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Porn addicted husband and dad to be.

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  • Porn addicted husband and dad to be.

    I really need some help and advice. I'm 4 months pregnant and have been crying for days, I don't want this to harm my baby. I have only just discovered that my otherwise perfecthusband has had a secret internet pornography addiction for many years. We havebeen married for only a year and a half. Wehave been together for about 4 1/2 years.
    The addiction is significantly bad, I accidently stumbledacrross a few sites he had been looking at, so I downloaded our internethistory and discovered he looks at porn every single opportunity he has,including up to 1am when I go to bed before him, he gets up before me andstarts looking at about 5am, he comes home from work at lunch and watches forabout an hour, again when he gets home from work and so on into the night. He evendoes it while I'm at home, if i happen to walk out of the room. I went away for4 days recently for work and he was on there almost 24hrs a day the whole time.
    I am in complete shock over this as I had no idea this washappening and it is so unexpected for his personality, he usually has such highmorals, and is so caring and honest. He isn't very highly sexed, he isdisgusted at strip clubs, would never consider visiting a prostitute.
    We have an extremely strong, close, loving and caringrelationship, we are very intimate even in a non sexual way, with lots ofcuddling, touching, kissing, we sleep tangled up so tightly together all night.We make love on most days and he enjoys it, it is a very loving act, it's notkinky, but still very good, he says he loves our sex life. He has never triedor suggested anything more exciting or adventurous, and honestly I don't thinkhe wants that.
    The funny thing is in all these years he has only everwatched one style of porn on one website, its not really hard core porn. Itswhere they pretend to approach strangers in the street and pay them to stripand end up having sex with them publicly. He has never looked at anything moredisturbing than this, and the internet history confirms this. He wont watchanything too sleazy like anal, or lesbians, its just normal male and femaleand the girls are not even young or very hot on that site. He says he nevermasturbates over it except a few times while I was away for work, he is usuallyvery honest and I believe him. He would never look at a porn magazine, or payto use it.
    He has a very addictive personality in some areas, hedoesn't play computer games because he knows he can't stop, he has never had afacebook account for the same reason.
    I approached him about this as soon as I found out and haveexplained I'm upset because I feel like I don't know him, that he was living asecret life, that took up such a massive part of his life that he never told meabout. I feel decieved and cheated. He has been so good about it, and haspromised to never look at it again. I have locked both computers in the houseand he is fine with that. He doesnt have a computer at work or an iphone so I'mconfident it won't be very easy for himto find a way to access porn. He is so ashamed, he has told no one about thisproblem ever, not even his best mates.
    I have asked him to move out of the house for a while, butI'm so confused I don't know if I'm over or under reacting.
    He is heartbroken and is willing to go to counselling and doanything it takes to make our relationship work. Does anyone know how badthese addictions usually are? If he needs to see a counselor or is it possiblefor him to just stop on his own? Should we see a therapist together or is thissomething he needs to do on his own in privacy? Has anyone else been through this same thing?
    Thanks for reading, sorry its so long.

  • #2
    Huge hugs to you. I have some advice but would like to pm you but seems like I can't. Can you pm me and I'll reply?

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    • #3
      Hugs, it's a huge thing to discover.
      I think it's great your husband has said it's a problem and is willing to seek help. He seems to genuinely want to repair the relationship and counselling would be beneficial, both as a couple and separately.

      I can't honestly say ifI think him not being there is good or not. That's up to you and him.

      Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy. I hope you and your husband can move forward together

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      • #4
        If your husband is addicted, it's unlikely he we will be able to truly stop on his own. Banning it may not work if he doesnt have the capacity to deal with the urge. I suggest he tries therapy (probably on his own unless the therapist requests your attendance). He may just need to channel his energy into something else during his spare time.

        Whilst it sounds like he has spent an incredible amount of time looking at it, you should take comfort in the fact that what he isnt looking at isn't too obscene/demoralising. That's best case scenario IMHO.

        It sounds like your relationship is very strong and I believe it will survive. Best of luck.

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        • #5
          For what you have said he is looking at it sounds like he has a fantasy that he is unable or unwilling to act out.

          I know it hurst to find out he has been doing this behind your back I have been there myself, the fact that he came clean when you asked him is a good thing IMO.

          He is willing to get help and do what you are asking of him I believe the two of you can overcome this

          Hugs and good luck

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          • #6
            Some of the information and advise from The Anti Porn Men Project may help

            good luck.

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            • #7
              My DH has this problem too and I was totally devastated when I found out. It was like he had a double life and it was the secretiveness and deception that I struggled with the most. It was like I didn't know him at all.

