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  • Jealous of my pregnant same sex partner

    I'm really hoping there are some other lesbian mums out there who can lend me a supportive ear.

    I am the proud birth mum of our 19mth old son. My partner and I have been together for 6years and over that time, our plans and ideas about parenting have changed. More specifically, in the early days, my then girlfriend wasn't sure she wanted kids. I thought it would break us. But then she came around to the idea (thank goodness!) but didn't want to be pregnant or give birth herself. So i was to birth two babies.

    Around the time we found our donor, she decided that she too wanted to carry and birth a baby, so it made sense that we would have one each. I went first as I was older and more clucky (through IVF) and became pregnant relatively quickly. I had a fabulous pregnancy and a wonderful birth. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I loved every bit of it. I have wanted to have a child my whole life. I have resigned from my job and am enjoying being at home full time with our son.

    But time was ticking so it was my partner's turn to get pregnant and now she is!! 6 weeks. We have our first scan this week.

    I have been feeling so mixed up through the whole TTC process and now she's actually pregnant, I wish more than anything that it was me. I feel so much grief and sadness that our son will be the only pregnancy and birth I experience. My partner is amazing, is aware of my feelings and doesn't take it personally one bit! She's a gem. But I feel so guilty that I'm jealous. And at times I resent that she is the one who is pregnant and has changed her mind from the early days - which of course she has every right to do.

    Does any of this ring true for anyone else? Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm so stuck in my grief, I feel I am missing some of the joy of this new life that is growing in her belly. Our baby. I try to shield her from my feelings which at times makes me grumpy and that's no fun for anyone. I'm due to see a counsellor in a couple of weeks and hope I can get some support around this, but the thing I long for is to talk to someone who "gets it". another lesbian mum in a similar situation.
    Is there anyone out there?

  • #2
    I'm not a same sex parent, but just thought I would send you some hugs. It is natural that you would feel like you are missing out on something when you thought you would be getting to be pregnant again. I hope that you manage to find a way to feel ok with the fact that it is not you carrying this time and wish you all the best for you and your growing family.

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    • #3
      hug

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      • #4
        Hugs.

        I'm not in your position yet, but I think I will be when my partner carries no. 2. (Not even preg with 1 yet). I know it's a way away, but I'm already worrying about how I'll be!

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        • #5
          Im not in the situation, but if I may offer my thoughts, perhaps it is just because you had such a wonderful pregnancy and birth, you wish to be able to enjoy that whole thing again. It is not really jealousy, that you dont want her to be having the expierence, but more that you want to be sharing it with her. Why does your son have to be the only time you can be pregnant?? Can you not have a second child if you wish to. ?? I can understand your feelings. Marie.

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          • #6
            Rainbow Roa - thank you

            Rainbow Road - I'd be interested to hear more, if you felt comfortable to share. What is it that makes you feel you could share some of these experiences? Is it something primal, innate inside you? Is it about how you imagine yourself and your life? I'd really like to hear more of your thoughts.....xxxxx JG
            Last edited by JuliaGrrl; 25-09-2012, 22:06.

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            • #7
              Supergranny - thank you

              Thank you for your posting Supergranny. Sometimes I try to convince myself that we could have three children, but I honestly don't know that we could. We have always imagined ourselves as a two child family, it was just going to be me birthing both those children. My partner works in the community sector and I would like to stay out of the workforce for our children's early years. We make ends meet but can't afford a holiday, for example. I'm not sure we would be able to manage three children? I don't know. I don't know what the practical considerations would be. Do you have any thoughts on this? Thank you for your kind words and support. I really do appreciate it.JG

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              • #8
                jealousy

                Yes, Supergranny, maybe I need to reframe the idea of jealousy...thank you.

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                • #9
                  Special Patrol Group - thank you.

                  Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate it. JG.

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                  • #10
                    I think I understand where you are coming from. My partner and I (we are same sex parents) have a 17 month old boy that we both adore but it was, and still can be at times, really hard for me not to be jealous that I didn't give birth to him.
                    The beginning was the worst because our idea of what being mums would be like was so ridiculously different to reality. I pictured us both staying at home (or working part time), watching our child grow together in blissful happiness when in reality I HAD to work full time while my partner stayed at home (breastfeeding).
                    All along through the pregnancy he was 'our' baby, but when he was born, and I guess rightfully so, he was mostly Nikki's baby.
                    I ended up feeling like an outsider, working long hours to pay the bills and mortgage - watching my partner and baby bond and although I was over the moon for Nikki (my partner), deep down there was a twingy feeling of 'where's my baby?, 'what about my time with bub?'
                    I hated myself for resenting her and it got to a point recently where I thought she'd had enough of me and that we were going to break up but I made a decision that every time I felt jealous I'd make myself think about what life would be like for me without Nikki and my son and it snaps me out of it every time.
                    I think that maybe it's normal for two women (regardless of sexuality or relationship to one another) who both want to be pregnant and have babies to be jealous in this situation. It's normal to be female and want to have children doesn't matter if your gay or straight. It's normal to feel jealous of something you don't have but someone else close to you does.
                    Try not to be too hard on yourself and instead of getting cranky when you feel bad give your partner and bub a cuddle and think about how lucky you are to have them and another one on the way... that's what I do anyway.
                    Last edited by Candiceo; 26-09-2012, 14:32.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by JuliaGrrl View Post
                      Rainbow Road - I'd be interested to hear more, if you felt comfortable to share. What is it that makes you feel you could share some of these experiences? Is it something primal, innate inside you? Is it about how you imagine yourself and your life? I'd really like to hear more of your thoughts.....xxxxx JG
                      Hi JG,

                      I'm not sure. For me, I have always, since I was a really young girl, imagined being pregnant, giving birth, nuturing my infant - breastfeeding etc. I adore kids, I'm a nanny and have been yearning for kids for so, so long.

