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New section - fertility disappointments

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  • New section - fertility disappointments

    We've created this new area where you can get support for fertility disappointments. You can share your feelings openly and rant as much as you want.

    These are some of the things that members said they wanted a section for:
    • People to write their stories (no-one wants to know IVF isn’t 100% but it is very hard to find stories of moving on out there)
    • Miscarriage through IVF - I know there is a pregnancy loss section, however when you have a miscarriage through IVF, there may not be any tomorrows. That may have been the last embryo and no funds to go again. Sometimes there is no “try again next month”
    • Maybe a rant area. It is nice to be able to get something of your chest but you don’t want to come back and be told “At least/ you should be grateful / That’s nothing compared to”

  • #2
    [MENTION=151560]Holmax[/MENTION] I understand your feelings, as I have some similar ones. I often think about my future and it's not a happy thought. It's a crappy ride and some people can never understand how hard it is...


    • #3
      I hope you don't mind me commenting. I'm sorry it's such a battle you're waging [MENTION=151560]Holmax[/MENTION], it really is sh*t. That's a pointless observation but the alternative was to say nothing. Have any of the FSs you've seen offered anything resembling an explanation for why nothing has worked so far?


      • #4
        Originally posted by Holmax
        Thanks hun. We did look at adoption too. It is quite hard as well. There is a lot of stages steps and quite a wait list and you have to be completely done with IVF yourself first to start the process.
        The one thing that put me off adoption was that in QLD tge0y are open adoption (usually)meaning the childs natural parents still get access and a say to raising the child. For me and my DH as well that just didn't sit well. So we raise the child and bring it up and pay for everything but they can roll on in when ever they like and have a say.
        I think you have to be completely willing to accept all aspects of it if you do proceed with it which we weren't. So we made the decision not to proceed down that path. It didn't suit us but it might suit you if you decide to look into it later on. I got send a heap of informationon it when I was looking into it, it is very interesting to read.
        We also looked at international adoption which could be something we might consider later on but once again not easy as each countty had different guidelines.
        We are still only 37 so even after 7 years I am still willing to try a few more times with surrogacy first.
        Adoption is hard, takes a very long time and is hardest for people who have been having fertility treatment, as you said. Somewhat stupid to make the hurdles for those people even higher if you ask me. My situation is different to yours, but I can hand on my heart say that if I knew three years ago what we'd go through I would never have tried, would have gone straight to the adoption process.
        Obviously you're all over this, but can I ask if you've tried surrogacy with donor egg AND donor sperm, or if you would, to give the best possible chance?


        • #5
          Originally posted by Holmax
          Thanks for the thread Mods. I have a bit of a rant that most don't agree with but I will post it on here rather than IVF threads. I am nudging 40 and I have spent 7 years TTC. 4 of those years were filled with IVF cycles. Initially diagnosed with MFI, I assumed that was generally not a big fertility issue. How wrong I was!!! I have tried ICSI with my own eggs. ICSI with my eggs and donor sperm. Donor embryos with donor eggs and sperm and am now onto surrogacy with donor eggs. Surrogacy has failed twice and my own uterine cycles failed 10 times not adding in the 6 or so canceled cycles I had. I have tried 4 diferent clinics now. I remain childless. So when I comment on a thread and tell IVFers who have had a child or two but are struggling to get a sibling to be grateful and embrace their babies/ children I get several narky replies saying how hard it is having only the one or two children. I am not saying it to be unsympathetic to your plights I am saying it because I would give the world to be in your position. There is no comparison to been childless and having a child. One day even if your only child stays an only child you might, you probably will get lucky enough to have grandchildren. Been childles means no children which means no grandchildren, it means no great grand children. I often stress that I will die alone. Who do you leave your things too if you have no children or grandchildren to leave them too? And life is lonely. I have no friends. I have cut them all off. We have nothing in common. Nothing. Because I am childles I can't relate to them anymore. Quite simply I got left behind. So there it is. I know I don't understand secondary infertility I wish I fu@king did. I would swap any of you in a heart beat.
          Im really sorry to hear about your situation. I have known people that struggle are generally the nicest people, willing to do anything go all the way, even though the trauma that is attached to these situations.
          Could fostering be an option?


          • #6
            New section - fertility disappointments

            [MENTION=151560]Holmax[/MENTION] I completely understand how you feel. We were trying for a baby for fours years before we tried ivf. We did 3 transfers and managed to fall pregnant which I am so thankful for. I remember thinking even up to Henry being born how I viewed my life without a child. I didn't know how I could live like that. I am not sure I could have coped not falling pregnant at all. I felt it meant my life was meaningless. Of course it could have been awesome without a child but I didn't want that. I do read some of the similar posts to the one you mentioned and think how ungrateful some people are. I guess it's all relative to their situations. Those who've never struggled don't think about others who have.


