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To confront FOB about his lack of interest in DS or not?

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  • maternidade
    No advise just hugs

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  • BbBbBh
    I think it's a sad thing for your DS especially as he gets older and would be joining sports teams on weekends. No excuses for FOB but does he know much about being a dad? You haven't mentioned FOB's own family. Does he have siblings, parents etc? It's odd to me that he still has his visits in your home. I would find that uncomfortable. It's not like ds is a baby and he needs to be close to mum for that time. I would be contacting CSA and saying to FOB that it will be easier for him as he won't need to worry about remembering as it will all be done for him and it keeps ds in daycare which is important as he loves going (or something that sounds like a win-win). Single parenting is difficult but single parenting with someone who is difficult to deal with is just awful. I hope things improve for you and ds.

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  • Pesca77
    It certainly sounds like his son is an inconvenience, which is so sad for your DS.

    But on the flip side, weekly visits are a hell of a lot more than some fathers provide. And clearly he's good to your son since he's so excited to see him each week. He deserves a relationship with his father, even if the fob doesn't necessarily deserve it.

    As long as he's treating him well on those visits, I'd continue. Are they ideal? No. Should fob be more committed and responsible? Absolutely. But sadly you can't force that. People either want to be dedicated parents or they don't - sucks but that's life sometimes.

    BTW, well done on raising him solo. When he grows up to be a lovely young man, you can take full credit xx

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  • Jenga
    I disagree with the pp who said not to go through child support. Absolutely get child support to do the collection on your behalf. Then you don't have to follow him up. If it upsets him... Big deal! It just means he transfers the payment to a different bank account & may be held a little more accountable. At the very least he should make sure child support is paid on time.

    Unfortunately it sounds like his son is an inconvenience to him. You can't force a relationship & like you said he may end up taking him to events or parties if you do & as a mother I would rather my son is home with me. I understand you wanting to give the ultimatum but it may be best to leave it as it is for now. I would be tempted to pull him up on his lies and say something like... If you have something on I would really appreciate if you let me know well in advance so we can make alternate arrangements & our son doesn't have to be disappointed. You don't need to make excuses that you are sick & cancel at the last minute.

    I hope things improve one day & he sees just how precious his son is.

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  • aquarius22
    Yep preggasaurus his friends know he has a son, he has one or two pictures of DS on FB, but hardly ever makes mention of him at all.
    I suppose there might be other people/friends out there who he's not friends with on FB who he might not tell he has a son.

    Thanks Rookiemum, I don't want to jeapordise DS's future relationship with his father but I also think FOB needs to man up and if he chooses to run away when I tell him to do so, then hopefully one day DS would understand.

    I would like to give him an ultimatum - man up and step up, be a proper father to the child and take some responsibility, or go away and leave us alone as DS doesn't need someone unreliable and uninterested. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do.

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  • VicPark
    First of all your poor DS deserves better. I wouldn't give fob a "pull your socks up or there's no point in seeing DS at all style ultimatum. Your DS has a right to know his father and may end up resenting you if you do something which tips his flippant father over the edge into not seeing him at all.

    I would sort of call the father out on his lies "DS loves seeing you. If you have another social function on during a scheduled visit with DS please feel free to call me so we can organise an alternative time for your visit."

    Good luck

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  • Rookiemum
    Poor little baby boy, that sucks for him and you to have such an immature brat as a father. Good luck and whatever you do make sure you really think it through because you don't want to jepridise any relationship for your son!

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  • preggasaurus
    Hi, just read through, and it reads like as though maybe no one else in fobs life knows he has a son. Is that why he doesn't prioritise him? I mean, are you and he the secret? So if his mates or girlfriend suggest he does something, he can't say no because then he'd have to tell them he has this son he never told them about before?

    That was my immediate thought? Does he ever do a Facebook status of "hanging out with my son"? Or post photos of them together?

    Other than that, I have nfi, I seriously don't get men.

    Oh, and I wouldn't change to automatic collection without first discussing with him. But that's up to you I guess.

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  • To confront FOB about his lack of interest in DS or not?

    I know everyone one and every situation is different and I'm not looking for anyone to give me the answer or advise me what to do, just looking for opinions and suggestions on this issue please
    The story may be long so if you don't have time to read the whole thing - the short version is I believe FOB only sees DS out of obligation and floats in and out when it suits him, and I want to approach him about it but worried about the outcome.

