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Alcoholisim and husband

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  • Alcoholisim and husband

    Im a regular member undercover.

    Im really worried about my husband and his alcohol use.

    He gets very defensive if i mention it to him and he doesnt think he has a problem as he doesnt get drunk. He never drinks enough in one sitting to get drunk.

    But ive researched it and those at risk include men who drink more than 15 standard drinks a week. I looked up what that was as he drinks either wine or beer and yesterday alone he had 5 standard drinks. A guess from the past week id say hes had at least 30+ standard drinks.

    He drinks almost everyday, at least 4 days a week of late and i feel like im constantly going to the bottleo to get more. Its such a waste of money. He is constantly taking money out of our bill acc to pay back the next pay to get drink.

    He drinks at other times but also to deal with stress in dealing with his mother and everyday stress. Thats what concerns me the most. That he uses it to cope with problems. If he is upset about something its urgent i get him a drink. Its the first thing he wants. He then shuts himself in the study and plays video games abd drinks. He is only 26 and we have a toddler.

    Any advice please help? I have no idea what to do

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    Last edited by concernedwife; 17-01-2013, 11:47.

  • #2
    Alcoholisim and husband

    No advice but I am in the same position exactly except mine is drinking much more then that (till drunk) and we have 2 children and another on the way. I am seriously over it. He won't discuss it but its effecting us all greatly. I don't drink and I grew up with family who don't drink which is totally opposite to him (both grandfathers were alcoholics, both died very young) I honestly don't know what to do. I'm starting to think my only option is to leave as I don't want the kids growing up thinking the behaviour is normal. I love him but I don't want to jeopardise my children's life. I feel I will have to break the cycle (it seems to be a generation thing in dh's family) its really hard Hun, I sympathise greatly.


    • #3
      Alcoholisim and husband

      This happened to me a few years ago. He was drinking more than I could afford to mask his unhappiness with his life. I left him and took our toddler. He then got help for his addictions and I hear he's healthy now


      • #4
        Alcoholisim and husband

        From my experience (an ex) they will only change when they are ready to.

        Sounds like counselling is what he needs to over come this and stop using alcohol to fix problems.

        I'm not sure how you could encourage counselling, but maybe you could speak to your gp or someone in that field and see if they can send you on the right path to helping him.


        • #5
          Re: Alcoholisim and husband

          I agree, he will only accept help when he admits he has a problem.

          I'm not really sure what you can do ? Maybe attend aa or counselling without him ?

          My xh was (is) an alcoholic. He would drink at the very minimum 1/2 a case of beer every week night and more in the weekends.

          I finally had enough and gave him an ultimatum, quit drinking and get help or I'm leaving.

          He moved out the next day.

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          • #6
            Re: Alcoholisim and husband

            Look up al anon groups in your area. It is a support group for people who are concerned about a loved one's drinking. Take it from there.

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            • #7
              Subbing. My DP the same he'll down a 6 pack and quarter bottle of whiskey a night. He spends in the excess of $600+ a month on alcohol. But he still claims he doesn't have a problem.
              These are things I've tried so far. He has a set budget just for himself that includes car rego, his bike rego, his food for work and other bills that are purely his. And it also covers alcohol. But he blows most on alcohol and starves at work.
              Been to a GP she gave him a drinking diary. He wasn't able to go over 3 standard drinks a night. He had to write the setting he was in each time and the date and time of the drink. This helped him until he stopped seeing the gp and I stopped annoying him about it.
              He takes from our savings and my acc. to purchase alcohol. Leaves work early heads to the pub for drinks sometimes (even in his lunch break).
              So I am definitely after some advice as well.


              • #8
                Alcoholisim and husband

                I have no advice. My ex used to drink at least six beers a night, every night, and often more. It was a very contentious topic and he was very defensive about it.

                I hope some other hubbers can offer advice


                • #9
                  Alcoholisim and husband

                  What we have tried:

                  Intervention with concerned family and friends.
                  Budget on what he can spend
                  Stop drinking for a month (ends up drinking triple when the month is up)
                  Saw a psychologist who specialised in alcohol. The guy told him what he didn't want to hear so he didn't go with the professionals advice.
                  Talked to gp
                  Had blood tests which came back showing his liver count was scarily high but he has put off getting retested for the last 6 months (can see it won't happen)

                  Something I want him to try is hypnotism as I heard a few sessions really help but of course they have to be willing to try things which means me accepting they have a problem and I hear and read that's very rare.

                  My dh actually took our 4 year old son. To the local country pub the other day. They sat at the pub counter and he drank beer while ds drank coke (never ever have I allowed him to drink coke) and they played pool. When I found out about this I was so furious. He still doesn't get how wrong it is. I'm at breaking point with it. It's damaging our relationship beyond repair and as much as I love him I am completely over it and his lack of consideration towards the damage its doing. I am still seeing red that he took our son to the pub (our child who I envision can achieve great things in his life) I don't want to dumb my child down, I don't want him to be any part of that culture. So it's made me do a lot of thinking.

