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Kids need training not taming
Bub Hub E-Newsletter, November 2005, Issue 41 - Article 2



Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine writes "Kids need training not taming".

"I’m sick of it", Rachel cried, "he just won't do as he's told and some days I really hate him now. I've tried being nice, talking softly, asking nicely, ignoring him when he thinks it's a big joke. I've tried yelling, smacking but nothing's working. I can't take him shopping, to friends, yet day care says he's a really good kid. What's going on?"

Rachel sobbed uncontrollably, she had always wanted kids, her little daughter was fine but Toby was making her become the sort of mother she dreaded, too much like her own mum.

There were lots of issues ?Rachel's expectations, baby daughter preoccupation, dad's endless hours of occupation, and no family nearby for support. All these, including dad's support, had to be addressed so Rachel got back the balance between her parenting role, which had burnt out, her own adult needs for herself and her soul, and her own inner child needs to have time off for fun, laughter and exercise to release the endorphins that are nature's anti-depressant.

But her management needed a total overhaul. Rachel was trying to use force, verbal and physical, to make Toby "be good"! That's not how good kids grow. Kids copy! Instead of power over, Rachel had to use the power she already had within herself, for good. Instead of trying to tame the bad behaviour, she had to train good behaviour. Instead of harsh punishment she had to use natural and logical consequences, broken down to little kid's level ?not threats, not lectures, not guilt trips, not trying to get him to see how unfair he was being ?little kids don't care.

 

I can honestly say that Rachel, along with hundreds of others in her situation, achieved tremendous changes using my Reparations model treatment program. In essence its features are these:

  • The focus of Reparations is relationship management rather than behaviour management

  • The intention is to restore co-operation by management of consequences not by punishing lack of co-operation

  • The strength of the model is it works from the power within the parent rather than the power the parent tries to exert over the child

  • The long-term goal is to raise empathetic humans who are aware and attuned to the impact of their behaviour on others and how to repair damage to relationships.

  • The process is to praise children for co-operation and to indicate to the children (by visual symbol or word) when the parent feels that co-operation has broken down

  • The child then is given precise information as to what they can do to restore co-operation

  • If they don't then the parent, logically, indicates to them that co-operation has broken down and that therefore they can no longer co-operate with things the child wants them to do (play, put on TV, entertain kids' friends etc)

  • As parents do so much for children then that limited and targeted strike action then puts pressure on the child to restore the co-operative arrangement so that their needs can be met

  • If the child doesn't want or doesn't know how to produce the necessary behaviour to repair, then in the case of pre-school children, the parent trains/teaches those behaviours, again and again if necessary, to get a new co-operative behavioural sequence understood and higher in the behavioural repertoire than the old inappropriate one. In primary aged children, the training would be less physical and more by way of discussion and time-out to reconsider behavioural alternatives. In high school children, where appropriate and inappropriate behaviours are known, then the reparation would be by self-reflection and choice of appropriate reparative behaviours.

  • If on subsequent occasions the old uncooperative behaviour emerges then more rehearsal or discussion or time out or withdrawal of parental co-operation is used to effect change in behaviour.

  • The means of conveying that the parent is offended and seeks reparation, changes with age ?in preschool children, still at the pre-moral stage of development, good and bad behaviour is determined by reactions of others, particularly parents. So I use the magnetic happy/sad fridge faces I have designed to communicate the breakdown in co-operation without having to shout or smack. When the child is being deliberately unco-operative the sad face goes on top of the happy face and the child is told what behaviour has made the parent sad, and what the parent would like the child to do to get the happy face back. For primary aged children the faces still prove useful, but would be backed with words and ideas about what behaviour was unacceptable and what they can do to repair. With high school children, rarely are the faces used; "not happy Jan" type phrase can be used entirely with description of what behaviour has offended and discussion about what behaviour can repair the co-operative arrangement.

Rachel is a real case. She and Toby and dad are functioning much better as a family unit now. No child can topple a confident couple.

Article kindly supplied by:
Dr John Irvine
website: www.drjohnirvine.com
location: The READ Clinic, 54 Hills Street, Gosford, NSW 2250
ph: (02) 4324 6633
 
If you’d like to know how to use the Reparations system yourself, get hold of the new DVD simply called "Reparations" from the website or simply phone the clinic.



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