              He went to see a psychologist, and be warned some of them won't see it as a problem. One male psych told him it was normal and not to worry - even though like your DH he was doing it every spare minute like it was his only hobby, and wasn't getting enough sleep because of it, hiding it, the works! He finally found a great female psychologist who was very good.

              He goes through phases now where he'll stay away from it, and phases where he back slides, normally triggered by something difficult happening in his life. I always know when he's doing it again because he won't go to bed with me, and is up early, and blushes and closes windows when I walk into the room and gets emotionally distant. When he stays away from it he's more loving, and affectionate and plugged in to life. Pron makes him act detached and puts a wall up between us.

              And to people who'll inevitably say its my fault - I didn't have a problem with pron before this. He didn't hide it because I hated it. I only started hating pron after discovering the extent of his addiction and what it's done to our relationship. And we used to have s.ex every night. So it wasn't lack of action. Quite the opposite - the more he gets into the pron, the less he wants actual s.ex....

              Anyway, I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. It's a challenging issue for relationships, and it's a difficult addiction to break because of the ease of access, and the prevalence of it, and the endorphin pay off it gives the user. It is possible with work to save your relationship, though I don't think I'll ever trust him 100% again. It's the one thing in his life that he'll consistently lie about.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Sparklydreamer View Post
                And to people who'll inevitably say its my fault -
                There is no way its your fault, nor the OP's. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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                • #9
                  Wow thank you so much for replying ladies, it means the world to me, I think part of the reason it's so difficult to deal with is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, so reading these replies are very meaningful.
                  Sparkly Dreamer, I'm exactly the same way, I have never had a problem with porn either, so I'm not sure why he felt he needed to live this secret life and hide it from me, I think he felt ashamed. I too feel like he has been living a double life and that is what is so hard, it makes our marriage seem like a total sham, that our wedding vows were lies.
                  I'm starting to get my head around around the actual porn a bit more and I am taking comfort in the fact that although he has been watching it for years the content didn't increase to anything too obscene. He says he only watches that one site because in the beginning he thought the storyline was real, they were real women in the street who actually got talked into having sex, and because of this he didn't see it as actual porn. That sounds pretty stupid so I'm not sure if I believe it!
                  The thing that is most concerning and hurtful to me is the double life, and the deception in a marriage that I always believed to be so real and honest. I don't know what's real anymore and I can't get my head around the fact that he could do this for so many years without feeling guilty until I found out. I'm not sure if I can ever trust him again, or have intimate sex with him again. I still feel like I love him so much, but is the person I'm in love with real?
                  Ivy Rain I'm not sure why you can't PM me, I've never used this site before, I was just so desperate to talk to someone about this subject! But I can see how this site can be amazingly helpful so I might stick around. I'll try to PM you now.
                  Thanks for all your help ladies and good luck with your pregnancies xx

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                  • #10
                    Hi, naturelover, once you have made at least 5 posts in the forum you will be able to send and receive/use the pm system.

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                    • #11
                      Make more posts so I can pm you haha I've had a similar experience and would like to share what happened, just don't want to put it out there in the public forum you can email me if you want - ivyrainsa [at] gmail.com (obviously use the proper @ symbol)

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                      • #12
                        Well this will be my third post.

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                        • #13
                          This will be my third post.

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                          • #14
                            This should be the fifth, I hope it counts if it's in the same thread!
                            Thanks IvyRain, look forward to hearing from you. Any help at this stage is a blessing, and just someone to talk to is so much better than keeping it bottled up x

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                            • #15
                              I would not try to stop him from doing it becuase that could end badly.
                              My advice may or may not be helpful.
                              I would let him know that you know, tell him that you personaly think he is watching it too much and that as you are pregnant you are scared about the futute.

                              I would sit down with him and try to work out a plan. How much porn can he watch while baby is young, how much can he watch when child becomes older, what measures will he take to make sure child is never exposed or that child misses out on dad time becuase dad is too busy with his porn.

                              My hubby is an alcoholic (not the same I know) but we sat down and discussed some rules about his drinking, I never tried to stop him from doing it but we hade a deal. He would not drink for the first 2 weeks of babies life as I needed his full attention 24/7. He would not drink every weekend unless it was a party etc. and he would always tell me that he was going to drink wether I likes it or not. Honestly is the first step then working out a plan that you are both happy with. I really would not say it's 'all or nothing' top him becuae thats not accepting him for who he is.

                              sorry, maybe this is the wrong advice.

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