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  • How do you know when you’re done?

    Hi ladies, I need to talk to someone.

    How do you know when you’re done having children? I’m still waiting for that content or complete feeling. DH and I have 2 DD aged 7 and 5. When our youngest started school last year I felt this overwhelming feeling that I’d like another baby. I put it down to maybe missing my girls being babies, realising they are growing up. But that feeling hasn’t changed. DH was all for having another, especially if it meant the chance to have a DS. I’m happy whatever gender it may be.

    Anyway, cut a long story short. I went off birth control a year ago and at the same time DH had a serious accident at work. TTC #3 was put on hold and my DH recovery has taken a long time, he just recently had a second surgery. Although everything has gone well, I continued to track my fertility on an app and DH said it was a good idea then we know when we’re ready there’s no guess work. But then he has said he’s unsure about having another and if we’ve left it too late.

    Now my DH wants to focus on recovery and his health and work is challenging at the moment. I completely understand and respect that he doesn’t want the added pressure.
    But at the same time I do feel a bit disappointed and I wonder if we will ever have #3 or if it’s just a dream and it’s too late for us. I wish I could feel ‘done’ and not this empty feeling

    Any thoughts? Thanks for listening.

  • #2
    Hey. Your feelings resonate with me so much! I honestly think that you will know that you don't want anymore children when you no longer have that urge to TTC anymore.

    I also have 2 children (DD 7 and DS 5 in August) and I've jumped back and forth on my feelings for another baby ever since DS was 2. We gathered that we had 1 of each so got the best of both worlds. I cried when we got rid of all of our baby things because to me that felt like that was the end. I find myself every 6 months though coming back to wanting just 1 more. I always envisioned myself having 3 kids and I think that's because I'm 1 of 3 myself. DH is very happy with keeping with just 2 though because of the dynamic of adding another person to our family (would need a slightly bigger car, will always need 3 bedrooms just for the kids, another new child in daycare when we're almost home free from that once DS starts school next year, etc). Sorry for my life story...

    It's so difficult to shut off the maternal urge for another baby. Maybe your DH is scared because of his injury with adding a new baby to the mix with finances, house, income? To me it sounds like you need to have a few good chats about it to allow both of you to vent how you feel about it and then come up with the conclusion. Good luck with whatever decision that you decide!

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Munchkin8 View Post
      Hi ladies, I need to talk to someone.

      How do you know when you’re done having children? I’m still waiting for that content or complete feeling. DH and I have 2 DD aged 7 and 5. When our youngest started school last year I felt this overwhelming feeling that I’d like another baby. I put it down to maybe missing my girls being babies, realising they are growing up. But that feeling hasn’t changed. DH was all for having another, especially if it meant the chance to have a DS. I’m happy whatever gender it may be.

      Anyway, cut a long story short. I went off birth control a year ago and at the same time DH had a serious accident at work. TTC #3 was put on hold and my DH recovery has taken a long time, he just recently had a second surgery. Although everything has gone well, I continued to track my fertility on an app and DH said it was a good idea then we know when we’re ready there’s no guess work. But then he has said he’s unsure about having another and if we’ve left it too late.

      Now my DH wants to focus on recovery and his health and work is challenging at the moment. I completely understand and respect that he doesn’t want the added pressure.
      But at the same time I do feel a bit disappointed and I wonder if we will ever have #3 or if it’s just a dream and it’s too late for us. I wish I could feel ‘done’ and not this empty feeling

      Any thoughts? Thanks for listening.
      Hi,

      Those feelings of wanting just one more sound very familiar to me. I know what you mean about the urge just not going away. I thought about it (every day) for a couple of years before I realised it just wasn't going to go away! I think you just know when you are done.

      I can see why your husband's enthusiasm has changed a bit since his accident. When your health is in question it's hard to imagine throwing another baby into the mix. I suppose your age influences how long you think you can wait. We didn't start ttc #3 until I was 42 (for lots of reasons - a health problem of my own that happened unexpectedly included). It was a long and tricky road but we eventually have our healthy number 3 (with a much bigger age gap between 2 and 3 than we'd thought we'd have) , and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm completely satisfied and finished now. Yes, it makes life busier and more complicated, but for us it's absolutely worth it, she's amazing!

      Good luck with your decision making. I think you will know what is right for your family.