                      When I found myself in a same-sex relationship, I grieved the experience of trying to conceive naturally. Now we're trying to conceive through a clinic and I'm grieving the fact that we'll never have a child that's genetically linked to both of us.

                      We've always said we both wanted to carry a baby and we always said I'd go first because I wanted it more (and now it's also the financially sensible option too, even though DP is older she's just started a new career).

                      I've also always wanted to be a stay at home mum, and I think now I'm grieving the fact that when DP has a baby, it'll make sense for her to stay at home with the kids, at least while the newborn is tiny and I might not get that experience? That I might not get to breastfeed both of my children, that one will seem more 'hers' and one more 'mine'? (Which I desperately hope not to be the case). That her family will love her baby more or vice versa?

                      I've no idea how it'll pan out. DP has always said she can't imagine doing my job (hanging out with babies all day) so she'd probably go back to work quite early on in the piece, but what if she changes her mind and wants to be home? I guess we would have to try and work out a happy medium.

                      Of course, none of this may happen! I am probably over-thinking everything. But sometimes I wish she didn't want to carry a baby so it wouldn't be an issue. Having a baby has always been my driving force, so yes it's both primal and how I imagine my life.

                      And I know how much a baby becomes the centre of your world and I guess I'm prepared for that, I'm not prepared for DP having a baby and deciding to stay at home with it.

                      I'm also a bit worried that our families will inadvertently love our biological babies more than the others, but that's unfair of me to project onto them because I don't actually think it'll be the case.

                      Sorry this is so long! Hope it helps - feel free to ask anything x

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                      • #12
                        I'm not in a same sex relationship, although as a mum I can DEFINITELY understand where your heart lies on this. I can imagine that I'd feel very much the same way in your situation so don't feel like you're a meanie or anything like that. I'm pretty sure it'd be a common reaction in most women.

                        I don't have anything to offer really as I haven't actually been in your situation although perhaps something that might help once bub is actually around.
                        Could you possibly look into induced lactation so that you can breastfeed bub too? Induced lactation (if you're not aware of it already) is when you basically trick your body into lactating again by using a breast pump or other methods. If you google "Induced lactation" you can find a wealth of info, and I'm sure there's breastfeeding groups that can help as well.

                        I realise it doesn't help with the jealousy of the pregnancy, unfortunately I'm not sure that anything other than therapy could help there. It's a natural reaction, so it's something that you'd have to work through. But perhaps induced lactation could help you to bond with bub after they're born as well as even the load of parenting after bub is born for your partner. Win win I say

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                        • #13
                          SuperGranny - Your posts are amazing. I love how you can just post things so logically without much hint of emotion that most hubbers including myself can't seem to accomplish. If I had a BH crush it'd be you

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                          • #14
                            Hi there!

                            A little bit different here too but can understand & completely sympathize with how your feeling! I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with our 1st. I know how hard it can be for my DP at times, not getting to be with her daughter 24/7 as I do. We talk very openly about how she's feeling & I can always 100% validate how she's feeling, I really do understand. I try & keep her involved in everything appointment wise & get her to have a feel when she's moving to keep it real. DP reads her stories at night & is always talking to her, kissing her, touching her & as crazy as this may sound I genuinely beleive they already have a special bond. DP has told me I am no longer her number one girl, that our daughter will always be her main priority from the day she is born & I couldn't be happier about that! I feel so lucky & blessed to have her be so amazing & supportive of us. While we are in a great place now, it was tricky getting here & I truly believe the key was being open & talking about how we really feel, our hopes & fears. I hope it gets easier for you both, I'm sure it will when it all feels more real!

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                            • #15
                              Hi

                              I thought I would share my experience. I have always dreamed about having a large family, lots of children etc... I always said from the beginning that I wanted to birth at least 2 children and this is something I was really passionate about. My partner was happy with this and said that she is happy to have one pregnancy. The plan was that I was going to have the first baby, her the second and me the third.

                              I gave birth to our first baby and then it was my partners turn to try for baby no.2. While we were trying with her, I had this feeling in my stomach, like butterflies or knots or something that I really wanted to get pregnant and carry again. I was really happy that my DP was trying and it was her turn but I still couldn't shake the feeling I had that I soooo wanted to be the one getting pregnant. As it turned out, after 6 months of trying DP felt it wasn't the right time for her due to Work Stuff that I ended up TTC and fell pregnant again straight away. Next year DP will again TTC baby no.3 and I think now that I have had the 2 pregnancies, that the jealousy feeling I experienced when DP was TTC no.2 wont be there, well not as strong anyway, as I would love to have another pregnancy, but I have accepted that it not meant to be and maybe it would be nice to play the co-parent role?

                              Would you plan to have a 3rd baby?
                              Last edited by astrogal; 03-10-2012, 20:23.

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