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  • When your husband doesn't want another baby

    I'm 39. My husband is 42. We have DS13 and DD10.

    I want to have another baby. Husband was surprised. Didn't commit 100% but said he'd consider and support me to look into my fertility, our health insurance, etc.

    Upped our insurance.

    I discussed coming off the pill at the end of July. Didn't keep it a secret. Stopped taking it 31/7

    I started with the GP. She referred me to an OB for a preconception review. Again discussed with hubby.

    No secrets.

    Hubby said he'd come. He did.

    I had to go back today for blood results etc. including egg reserve. All good. Normal for my age. OB gave me the green light.

    I should be happy. But I'm devastated. Hubby has pretty much said no to a baby today.

    I have had a pretty big tantrum. I am sad. Hurt.

    I knew he hadn't fully committed. But he did not say no. In fact he kept saying "it's not a no"

    OB said today 'don't leave it too long'. Don't wait 6 months or anything. Get on to it.

    I really don't know what to do.

    Please don't respond telling me we both need to agree and I can't trick him etc. I have no intention of anything like that.

    I just want to know what to do. How do I move on.

    I have no one to talk to as it was something we have kept private.

    I'm so sad.

  • #2
    I am so sorry you're going through that. I can't imagine how you must feel. It does kind of feel like he led you on a bit, letting you go through all that initial stuff just to say no. I'd feel hurt in your situation too.

    I don't know what I would do. I think if there was any hope at all, I'd want to get relationship counselling with hubby to see if we can discuss how we both feel with a supportive person and see if it's something we can resolve. If I was sure he wasn't going to change his mind, I would get my own counselling to deal with the grief of the baby I want but will never have.

    I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you. Big hugs xx

    Comment


    • #3
      Update: things have progressed well Lots of soul searching and discussing and the benefit of some time. DH has come around !!! Officially TTC next month.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Hopefulat40 View Post
        Update: things have progressed well Lots of soul searching and discussing and the benefit of some time. DH has come around !!! Officially TTC next month.
        That's amazing news!!

        We were in the same position, I wanted more, hubby said he did too (he's had a vasectomy though) but wasn't 100% sure, told me to stop selling any baby things I'd listed and got angry at me when I leant a friend our tens machine, cot ect. We saw a psychologist to help with it all (was useless!). Then he tells me a few weeks later that he can't do it, he desperately wants a particular sex, but doesn't want to resent our child if it's not, the kids are older now and in school so there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

        I don't know where to go from here. I hope he comes around like your DH did!

        Comment


        • #5
          Hi [MENTION=59690]Sevven[/MENTION]

          Sorry to hear you are facing this issue too.

          Look, I still can't say for certain that my DH is 1000% comfortable. But I told him I was scared too!

          After 10 years! And the not knowing whether my body can do it. And the fear of possible disappointment.

          Yes, we do see a light at the end of the tunnel etc. I see it too!!!! [emoji102]

          I am the main income earner. I have a career. It's probably just getting back on track.

          We are pretty financially stable but still have a pretty big mortgage etc.

          So many reasons to hesitate. Yes I get worried even typing this.

          But the desire. The what ifs. The tragic things happening in the world. Losses experienced by close friends etc. that's what counts.

          I don't love my career more than my kids. I'm also not giving it up. I'll be back to work. Yes it will be a set back. But I can live with where I'm at in my career and income if it plateaus.

          Sleep deprivation. Crying. Poo. Morning sickness. School lunches. Tantrums. Mess. Busy. Toys. Washing. Hugs. Love. Kisses. Siblings. Cuteness. Family.

          My mind boggles. I told DH I'm just as worried and some days thinking I'm crazy. But then .... it's still there.

          I can't say he's not doing this for me. He probably is. But I'm not physically forcing him to DTD when the time comes. As I said previously I'm not doing this in secret. He knows how it happens!!

          I think our 'breakthrough' if you can call it that because it was more gradual really. Was me saying to him "why". I want your reasons why it's no. Then we can work through (if they were things we could change or control) or simply put our fears and concerns on the table. Half the time I was like "me too! I'm worried about that too!"

          I think he realized that I wasn't just going mad. I'd thought it through too. I had the same concerns. I didn't have rose colored glasses on.

          We then ticked off some of the 'we will be old parents' 'poor kid' 'too tired for attention' crap. It'll keep us young and we have our older kids to buffer that. You do what you've got to do.

          'Not ready' to start over. We were never ready before either. When are you ready for a life change. Whatever. When it the right time etc. Never really.

          Then hubby got to: I don't know why I can't get behind this. I couldn't help with that one!

          So had to let that sit.

          I'm not pretending it was all nice calm talk. I had some tantrums. Not proud.

          Then I dropped it. Not like I said ok not happening. I kept my preparations going. But I stopped hassling him for an answer. Let it sit with 'not no' but 'not yes'

          We went on holidays. We were around people that meant we couldn't talk about it openly. 2 weeks with very little talk about babies.