            • #7
              It is just so very unfair [MENTION=151560]Holmax[/MENTION]. I have no doubt that you deserve a baby in your arms. It breaks my heart that some have to struggle so much and it is just so unfair that there are women who want to a child more than anything that are childless. Please don’t be hard on yourself, hearing of other people’s BFP’s is really tough so just do what you need to to protect your heart. It can be hard to celebrate for others. For me, it’s like someone has won tattslotto and we are all supposed to buy them gifts, tell them how proud we are of them, toast them etc. Meanwhile, the infertile people who really need support get nothing, no gifts, no encouragement etc. It really is just all so unfair xo


              • #8
                [MENTION=151560]Holmax[/MENTION] hugs.
                I’m subscribing to this thread as an ivf disappointment who can’t get a baby either but i can’t even be bothered filling you in on my journey. Let’s just say i’ve spent half my 30s trying to get pregnant and i’ve made the decision just recently that I won’t be spending my 40s doing the same. It’s ****ed up.


                • #9
                  Hugs to you [MENTION=139066]Tinachris[/MENTION] and good for you for setting some limits. That takes a lot of courage! I always found it so hard to decide how far I would go but felt a lot better once I set a limit. To know that one way or another, my life wouldn’t be on hold forever really helped me.


                  • #10
                    New section - fertility disappointments

                    I don’t know [MENTION=151560]Holmax[/MENTION] but I’m really tired of it all. And thanks and hugs to [MENTION=145155]ShannyAnny[/MENTION] as well


                    • #11
                      @homax sounds pretty darn cute.


                      • #12
                        New section - fertility disappointments

                        Hi old friends [emoji4]

                        I can’t believe I’m back posting on here but I couldn’t read this thread & just go without saying Hi & sharing big hugs with some old mates. [emoji178]

                        I hear you with the grief over being childless & knowing that if it never does happen there is no one who really is going to give a sh1t about you - ever.

                        I’m probably a few steps ahead of most of you here - I’m older & I did draw that line & have come to accept that I will be childless.

                        Ten natural pregnancies of eleven babies who never made it past 8 weeks, six rounds of failed IVF, one overseas donor egg cycle fail & nearly dying from the meds & I’m done.

                        The grief nearly killed me, but I’m still here.

                        It is hard to accept that no child will ever look at me with love, there will be no first smiles, first day of school, no being a proud mumma, no Christmas mornings, no grandchildren, no one to tell my stories to, no one to really care about who I am & how I got to be me.

                        And the old age thing is frightening. I am the power of attorney for an 89 year old lady with no family & she was so abused & ripped off by people before I took over. They were going to shove her in a nursing home & forget her, even though she has the money for private care at home. They were hoping she’d die so they could get their hands on her money. It’s sad without any family.

                        This Christmas my husband & I are going away so that we don’t have to be home at Christmas. [MENTION=151560]Holmax[/MENTION] I love your doggie gifts idea - I’d do the same but I’m estranged from all my family so have no one to gift to anyway...

                        Sometimes it really doesn’t work out. I will never be the person I was before infertility. It destroyed me. The person I am now is ok, but it’s a long hard road to be anything close to normal.
                        Last edited by Summer; 30-11-2017, 22:48.


                        • #13
                          [MENTION=118630]Summer[/MENTION] it’s nice to hear from you after so long. I was just thinking of you last week. I’m glad you are okay. I think you are pretty amazing x


                          • #14
                            Hi Ladies [emoji112].

                            Personally I decided to draw the line when I no longer had hope. Without hope there was no point in continuing.

                            Over the last 6 years of TTC, including several IUI’s & IVF cycles, I have never been pregnant. In the end I guess I also lost sight of what I was even fighting for.

                            I get so p!ssed off when people around me say “you can’t just give up now, keep cycling, you will eventually get your baby in the end, it will all be worth it”. My friends just assume if you do enough cycles that you are eventually guaranteed success. No one acknowledges the cold hard reality that not everyone will win in this game and walk away with a baby in their arms.

                            I actually feel like I have a split personality at the moment. I successfully run my own business during the day, happily conversing with my workers and clients, socialising and laughing with friends on the weekends, but then in my quiet moments at home when I am alone, the tears just fall.

                            [MENTION=118630]Summer[/MENTION] I’m sorry for what you have been through and that you have drawn the line also. Does the pain and sadness ever lessen over time? Will I ever truly be able to move on from this?

                            [MENTION=151560]Holmax[/MENTION], I love my dogs too. They are the one thing in my life that bring me pure happiness and joy. I love your Xmas gift idea!


                            • #15
                              Hi again [MENTION=148503]Chocolate Rain[/MENTION].
                              I like your comment and just wanted to say I like your split personality comment. I feel like that often. X