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How to brush off constant stupid comments from family.

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  • How to brush off constant stupid comments from family.

    I am after some ideas on how to be less sensitive. I’d really like to learn the ‘water off a ducks approach.

    I have recently found myself in counselling because MY MOTHER rubs me up the wrong way to the point where I was having nervous breakdowns a few days before she would visit or feel anger and frustration when she would ring on the phone. I would mostly not pick up and just ignore it thinking how much I HATE her.

    A few examples of things she says that really rub me up the wrong way are:

    After I gave birth: “if you had let me attend your birth then I would have assisted the Dr’s and you would not have torn so badly”

    When I got rear ended at a T intersection: “you should have had a ‘baby on board’ sticker, I’ve told you before but you never Listen to me”

    On my Birthday when I didn’t want to cook and gave 18 months old Raffety food pouch: “those food pouches you are giving him are terrible for the environment and think of all those chemicals you are putting into his little body”

    Telling her I had a bad 12 week scan and things don’t look good: “you need to stop being hysterical or your baby will be born hysterical with emotional problems”

    Coming over uninvited and unexpected when my house is messy: “don’t you want your house to look nice?, you look sad in the face I think you need to go on anti-depressants”

    The shaming, guilting, insults are never ending, she fires a new one every 2 minutes and they always come with certain tone of voice. She is like this with EVERYONE including strangers on the street. Everyone in my family really struggle with her. But for some reason I take it so personally and I get so fired up on the inside. I just want to brush it off.

    I’ve already set boundaries as to how often I will let her see us and how long she can stay I the house for (2-3hrs maximum) and I’ve established boundaries as to what kind of questions I will let her ask me and allowed myself to talk back and tell her she is wrong or being rude.
    So all of that is going well. But the anxiety and frustration I feel inside is not lifting and I really want to just stop caring and being affected by her words.

    Any advice?? Please.
    Last edited by babybloom; 21-09-2017, 12:57.

  • #2
    No real advice but I hear you. My mils the same. I moved 4000km to get away from them.

    Distance has certainly helped. Not seeing them often means I can tolerate more when I do see them.

    Are you able to avoid her for long periods of time? Can you go without seeing her for 2 months or so? Or is she always around?

    Are you able to tell her straight to be quiet? My mum is annoying sometimes but as I've gotten older I'm better at telling her that she's not always right.

    Hugs OP.


    • #3
      yes i have started to tell her these things and it has helped because i think she knows i am down to my last thread before i cut the cord. When i do see her i can hush her for a few mins but then she says something else.

      We have even looked at moving to another state to get away from her.

      I do only see her once ever 2 months or so ..... thank god

      just the though of her makes my blood boil.

      I want her to be insignificant to me so when she opens her mouth it doesn't move me what so ever.


      • #4
        That is certainly tricky and sounds a lot like my Mum although she's perhaps not quite as bad.
        Mine lives overseas so we don't see her very often which helps but when we do see her she stays with us so it's 24/7 for 2 weeks (she won't come for shorter periods).
        Do you think your Mum is aware she's being rude? Mine has no idea and I can never challenge her or talk back because she would get offended and say she's never coming again. She's very sensitive to comments but she can say whatever rude things she likes to me. I find the constant criticism very tough to take and I just try to completely ignore it.
        I think the answer is to either challenge her and ask her to stop or ignore her completely. Just remind yourself that most of what she says is her opinion only (or complete nonsense) and try not to take it on board.


        • #5
          My mum overstepped some boundaries when I first became a parent 10+ years ago. I got so fed up that I eventually had to tell her straight up that it was damaging our relationship and she was at risk of not seeing her grandchild much. Fortunately, she took that very seriously and basically snapped out of it and realised that she was out of line. It's like she suddenly realised that I was an adult now and I'm quite capable of raising a child.

          We get along great now and everything is really good. Other factors that have contributed to that are that both she and my DD have been diagnosed with cancer in the last 6 years (both in remission, thankfully!). It made her realise that there's no point sweating the small stuff and she knows she has a very important role in my life as my mum and she's a very much loved grandmother. She's learned her place, essentially.


          • #6
            I would start saying something like "that is not okay" every time she is rude. Count to 10 in your head and change the topic.

            Given she's this way with everyone, she obviously doesn't see that there's anything wrong, but it might make her think about it.


            • #7
              I would go one step further with [MENTION=103495]atomicmama[/MENTION] suggestion and say that is not okay, I'm your daughter and need support not criticism. If you say it enough times maybe she will listen, if she doesn't and you choose to cut her out well you've been clear in your feelings and she choose to ignore it


              • #8
                That sounds awful. I'm so sorry. A couple of things I thought of reading your post may or may not help.
                1. Realise you will not be supported by your mum. Accept that. You won't change her. And don't share things with her. You know you won't get the appropriate response. Share those things, including fears, with someone else if you can.
                2. When she offers an opinion that hasn't been asked for or comments on something like she has, "that's an interesting assumption" followed by a subject change usually does the trick. If she repeats "oh I heard you. I just didn't give what you said much credence" should stop it.
                3. If she turns up unannounced and you don't feel like a visit, tell her you were on your way out and will catch up another time. Or tell her it's not a good time. Or specifically ask her to text/call first. None of that is unreasonable.


                • #9
                  Take time out from your mum

                  Hi..i read your note. My parents do to me what your mum does to you.

                  Its not nice the way she is treating you.

                  I think she puts you down cause she is miserable and makes her feel better.

                  But you are letting her do this to you.

                  You need to set real boundries.

                  Dont let her visit for 1 year. Dont call or text tell her you want to do this for your sanity. I did this and it resets everything. You need to change the rules and standards you find acceptable to a happy life.

                  You will find your confidence come back and might not need her in your life. Sounds to me she needs you and you would be better off without her.

                  All the best.

                  Butterfly x


                  • #10
                    Google narcissistic personality disorder