          We were camping. Hubby loves it. Wants to buy a caravan.

          There were kids everywhere. Including babies and toddlers. Some coping well. Others not (crying etc.). I said on one or two occasions. Oh, they are coping with a bub here. Or similar.

          DH says 'but you said you'd never camp with bottles and nappies' I had said that years earlier.

          It hit me that he thinks another bub means life as we know it will stop.

          That's where I need to compromise. I said. Yes I did say that. But now I'm telling you / committing to you: I will camp still. I will make it work.

          Stuff like that. Indicating that I know there will be sacrifices but I also am willing to compromise as it is important that we are both happy. Well actually ALL happy because the other kids love camping too.

          Anyway. Novel here but I think this is how we've worked it out: talk, honesty, fears, feelings and compromise.

          Hope this helps.

          Comment


          • #6
            Nothing peeves me more, than the NO vote always winning. Like if you want a baby, he never said no, led you on, through all the tests and everything and then suddenly says NO now, I'd be mightily peeved as well.
            "This too, shall pass."

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks for the support [MENTION=146240]**********[/MENTION].

              My DH has since come around. I wrote my initial post when I was very upset and hadn't given myself time to even think straight.

              But I get what you mean. It feels so helpless when one partner says no.

              Unfortunately it does feel like the no vote always wins - but I guess that's how it is with this sort of thing because you can't physically do it alone!!!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Hopefulat40 View Post
                Hi [MENTION=59690]Sevven[/MENTION]

                Sorry to hear you are facing this issue too.

                Look, I still can't say for certain that my DH is 1000% comfortable. But I told him I was scared too!

                After 10 years! And the not knowing whether my body can do it. And the fear of possible disappointment.

                Yes, we do see a light at the end of the tunnel etc. I see it too!!!! [emoji102]

                I am the main income earner. I have a career. It's probably just getting back on track.

                We are pretty financially stable but still have a pretty big mortgage etc.

                So many reasons to hesitate. Yes I get worried even typing this.

                But the desire. The what ifs. The tragic things happening in the world. Losses experienced by close friends etc. that's what counts.

                I don't love my career more than my kids. I'm also not giving it up. I'll be back to work. Yes it will be a set back. But I can live with where I'm at in my career and income if it plateaus.

                Sleep deprivation. Crying. Poo. Morning sickness. School lunches. Tantrums. Mess. Busy. Toys. Washing. Hugs. Love. Kisses. Siblings. Cuteness. Family.

                My mind boggles. I told DH I'm just as worried and some days thinking I'm crazy. But then .... it's still there.

                I can't say he's not doing this for me. He probably is. But I'm not physically forcing him to DTD when the time comes. As I said previously I'm not doing this in secret. He knows how it happens!!

                I think our 'breakthrough' if you can call it that because it was more gradual really. Was me saying to him "why". I want your reasons why it's no. Then we can work through (if they were things we could change or control) or simply put our fears and concerns on the table. Half the time I was like "me too! I'm worried about that too!"

                I think he realized that I wasn't just going mad. I'd thought it through too. I had the same concerns. I didn't have rose colored glasses on.

                We then ticked off some of the 'we will be old parents' 'poor kid' 'too tired for attention' crap. It'll keep us young and we have our older kids to buffer that. You do what you've got to do.

                'Not ready' to start over. We were never ready before either. When are you ready for a life change. Whatever. When it the right time etc. Never really.

                Then hubby got to: I don't know why I can't get behind this. I couldn't help with that one!

                So had to let that sit.

                I'm not pretending it was all nice calm talk. I had some tantrums. Not proud.

                Then I dropped it. Not like I said ok not happening. I kept my preparations going. But I stopped hassling him for an answer. Let it sit with 'not no' but 'not yes'

                We went on holidays. We were around people that meant we couldn't talk about it openly. 2 weeks with very little talk about babies.

                We were camping. Hubby loves it. Wants to buy a caravan.

                There were kids everywhere. Including babies and toddlers. Some coping well. Others not (crying etc.). I said on one or two occasions. Oh, they are coping with a bub here. Or similar.

                DH says 'but you said you'd never camp with bottles and nappies' I had said that years earlier.

                It hit me that he thinks another bub means life as we know it will stop.

                That's where I need to compromise. I said. Yes I did say that. But now I'm telling you / committing to you: I will camp still. I will make it work.

                Stuff like that. Indicating that I know there will be sacrifices but I also am willing to compromise as it is important that we are both happy. Well actually ALL happy because the other kids love camping too.

                Anyway. Novel here but I think this is how we've worked it out: talk, honesty, fears, feelings and compromise.

                Hope this helps.
                Thank you so very much for your amazing reply!
                I really appreciate it ❤️

                Comment

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