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Behavioural Changes after Visitation

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  • Behavioural Changes after Visitation

    Last edited by Ana Gram; 12-07-2013, 17:19.

  • #2
    My DS used to come back hyper, rude, disrespectful, violent... There wasn't really much I could do but reinforce our morals and wait a couple of days for him to settle. He gets incredibly hyper when he's had too much sugar and he'd come home with bags of lollies so it'd take me a good day or two to get him to 'detox' from all the crap food.

    Unfortunately, last year he came home and was displaying some very concerning behaviours. I spoke with a councellor and decided it would be best to discuss it with his father. His father has now decided to not see him at all and, TBH, I'm actually glad as the behaviours were becoming incredibly concerning. I didn't tell his father not to see him, but I wasn't going to allow the behaviour in front of DS to continue - I wanted him to seek counselling but I guess he decided it's all too hard.


    • #3
      My boys are a bit 'ratty' when they come home from seeing their dad. They settle pretty quickly. When they visit ex mil they are hyper till next day - she loved them with lollies, cordial and other assortments of junk!!! Thankfully that's only every few weeks.

      They are staying the night with their dad this weekend for the first time in about 7weeks, so it will be interesting to see how they are when they come home.

      Me -28 & my boys 7, 5 & 4
      Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub app


      • #4
        Our kids did when they came back from their mums they had no rules and did what they pleased as she just wanted to be their friends and we looked like the bad guys they would stay up late ate all hours of the day night you just have to set rules and wait until the behaviours settle try and talk to the ex if you can to try and keep some continunity so makes the transitions easier.


        • #5
          Yep. DS gets very highly strung after visits from his father. He cringes and cries if he hears a loud noise.


          • #6
            Generally DS will come back super tired, as in I get him back at 3pm and he is in bed asleep by 4pm. That hour in between, I just go with the flow as much as possible, the next day he tests the boundaries. Im pretty sure to make sure that they are still the same and that nothing changed in his absence. It usually only lasts a couple of days. More if its been a longer visit, longer visits are a realm of their own though.


            • #7
              Not single (re-partnered) so I hope if you don't mind that I answer this.

              I have been thinking of making a thread similar to this

              My children go and visit their Dad every 2nd weekend etc. I have had the same issues since the last visit. It took me a week to get them back to their usual behaviour. Now they go to their fathers this weekend I had similar issues that you are having with your DD. Not sure what turned it around for them, but Sunday just gone they were back to their regular behaviour here.

              I wonder if it is different expectations between houses and they are pushing the boundaries here. Their father is into blind obedience and strict discipline. We parent very differently, half of the reason we are no together.

              Sorry I can not help but I can empathise!


              • #8
                DS comes back in a very strange mode. He is generally very c,Inge, yet completely silent and withdrawn.i try to just reassure him and be there for him as much as possible.


                • #9
                  My DS comes back very chatty & hungry. He sometimes falls asleep in his father's car on his way back to me but sometimes he doesn't so he is pretty tired by the time he comes home. His dad only has him for the day. It prob be different when he starts doing overnight stays later this yr


                  • #10
                    Yep, each fortnight there is an adjusting period.

                    I try to just be as regular as possible and TRY to have extra patience. He seems to be settling quicker and quicker


                    • #11
                      ds goes to his dads every second weekend and then on a wednesday night for dinner but he comes home everytime with attitude and is rude and just horriable.
                      i tried sending him to his room etc nothing worked
                      my step dad (who is really close to ds) sat him down and said that when his dads drops him off he needs to leave the ds that goes to his dads in his dads car and bring the ds that we know and love lots and lots to the front door
                      it has worked heaps.. just last night he came home in the worst mood and all i had to say to him was what was it grandad said about when you come home from dads he said oh yeh i forgot walked to the front door and said mum im home and his whole attitude changed =)
                      the hardest thing i find is that at dads there is no rules and he doesnt like to tell him off because "he doesnt seem him very often and wants to be the fun one "


                      • #12
                        My DS goes to his dad's each weekend- Fri to Sun one week; for 8 hours on the alternate Sunday. Last weekend he went for the day and OMG yesterday we didn't leave the house. Monday mornings we do swimming lessons- the only planned activity for the whole day and DS went into meltdown because he wanted to stay home. Also took him 90 minutes to settle off to sleep last night. Usually takes DS about 3 days to detox from whatever his father has given him to eat- that is on the occasion he does eat. Some weekends he goes on hunger strike and won't eat for 48 hrs that he's at his dad's. I can't win either way.


                        • #13
                          I have young step children who spent the weekend with us every fortnight for a year until we could see it was bad for them _ but we grown ups found it hard to tolerate the bad behaviour and disruption too. It was bad for my kids, the step kids, and the adults.

                          I banned my kids from having sleepovers at their friends during school term because it's also too disruptive. They are teens.

                          We believe in routines, and consistent, loving parenting.

                          Maybe kids, little ones and teens, just can't handle that much change and variation in their lives.

                          Please consider that it is not the fault of the other parent. For those who complain about the quality of parenting by the other parent, you must consider what sort of parenting is possible in a relationship based on 2 days out of 14.


                          • #14
                            "As for the parenting issues, it tends to be made all that more hard if there are no rules in the effort to be the fun parent."

                            That's what I'm trying to get at, the relationship is more like being spoiled at grandparents or the childless aunt and uncle's. It is not a parenting relationship anymore. There's not the time or trust for discipline, the other parent has that authority, which I suppose is the downside of getting the 12 days a fortnight.

                            I don't think that 'the fun parent' role is deliberately created by weekend access parents, it occurs by default 'cos that's all that's left.

                            MY DH and I have talked long and hard about this, and I also have the wisdom of having been a single mum for 10 years with no father in contact. I used to think that there was nothing worse than my kids being fatherless. Now I see something completely different with what my DH is faced with and what his kids are faced with - two quite separate problems too.

                            No easy answers here.


                            • #15
                              They don't go to their dad's anymore but when they did they were grumpy or whatever. I let it go for a few days and they were back to normal. They now go to their aunty's and uncle's about every second weekend instead and they aren't as bad. I think it might have been the enviromnent (with their father) they were in.