      Comment


      • #4
        i’d love another baby. they’re so sweet and squishy and i actually get clucky seeing tiny babies. i’ve never really been that way, even when ttc for my own. so yes, another one would be nice.

        but, purely practical constraints are good contraception for us. we are in the middle of a pandemic, i can’t think of a worse time (for us) to bring another life into an uncertain and often-ugly world. i worry for the two i already have. we also enjoy our lifestyle and things are easier now i’m back at work, the idea of losing another year of income and not making financial progress while i’m off with another baby is off putting. my kids are also still quite young, the idea of 3 little kids (needy, dependent on us for most things etc) right now really scares me. i feel stretched most days, my mental health and my marriage probably aren’t really up to more pressure, if i’m really truthful about it. dh feels the same way. i feel like we have a responsibility to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, be the best parents to the kids we have. why add another life into the mix and be worse off for it? crankier, more tired, snappier. how is that better for us as a couple, for our individual mental health, for what kind of parents we are to the two kids we have right here? we also have very little support and family help, it really is just dh and i most weeks. we rarely, never really, get nights off to do a date night. we are truly in the trenches doing our best. it wouldn’t be fair on either of us or our kids to add a third into the mix.

        so yeah, as sad as that truth is, it’s the truth and we need to be realistic. no use popping out babies then ending up so stressed out that our marriage disintegrates. or our mental health suffers.

        it’s a balancing act imo. if it was just about babies, yes of course, we’d both like another one i think. but i think it’s important to take a holistic approach. perhaps if my kids were older, say ds was 7 and dd was ds’ age, maybe it could work. but not with a 4 year old and a 1 year old. and not in the middle of a global pandemic.

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        • #5
          I’m similar to [MENTION=137853]turquoisecoast[/MENTION]. I love newborns, their tiny little cries, their complete devotion to me as a mum.

          But practically, I don’t think 3 kids would work for us. I don’t have a great deal of patience and often get overwhelmed when they’re both demanding things of me. Add another demanding little person to that and I just wouldn’t cope. Financially, we’re now in a really good place and while I think we wouldn’t struggle without my income, it’d definitely halt our plans. Our house is big enough for 4 of us, but would feel a bit too cosy with an extra person and I don’t want a bigger mortgage.

          Basically, I don’t feel like we would be any happier with an extra family member. DH is adamant that we’re done too. If he wanted another, I might be swayed. I don’t have any urge to have 3 kids so I guess that’s how I know I’m done. My friends aren’t, so I still have plenty of newborns in my life to cuddle then hand back [emoji23]

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          • #6
            I know I’m done because I’m repulsed by the thought of getting pregnant, labour, newborn stage and recovery stage and the thought of another is too overwhelming, at the same time I still admire newborns, and probably always will, they make me clucky but it’s not enough to want or justify having another. I agree that the want should also be weighed up with the practical. In an ideal world why not have another, if I met someone else I would feel sad that considering another baby would be off the cards but I know it is for the best overall for my mental health and the wellbeing of my current children. I’m pregnant with fourth unplanned and the thought of being pregnant again is scary to me. I’ve decided to get my tubes taken out. Good luck

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            • #7
              I was 1000% done after my 3rd. He's 14 months, and honestly he's so busy, full on and exhausting, it's like a 2 for 1 😂

              There's a few factors involved: our house is not really suitable for another, I've had 3 csections and my last was a marathon. 4 hours from being called to returning to the ward. I have great recoveries with minimal pain or complications, but it's major surgery and it does take its toll. I'm not sure I could cope with another. I feel stretched thinly atm and my partner isn't the most hands on. I mean, he will but it's not without resistance and complaining and attitude because in his mind he's a 16yo gamer with no responsibilities. Not close to 40 with 3 kids.

              Now, my partner wants another, "just 1 more" and I would LOVE a daughter, as we have 3 boys and I've sideways wanted a girl...I get clucky looking at the boys' newborn photos, and seeing other newborns, I even get teary 😅 the car isn't even an issue as we have an 8 seater....

              BUT, I remember that overwhelming sense of dread as I stood in the hospital foyer with my 3 kids on discharge waiting for df with the car... of "oh holy crap, what In the world have we done???? We're OUT NUMBERED!!" (They were newborn, 4 and 8) but I just had this thought that I couldn't hold their hands all at once and it freaked me out. (That hormone drop post birth can be intense 😅)

              So as time goes on, I'm still very much done.. however if I could naturally 100% guarentee a girl I MAY be swayed... that's not going to happen though 😉 I do love my 3 boys unconditionally and like nothing else. But I do have this desire for a girl and all things pretty... however that's not good enough of a reason in my head to have or try for another. What if we got a 4th boy? I'd still have that want for a girl.. so go for #5? 6?... where do I draw the line?? So, for me, that cements the fact that we are done.
              Last edited by shadowangel0205; 30-07-2020, 01:29.

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              • #8
                Thanks everyone, I appreciate all your replies It's nice to know I am not alone feeling this way. We moved into a bigger house and bought a bigger car. We even kept all the baby stuff because our plan is to have another child. But things happen in life, some challenges which make us question whether it's the right decision right at this moment. I think I will wait a bit longer, until things settle for my DH, when he's recovered from his injury and when work is not so full on.

