sessions with a psychologist would be heavily subsidised by Medicare, or the psychologist might even bulk bill you.

      Good luck


      • #4
        Unreasonable? no defintely not. The sneaking out and having an all nighter it sounds to me like first time dad jitters, and he's dealing with the anxiety by getting blotto! lots of us like to have a drink to relax say after work on a Friday night, but your dh may well have a pre disposition to alcoholism if his father was an alcoholic, and turning to alcohol to deal with anxiety isn't healthy for someone with that kind of family history, I know from experience. Maybe the two of you need to talk about how your feeling with the birth just around the corner. Dh and I are in the same boat, due on 30/7 good luck hon, you guys have been through a lot to get here congratulations


        • #5
          Thanks Ladies fo your responses!!

          DH & I had a big talk about everything and I feel alot better. We do have a wonderful relationship in evey other area communication, trust etc so I would NEVER consider leaving him over this drinking issue.

          He basically keeps reasuring me that he is just making the most of being a bit reckless and drinking more before the baby comes.

          The pub on his own thing he still thinks every now and then is okay considering he only has 1 or 2 up there. I would prefer he just has his beer at home so it doesn't turn into a habit but we'll work this one out after baby comes when I'm not all hormonal and can think more clearly.

          Until the baby comes, he has promissed to limit his drinking intake on every Friday and Saturday night to a max of 4 beers just in case baby makes a sudden appearance and I want him SOBER!!!

          I do still worry about his drinking becomming excessive in the future but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

          I'm mean how much is too much?? He dosen't drink at all during the week. Weekends turn into a bit of a binge though and I have a hungover hubby on Saturday & Sundays. I just wish he could sometimes just stop at 2 especially if it's just him and I home doing nothing, watching telly. He says it helps him relax as he has such a stressful job. (Architect)

          Hopefully he can have self control and stick to it!! We'll see over the next few weeks.......


          • #6
            helenmac, hi again. I'm a little bit concerned about the hangovers on Saturdays and Sundays... don't know if you saw Andrew Symonds on sixty minutes but they talked about his drinking and he claims he is " diagnosed" as a binge drinker. Sounds an awful lot like your dh. I don't mean to sound judgemental, I used to be a binge drinker years ago. Its all very well to say he'll stop when bub comes and he probably will initially, but after a while he may well go back to old habits. It would be much better if he could find other ways to relax especially as its something that bothers you and he doesn't seem to be respecting that. Good luck hon.


            • #7
              Hi helenmack, I have some alarm bells ringing here. I dont want to tell you what to do, but I would see if he is willing to go a full week without drinking. Not one visit to the pub, or one drink anywhere. If that will be too hard for him to even give it a try, then he already has a problem. No matter what you say or do , he has to admit he has a problem then you can take steps to get out of the habit. Why doesnt he take up tennis or some sport to get the 'relaxation' from his stressful job.? I would be very worried about the intention to stop once bub is here. See if he can stop before bub arrives, surely he is not thinking you will drive yourself to the hospital while you are in labour. Good luck with everything, Marie.


              • #8
                My DP behaved exactly like your DH when I was pregnant. He swore black and blue that once the boys arrived he would be at home with me to help me out. He had been a bit of a partier ever since I had met him, but I had hoped the pregnancy would slow him down. It didn't.

                Nearly every weekend, all throughout the pregnancy every Sunday morning around 4 or 5 am my phone would ring to come and pick him up from [insert bar name here] or whatever. In one instance whilst he was away at a car show he called me 8 months pregnant, in tears, telling me he had crashed his ute trying to impress his mates. He was drunk and hysterical, and demanded that at 3am I should drive over an hour to pick him up. In the end I gave in, got in the car and drove there. I couldn't find him once I got there, and he wouldn't answer his phone, so I had to drive all the way home again. I later found out he had passed out not long after I had left home.

                I am sorry to say that his behaviour did NOT improve once I had the boys; he would still go out every weekend and get drunk. I was furious to say the least.

                But good news prevails- he finally has slowed down. And do you know the one thing that did it? Not me asking, not his health, not even his baby boys- money. Since I am no longer working, his wage is for our everything, and we just cannot afford for him to behave like that any more. Thank god.

                I hope your DH sees sense a lot sooner than my DP did.


                • #9
                  Being a guy who enjoys a beer (have had a couple tonight at indoor cricket), I see no problem in having a few beers to wind down. I am not saying he's doing the right thing, and don't agree that sneaking out is the right thing to do. Here's my ideas:

                  1) offer to go with him - if he's walking to the pub, have a wander with him (although I know it'll be more of a waddle). More time together, and you get out of the house.

                  2) Tell him you're not happy with him sneaking out - if there's an emergency, you won't know where he is, and that could have disastrous consequences.

                  3) Distract him otherwise - movies, or other activities that you both like to do.

                  I could think of nothing worse than sneaking out on my wife - I feel guilty enough working, as well as playing cricket and leaving DW at home with DD by herself, but she says they're both happy.... If something went wrong and I couldn't get to them, I'd never forgive myself.

                  The big thing here for me is that I want both of us to be able to get out of the house, to gather our thoughts and take a breath of fresh air.



                  • #10
                    You've had alot of good advice already & I agree with everything.
                    I certainly wouldn't put up with it & I hope that he does settle down once bub arrives
                    I guess you don't know what's around the corner.
                    My DD was 8 weeks premmie (he is perfect in every way) due to severe pre-eclampsia (sudden onset). I was very sick but didn't know it!! My hubby was at work but imagine if I couldn't get a hold of him!!!! They told me if I hadn't taken myself to the hospital I may not have gotten through the night!!! Could he ever forgive himself if he wasn't there for you 100% nor could you forgive him???
                    Perhaps in time your would but you would never forget..
                    I think that worry/stress is bad for you & bub. This is a time you need to relax, get some sleep if you can & have some you time.
                    Is he still doing this????
                    Definately not unreasonable....


                    • #11
                      Thanks to you all for your responses.

                      I'm still pregnant - overdue by 2 days. Waiting for bubs to arrive.

                      After I approaced my DH about his reckless behaviour, we have finally turned a corner....! Over the last few weeks I have seen major change in him and I'm pleased to say he has stepped up to the plate and is more responsible now.

                      Okay he still enjoys a beer, (don't we all) but at least he is not sneaking out or going for a walk and just stopping in a the pub on his own anymore.

                      We buy cases of beer and stock them at home and he'll have 3-4 on a Fri & Sat night which I feel is reasonable (and cheaper!)

                      It seems my DH went through a slight rebellious phase due to his approaching fatherhood role. He assures me he will never go down that path again but just had to get it out of his system. He is sooooo looking forward to being a father and nothing will get in the way of his responsibilities and duties of a parent.

                      I'm so happy that things are back to normal. Thanks for listening guys and I'm now ready to have this baby!!!!!!!


                      • #12
                        Just stumbled accross this thread.. wonder if she's had bubs by now?? How exciting!