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Concerns about having #4

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  • Concerns about having #4

    Our youngest is nearly 2 and hubby is slowly coming around to the idea of a fourth. Until recently he was a flat no, nope, no way, not happening. However now he has said a few things and is a bit more open to discussing it.

    He has expressed that he is worried that we have a 4th and it may be born with something wrong. We have 3 healthy children and he is worried about disturbing that and it affecting their lives. Any ideas to discuss this more with him? I have said well it is always a possibility however we have conceived 3 perfectly healthy children so far.

    Our children are born within 3 years of each other and if we had another it would be maybe 3ish years gap between youngest and newborn. Ideally I would like 2 more but I will be grateful to have the 1 more. Is the gap going to be too big?

    Any advice thanks.

  • #2
    We chose to continue our family knowing our children had a chance of having a genetic condition that my eldest has and I have since been diagnosed with. The way we look at it, is that all children are a blessing. That regardless of health issues, anything can happen in life that can make things challenging. They can be born healthy then develop something later in life etc.

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    • #3
      I don’t think your risk of having a child with “something wrong” would be more than any other pregnancy. Unless you are much older for example.

      The risk isn’t cumulative, I’m sure someone could explain this better than me but basicly 3 healthy pregnancies and babies doesn’t mean the fourth will be sick because 1 in 4 has issues. You would still have a 1/4 chance of an issue (Obviously pulled those numbers out of nowhere).

      As with all pregnancies you’ll need to be comfortable with how you may handle any potential issues.

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      • #4
        Only pain in having #4 is changing cars and that rarely is a "family membership" to anything more than 2 adults and 3 kids and quite often if you go past the "magic society-accepts-number of 3 people think you cant have planned it or make comments (unless your first 3 are the same gender, then they assume it is to get the other gender) Other than that, it is awesome. Even numbers are cool.
        "This too, shall pass."

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Rachel3072 View Post
          Only pain in having #4 is changing cars and that rarely is a "family membership" to anything more than 2 adults and 3 kids and quite often if you go past the "magic society-accepts-number of 3 people think you cant have planned it or make comments (unless your first 3 are the same gender, then they assume it is to get the other gender) Other than that, it is awesome. Even numbers are cool.
          Haha I made sure we had a 7 seater car before we started trying for our first so that bit is sorted. It’s surprising actually that everyone we meet asked if we are having any more. I thought a lot would see 3 as a big family but we get it asked all the time. People may think it’s a whoopsie with the bigger age gap though.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Soon2be4 View Post
            Haha I made sure we had a 7 seater car before we started trying for our first so that bit is sorted. It’s surprising actually that everyone we meet asked if we are having any more. I thought a lot would see 3 as a big family but we get it asked all the time. People may think it’s a whoopsie with the bigger age gap though.
            Interesting isnt it. I see 3 as a very average number, everyone seems to have 3. 4 is technically the definition of "a large family" but I have more than that so 4 seems pretty small to me!
            "This too, shall pass."

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            • #7
              My husband had similar concerns, feeling like "we have three healthy kids let's not risk it". He grew up with a sibling having a profound disability so I think he's concerned about that affect on the other kids. I agreed to having chromosomal testing (Harmony test) during my fourth pregnancy which helped allay his fears.
              As Mamasupial said also, every child is a unique blessing.
              I think 3 year gap is perfect. I have had gaps of 26 months, 3 years, and 22 months. By far, the gap of 3 years was the absolute best. I had time to build up my reserves between pregnancies, I could sleep through the night when pregnant, my 3 year old was so much more independent and welcoming to the new baby than the toddlers have been.
              Good luck in those chats with hubby. I do love our family of 6 but I have to say 4 kids is a lot of work at the moment (aged 7, 5, 1 and newborn). My 1 year old has lost the plot! Go the bigger gap!!!

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              • #8
                Originally posted by BornToBe View Post
                My husband had similar concerns, feeling like "we have three healthy kids let's not risk it". He grew up with a sibling having a profound disability so I think he's concerned about that affect on the other kids. I agreed to having chromosomal testing (Harmony test) during my fourth pregnancy which helped allay his fears.
                As Mamasupial said also, every child is a unique blessing.
                I think 3 year gap is perfect. I have had gaps of 26 months, 3 years, and 22 months. By far, the gap of 3 years was the absolute best. I had time to build up my reserves between pregnancies, I could sleep through the night when pregnant, my 3 year old was so much more independent and welcoming to the new baby than the toddlers have been.
                Good luck in those chats with hubby. I do love our family of 6 but I have to say 4 kids is a lot of work at the moment (aged 7, 5, 1 and newborn). My 1 year old has lost the plot! Go the bigger gap!!!
                Thank you! I really appreciate all you’ve said. My gaps are 13 months and 22 months so 3 years seems huge but you are right i feel so much more recovered this time and ready for it as opposed to being drained.

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                • #9
                  My DH had similar concerns re: #4 and not jinxing anything as we have 3 healthy kids already. Im pregnant with #4 now after a few ivf attempts. our age gaps are 3yrs7mths, 2yrs10mths and 3yrs5mths when bub born. we like the 3yr gaps; ideally only wanted 2yr gaps but have had fertility issues and i breastfed for 2yrs each child so we've been pretty lucky really.

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                  • #10
                    Hi,

                    We have 4, I have a 13yr old son, 11yr old girl, 9 yr old son and 4.5yr old girl, we have been discussing having a 5th, I have a 4.5yr gap between 3 and 4, due to a car accident but the gap had been amazing, and we love it.... we are still deciding if #5 will come along, as last year I had a heart attack at 32yrs old.

                    We have a lot of friends with 3 or more kids, which is great, except when we go to dinner with a family friend who has 3 boys and 4 foster kids... people think we are crazy. We love having 4.
                    Oh my eldest has adhd, Aspergers too... so we’ve had our challenges there.

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