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  • Feeling resentful

    Deleted for privacy - thanks to everyone who posted advice x
    Last edited by KitiK; 15-06-2016, 13:13.

  • #2
    Sounds pretty rough I would be insisting that he attends counselling with you, or you will be leaving. At the very least, get some counselling on your own x

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    • #3
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      Last edited by KitiK; 15-06-2016, 13:13.

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      • #4
        Sorry you're in such a crappy place OP xx

        How do the conversations with your DH on this topic usually go? Are they crystal clear with minimal chance of misunderstanding?

        What would your DH do if you stood your ground on things you wanted?

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        • #5
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          Last edited by KitiK; 15-06-2016, 13:13.

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          • #6
            I think the situation you find yourself in is probably a culmination of both your doing. him for being so pushy and inconsiderate as a partner and you for not being pushy enough. definitely sounds like you could both do with some counseling, either as a couple or separately. I think you need to learn to give yourself a voice and heal from the DV childhood you have stated is holding you back and causing behaviour patterns as an adult which no longer serve your higher needs.

            I guess the question now is, is it too little too late? has the resentment built up to a point of no return for the relationship? only you can answer that.

            you definitely deserve to be happy. good luck! xx

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            • #7
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              Last edited by KitiK; 15-06-2016, 13:14.

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              • #8
                Hugs. You're in a difficult spot.
                It sounds to me like he's decided that since you've caved on everything early on, he's just going to continue and there will be no ramifications for him. I feel like part of respecting your partner is at least trying to understand that what may seem small to you is big to them, and to try and help solve the problem - not make it worse. Your DH is choosing to be a man-child.

                Will he change? Can you get some counselling to sort through your thoughts and feelings in regards to your relationship? I also think that you'll find your parental issues, personal issues, and partner issues probably are quite interconnected.

                As an aside - my mum left my dad with 3 kids, no job and a fairly difficult financial position. Best thing she ever did for her and us. Our relationship and attachment wasn't damaged by the divorce. If you're just going to continue to be downtrodden and disrespected, and therefore unhappy, you aren't entirely stuck. You can choose your path.

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                • #9
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                  Last edited by KitiK; 15-06-2016, 13:14.

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                  • #10
                    I was in a similar situation where i felt that i had little say in big things and was watching our finances get worse, not better, and that many other things i wanted out of life just weren't being taken seriously. Having said that, i still didn't choose to leave, but he basically deserted the family and took more and more for himself. .I eventually couldn't stay as he was coming and going at will. So now I'm on my own with two year old twins, living on a single parent pension. I can say. ..i am sad about the marriage of course. BUT...i am so much more secure and settled and achieving goals day to day. I feel that i am better able to give our daughters the opportunities i want them to have and to set goals to achieve things financially as well as making use of our time. For me, the tight financial times will not be forever as i have a career i can restart and will in a while when we are settled. As time goes on, i realise more and more how much of myself had been compromised over the years and, while i could live with that, watching our girls' opportunities and security be compromised was when i really got brave to make changes. I couldn't have them be less than they could be by missed opportunities to experience things, have money to do things, have time dedicated without other problems taking precedence and energy from their parents. I hope that makes sense. I have to say. ..i am a huge believer in the commitment of marriage or as parents together. So i absolutely believe you do need to do all you can in the way of counseling etc before you put yourself or your kids through a separation. But i am seeing that our girls are getting a much better mum these days and a much better example of a woman who knows her worth, which is what i want them to grow to be.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by KitiK View Post
                      Thanks [MENTION=11337]Tinydancer[/MENTION]. My mum also left my dad when us 3 were early teens - I know we survived, but it wasnt ideal. She worked full time and had financially struggled since to the point us kids went without 'needs' a lot. I know she regrets a lot of things - particularly missing out on childhood milestones or important events bc she had to work to pay the bills, but I know she did the best she could and love her to bits. I have no respect for my father and don't have anything to do with him. In my early 20s I re established a relationship with him, but last year after a very strained decade decided I did not want him or his angst and negativity in my life. Should have been a red flag to DH.

                      I just don't want to be repeating the pattern iykwim. I have no doubt all of 'my issues' are interconnected, I just feel like DH takes 0 responsibility for the way he has behaved or its impact on our lives - mine in particular as no one else seems to be impacted!?
                      You already said that you and your children go without anyway because he is getting what he wants.

                      To me, a relationship is about compromise and sacrifice. He needs to learn he can't have what he wants at the drop of a hat.

                      I would find it hard to stay in a relationship with someone who thought they were more important than anyone else and knew that their kids were missing out because of his wants.

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                      • #12
                        Yes missing out - but not going without (ie: not able to participate in out of hours activities, but not going without necessities - food shelter). It makes the decision difficult because I do not want my kids to experience a similar childhood to mine (going without) and think maybe I just have to suck it up for a few more years....

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                        • #13
                          Why does he get depressed when you express how unhappy you are? Sounds like manipulation, whether he intends it to be or not. He's a father now, his kids should come first.

                          I agree with BRV, you are all already missing out. I'm close to someone that left their partner for similar reasons and she has told me that despite being on a lower income that she's actually better off as he's not spending the money all the time.

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                          • #14
                            hi kitiK, I wonder if you could find some self-help books in your library. I feel you need to work on your own self worth, and heal from your childhood, and then you will know what you need to do. You didn't find what you needed with counselling, perhaps reading about others expierences will be a better guide for you. People/ children can have everything they need in food and shelter and toys and clothes, but still be missing out on real love and acceptance, and self esteem. hugs, marie.

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                            • #15
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                              Last edited by KitiK; 15-06-2016, 13:20.

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