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                • #9
                  From a mum of 5- I don’t think the yearning for another baby truly goes away for most of us. It’s nature. I have coped brilliantly with each added kid and kept thinking what’s one more. 5 kids later, I am still same organised and motivated mum doing my best, I love babies, kids and would cope with more. But, I am 100% done. I am spread thin, and I am pouring from an empty cup. I make sure my
                  Kids get the attention they need that I often put myself last. My youngest is 20 months so still clingy of me , but soon I will be able to have some time to myself and really looking forward to it.
                  Are you really ready to go back to nappies, night time waking, extra housework, having to miss older kids activities because of a baby, running around park after a toddler when you can now enjoy your coffee while watching your girls, having interrupted coffee dates with your friend because your toddler is having a tantrum as they want to take their clothes off in the middle of winter, being pooped on, vomited on, not having had time to do your hair or brush your teeth, mastitis, weight gain, hormones post birth, possible nausea during pregnancy, anxiety over covid and climate change uncertainty and a newborn/another life, third child being younger and possibly a boy not having same interests as your older girls...?
                  I know sounds weird coming from a mum of 5. And it’s all this covid and climate change anxiety getting to me a bit.. but I think it’s smart to stop when one is ahead, than go for one more and find oneself stretched, worried, stressed out and tired.. all the best with your decision!

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                  • #10
                    I tend to think of baby and toddler and even childhood as a brief moment of time and a worthy investment for the future. Yes young children take almost all our time and energy but geeze, blink and you miss it is how I feel with hindsight. I have four kids, aged 9, 7, 3 and 1 and we are planning another baby. I really look forward to a busy future with adult kids and grandkids too. There's always pros and cons to any situation but only in your own heart will you know the right decision - and it's definitely not one to be talked into, or out of, iykwim.

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                    • #11
                      Honestly, I'm struggling with this too. DS is 3, DD is 11 months. I've always wanted 3 or 4, but it took a while to meet DH, who is 8 years older than me.
                      So I'm 34 now, and DH will be 42 in Dec and he keeps *jokingly* saying he wants to get the snip as soon as he can. He thinks DD has broken him (poor man! 😂).
                      There are times I feel content with the two "Oh I'd like a third, but I'm ok with two"... but then the idea of stopping, of not having a third makes me pretty upset. My period isn't even back yet so there's no point having the conversation until we are even in the place to consider it.
                      I've struggled a bit this time around mentally, but as a previous poster said, they're only this little for a short time.

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                      • #12
                        Both my husband and I have a child each from previous relationships. When we met, we were both positive we were finished with children, neither of us wanting more. DH was a young dad (20) and had a tough time coping with raising his son (was the primary carer). I was a young mum and was in a DV relationship when I had DD.
                        One day I woke up and realised I was desperate for more and DH was also keen for another... Two years later and I'm currently 30weeeks pregnant with the third baby of our blended family

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by nudge88 View Post
                          Both my husband and I have a child each from previous relationships. When we met, we were both positive we were finished with children, neither of us wanting more. DH was a young dad (20) and had a tough time coping with raising his son (was the primary carer). I was a young mum and was in a DV relationship when I had DD.
                          One day I woke up and realised I was desperate for more and DH was also keen for another... Two years later and I'm currently 30weeeks pregnant with the third baby of our blended family
                          Congratulations, that’s wonderful!!

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Elaria086 View Post
                            Honestly, I'm struggling with this too. DS is 3, DD is 11 months. I've always wanted 3 or 4, but it took a while to meet DH, who is 8 years older than me.
                            So I'm 34 now, and DH will be 42 in Dec and he keeps *jokingly* saying he wants to get the snip as soon as he can. He thinks DD has broken him (poor man! ������).
                            There are times I feel content with the two "Oh I'd like a third, but I'm ok with two"... but then the idea of stopping, of not having a third makes me pretty upset. My period isn't even back yet so there's no point having the conversation until we are even in the place to consider it.
                            I've struggled a bit this time around mentally, but as a previous poster said, they're only this little for a short time.
                            Hi [MENTION=144933]Elaria086[/MENTION] I can really relate to what you’re saying! I started this thread/post back in July and was hoping to have convinced DH about another child. But frustratingly he’s still sitting on the fence about it. We also have a larger age gap, he’s 10 years older than me. I’m 36 next year and I just feel like I’m running out of time plus our DD is 5 and the longer we take to decide the bigger that age gap between her and a new sibling will be! Our 2nd child has always been hard work and challenging which has always put us off having more. But I still don’t feel done yet!
                            I’d say, sit down with your DH and chat to him about it. Because my DH said he forgets I’m 10 years younger than him and I’m not at that stage of being done with kids. Good luck

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                            • #15
                              I think you truly know. I know, right now, that this is my last pregnancy. I'm ready to move on from birth, babies and toddlers after this little one. However, if I'd stopped before this pregnancy, I'd always have that tickle in the back of my mind, of who might have joined us.

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