                  I refuse to leave my kids over night with him and go to something in fear of him drinking, something happening and him not being responsive (he is often like this) so if (rather when) we split I can see it becoming nasty because I refuse for him to have our children alone until he proves he is getting help. I hate that that's something I will have to do, but I have for far to long tried to make him see the importance of getting help for the sake of his family.

                  I actually do believe that it has to be solely up to them to change which in most cases never happens.

                  Anyway rant over from me. Just in the middle of it myself and so hurt by it tbh.

                  I only wish you more luck as the more I talk to people and seek professional help the more I realise that he is likely to never accept that he has a problem and never get help for it. Very very sad addiction.


                  • #10
                    My heart goes out to you all.

                    It must be horrible to not only have to watch someone you love hurting themselves, but be forced to make difficult decisions as a result.

                    I have no advice I'm sorry, but I hope things turn around soon for you.


                    • #11
                      def speak with al anon...and go along to some meetings and get some support and advice and 1st had accounts on how people have dealt with it.

                      Sometimes it takes drastic action to make them see the MIL is an alcoholic and it took me kicking her out on christmas day for showing up smashed and refusing to let her anywhere near the kids until she sobered up. It took about 8 months after the massive blow up for her to be ready to stop...but now, 2 years on she is still doing well and we have gradually let her back in to our lives. She did SOOOO much damage to my DH over the years...infact, the first time he ever saw her sober was about 2 years ago. His whole childhood she was drunk...came to school with a hipflask for sports days etc...lost her licence for drink driving...the verbal and physical abuse he suffered still effects him everyday.

                      Al anon helped him so him in touch with a local support group for adult children of alcoholics that he still goes to monthly.

                      There is lots of support...i really urge you to seek some as it can change your lives for the better


                      • #12
                        I haven't got any advice. My 2 brothers are both alcoholics. One died from it a few years ago. Both lost their marriages to it. Nothing their partners did mattered as much as drinking. It is so hard to comprehend why they let it get so bad, and there isn't a heck of a lot you can do unless the person acknowledges the problem and wants to fix it. My parents tried applications to court, having them forcibly admitted to hospital. Nothing worked.

                        I'm really sorry to hear this is happening to anyone going through this. It's horrible.


                        • #13
                          Alcoholisim and husband

                          I am the daughter of an alcoholic father and I know first hand how you feel an ld the damage it can do to a family, so hugs for you. I have 2 pieces of advice for you.

                          The first is that there isn't much you can do :-( you can try all the things you already have tried but untill he reaches rock bottom and faces his addition he can't change. It tragic and sad and awful. The only thing you can do is look after yourself and your kids and try and get help for YOU.

                          The second thing is something a PP said. Go to your local alanon meeting. They support families and friends of those who have addictions and are fantastic. They don't judge as to whether or not you stay with the addict and can provide help and advice on how to deal with them and strategies to cope.

                          It is such an awful thing to watch someone you love do this to themselves :-(


                          • #14

                            That must be very difficult. I have often thought that given the wrong mix of circumstances dh would be capable of an alcohol addiction. As it is, he rarely actually drinks (maybe every couple of months he will have a few), but several years ago in the midst of severe PTSD his drinking was very severe. He also has an anxiety disorder and found that drinking was a temporary fix to that. He saw a psychologist about the PTSD for about 9 months and a side effect of that was he no longer drinks. Even in social situations he will more often opt to be the designated driver than have a few drinks.

                            I also think in addition to seeing the psychologist, part of it was also just maturing in general. He used to be a childless early 20s kid. Now he is 27 with a family and priorities that do not involve alcohol. He still has an anxiety disorder, but he has learned other techniques to manage it.

                            Dh's dad was a horrible, violent alcoholic for the first 20 years of dh's life, and I think this was a huge motivation for dh to change. Especially when we had a child of our own. I have to say though- that this change most was most certainly not bought about by me. I had always encouraged him, but it was only when he saw the importance of it and believed change needed to happen that he sought help and made the effort.


                            • #15
                              hi, I know the best support for anyone dealing with alcoholics is from Al-anon. They will really be the most helpful, and give you ideas for dealing with the problem. Anyone in a realtionship with an alcoholic, or drug addict, or gambler, you are in a three way relationship, with the addiction taking first place. It has been proven time and again, that the addict has to hit rock bottom before they will admit there is a problem, and then perhaps they will seek help. "Rock bottom" can be different for each one, and it makes no difference how many lives they might be affecting, how much you love them, or what their family history might be. Contact your local lifeline or salvos or if you can get in contact with al-anon, you will need help and support. Remember this addiction is bigger than your partner, stronger than anything you have ever dealt with, and noone can beat it on their own. Hugs, Marie.