    DS is 4.5yrs old, FOB and I split up during pregnancy, it was amicable and civilized. Since DS's birth FOB only sees DS once a week, for about 4-5hrs, its what we started off with when DS was a newborn, FOB would come and visit on a Sat for an hour or two while bub was awake, visits gradually got longer as DS got older. DS is now 4yrs old and FOB still only visits on a Sat for about 4-5hrs maximum. And he visits, he doesn't take DS to his house or have him overnight. I provide all the food for DS for the 4-5hr period. FOB does play well with him during this time but by 2 hours I can see FOB is getting bored. Sometimes I go out for the 4hours and sometimes I'm at home. Sometimes FOB takes him out to the park.

    FOB has never asked for more time with DS. When I have suggested it about a year ago his excuse was work, he works a fairly standard 9-5 job, says he can't possibly ask to finish early one day and pick DS up from pre-school and spend more time with him, or take any kind of responsibility for him, is how I see it. FOB lives in a 1 bed apartment and when I suggested getting a 2 bedroom so DS could have sleepover when he was older FOB said he couldn't afford it (but owns two cars and an expensive motorbike...)

    FOB never asks about how DS is going at pre-school, DS starts school next year but I don't even know if he knows that, he hasn't asked about him starting school, or which school he will go to. He doesn't ask about what goes on in DS's life outside of the 4hrs he sees him on a Saturday. Any information he knows is because I have shared the info with him, it's never asked for.

    Every 4 weeks or so he will cancel at short notice due to 'illness' or 'work' I am always suspicious, and he has a fairly public facebook profile so I always go onto his FB page when he has texted to say he 'can't visit today' - and sure enough he's posted a status or picture of him doing something like going out to breakfast or lunch with his girlfriend, or hanging out with his friends or going to a festival or event type thing. He'll never be honest, as far as I see it he won't see his son because he's got better things to do or other priorities.

    DS and I went on holiday last week for a week, so DS did not see FOB last week, so today is 2 weeks since he saw his son. DS bounded out of bed this morning knowing it was Sat and Daddy would be visiting, only for me to tell him he wouldn't be visiting as he's texted at 8am to say he was sick with the flu and would be in bed all day, sure enough checked his FB page at midday to see a pic of him and his mates at the pub drinking beers and cocktails with some status like 'kicking off a great Sat with a boozy lunch'.
    I'm seriously over it. It's been 2 weeks since he saw his son and he doesn't care. He see's DS when it suits him, and when it doesn't suit he lies and doesn't make up the time with DS. He'd never suggest 'can I see him tomorrow instead' he just leaves it for another week.

    Last month FOB had 3 weeks of annual leave (as I found out through his FB page) and not once did he suggest or ask to have some more time with DS during that time off. I couldn't ask as he never told me he had the annual leave, I only knew through his FB. He prob knew if he told me he was on leave I would suggest more time with DS, which is why he pretended to me that he was working as normal.

    A month ago as well his child support payment was late, I had to text him to tell him it was overdue and he then paid it. When I asked him about it in person and asked if it could please be paid on time as I relied on it for DS's pre-school fees he said he couldn't always promise it would be on time as he was busy with work and had a busy life. Seriously he's a 32yr old man with a child he barely sees and takes no responsibility for other than to pay child support each month, how busy can he be?! And what are the priorities in his life? Clearly not his son. I have decided from now to have the child support collected by CSA instead of privately, I just need to get it organised.

    Anyway, the point of my ramble? I feel like it's time to bring all of this up with FOB and ask him whether he just sees DS because he feels he has an obligation to. I don't want that for DS. I'd rather he went away out of our lives than float in and out when it suits him and only because he feels obligated to. However, I'm worried:
    1. That he will just walk away and DS might never have a relationship again with his father, or
    2. I'm worried FOB will go the other way and out of anger and spite take me to court for court agreed custody and end up with more time with DS but will treat DS badly during the extra time, he's not interested in him and I think he would just drag him along to adult events in extra time rather than actually be a proper father to his child. FOB has an ego and doesn't like to be told he's done the wrong thing, so I could see option 2 happening out of anger and revenge.

    I don't know what to do. DS is such a good kid, he is not a tantrum thrower, he's inquisitive and fun and a delight to be around, he's not a difficult child. I don't understand why FOB doesn't want to be a bigger part of his life. I feel DS deserves more from his father.
    Last edited by aquarius22; 22-02-2014, 17:26.