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Did your parents relationship affect you in your adult life?

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  • Did your parents relationship affect you in your adult life?

    Did your parents relationship with each other - whether good, bad or non existent - affect you and your relationship with the opposite sex? Even down to how to behave on a day to day basis?

    My parents had a troubled marriage and my dad ended up running off to 'have more fun' with his then secretary . Apparently he wasn't having enough fun with my mum, my sister and me so he moved out when I was 11 .

    We're all ok now and I have a good relationship with both Mum and Dad, but I never saw my parents be affectionate with each other. So my two biggest role models weren't that great and I do think it has affected how I behave in relationships.

    Does anyone else find this to be the case? I know it is up to me to change, but some things are so ingrained as part of who I am that it is such an uphill battle. But I am such an optimist and do believe that I can change in time

  • #2
    I think my parent's relationship affected my own. They still have a great relationship and I hope that mine will be like theirs 30 years down the track.

    They are my inspiration when DH and I go through troubled times. I think to myself - "What would my parents do in this situation" and try and persist and stick together and talk through the problems.

    My dad still holds my mum's hand when they cross the road. I think that's sooo sweet. Valentine

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    • #3
      Yep my parents were never affectionate with each other or us! So i feel like dp is smothering me when he cuddles and is really clingy. I hate being like it but i think it comes down to not being brought up around affectionate people.

      I have also made a really big effort to be affectionate with my kids cause i don't want them to be the same.

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      • #4
        My parents have been bickering for the past 15 years and they have both held the kids right in front of it..

        Yes it has affected me in my older age and No it wasnt a good affect.

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        • #5
          My parents were pretty happy, but I observed things that I thought I would and wouldn't do in a relationship.

          I guess the thing to remember is that we are all only human and make mistakes, we will do stuff our own kids will swear they will never do - in parenting and relationship roles. I think we can often be harshest on those we love.

          I also think your partners role models he's had are important (mine had great role models on communication and affection) so I think they are important things to discuss with someone you are getting to know

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          • #6
            Originally posted by LibbyG View Post
            Did your parents relationship with each other - whether good, bad or non existent - affect you and your relationship with the opposite sex? Even down to how to behave on a day to day basis?

            My parents had a troubled marriage and my dad ended up running off to 'have more fun' with his then secretary . Apparently he wasn't having enough fun with my mum, my sister and me so he moved out when I was 11 .

            We're all ok now and I have a good relationship with both Mum and Dad, but I never saw my parents be affectionate with each other. So my two biggest role models weren't that great and I do think it has affected how I behave in relationships.

            Does anyone else find this to be the case? I know it is up to me to change, but some things are so ingrained as part of who I am that it is such an uphill battle. But I am such an optimist and do believe that I can change in time
            Yep.
            My story is along the same line as yours...but a few others things...also affected me. My dad ended up living overseas from when I was about 9 to 23 years too. I am too on really good terms with both parents. However I find it really hard to trust, even though I want to I end up being a little paranoid. Lucky for me, I have now been with my partner for a long time now (13 yrs in January) and he has given me no reason not to trust him, so it's not as bad these days...however I used to be very jealous/ paranoid!

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            • #7
              My parents relationship was not the best either.

              But I chose to not let it affect me. i write down all the things they did, that i wont do.

              And it breaks a pattern. If you keep the pattern going then you are role modelling it for Your children...

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              • #8
                I think in some ways it did. I am basing this on my dad and step mothers relationship though because my mum and dad got divorced when I was young and then a few years later my mum passed away. All I remember of my dad and step mother is that they argued and fought over anything and everything.

                My mum and dad's relationship (what I can remember) is that they had alot of friends and a great social life.

                I try really hard to be like mum and dad.

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                • #9
                  I saw some things in my mum and dads relationship that I would do and others I would not do.

                  Dh and I have come from very different families and we have vowed to make it right the best way we can with our children. At the end of the day we will do all we can to stick together especially for our kids. He never had a dad growing up and I don't want my boys not having a dad. I admire my Dh cause he does the best he can under the circumstances and every now and then I have to pull him up, he seems to favour one over the other that's what happened to him growing up.
                  I love mum and dad and after all they've been through they are still together and I admire that (31 yrs). They have done their best under their circumstances.

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                  • #10
                    My parents had an awfull married life. I remember wishing often that they would just devorce eachother.
                    My father was a very vilent (?) drunkard and my mother is not very bright.

                    It has not affected life for me and dh. We act nothing like my parents. Thank god.

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                    • #11
                      I think we are all products of our environment, and as much as we might try not to be, there are always things we find ourselves saying and doing that make us stop and realise, "That sounds just like my mum/dad."

                      My Parents had a great relationship (AFAIK) I never once heard them raise their voices at each other. According to my mum, "We discussed things". Which is nice and sounds wonderful, but it has made me very paranoid about 'arguing' in front of our kids. To a point where I neglect my own emotions so the kids don't see us angry at each other. Then it gets bottled up.. which is never a good cycle to get on.

                      My dad wasn't entirely affectionate with us. We had cuddles and stuff, but it as always initiated by us, never him. Now, I am like that with my partner. He almost always initiates affection with me. Always says 'I love you' first.. as I say to him, "I told you 'I love you' once, if anything changes I'll let you know."
                      Though I am trying to break the pattern with my kids and am probably being overly affectionate with them.. but that's their habit to break

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                      • #12
                        I think it did a bit - they argued alot when I was a teenager and I have sworn not to become like my mum (she has alcoholism) and push my DH away like she does with my dad.

                        They are still together and alot better than the used to be - but it does make me wary..

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                        • #13
                          I think that my parents realationship has affected me in a good way.

                          I know now that I will never settle for someone who is abusive, financially mentally or physically. I also know that I don't want to end up like my mum she lost a great business because my dad was intimidated now she is only just now studying so she can have a career so that she can survive and bring up my brother without struggling.

                          I never want to be in a realationship like my parents and no matter what will never settle for anything remotely like that I have seen how hard it was for mum.

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                          • #14
                            Yep sure did!

                            They taught me everything NOT to do

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Roopee View Post
                              Yep sure did!

                              They taught me everything NOT to do

                              Gees you said everything I was trying to say in ALOT less words lol!

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