Kathy Walker, author of the latest release to hit the bookshelves, Parenting, shares with us her top strategies for managing challenging
behaviour.

Discipline simply refers to rules and limits to behaviour. Discipline is not, as some people mistakenly believe, a set of punishments that are delivered each time something goes wrong, such as banishing children to their room, withdrawing their privileges or smacking them.

Hitting/slapping Children is Unnecessary

Parents who hit their children often make comments such as, 'Well, that was the way I was disciplined and it didn't do me any harm.' This sets off alarm bells for me because it means an adult is simply using past experiences to justify their parenting strategies without reflecting on whether they are effective or even in the best interests of their children.

The most common arguments put forward by those who think parents should be allowed to hit their children go like this:

• 'It is the parents' right to decide how to raise and discipline their children.'
• ’A little slap across the hand won't do any long-term damage either physically or emotionally.'
• 'I was hit when I was a child and it didn't do me any harm.'
• 'We are being too soft with children these days. A little slap helps to keep them in their place.'
• 'Hitting is the only thing that works with my child.'

It is now recognised in many parts of the world that hitting is a cruel, unnecessary and inappropriate practice. It is also hypocritical, given that all adults tell children they must not hit others. I have witnessed parents hitting children in the street saying, 'Don't hit your little brother!'

Sometimes parents say, 'It's just a little slap. It doesn't really hurt them, it just gives them a fright, and they never do it again.' The child mayor may not repeat the inappropriate behaviour, but they will feel shamed, humiliated and resentful. The fact is, there are many other ways to deal with misbehaviour that are kinder, easier and more effective.

Parents who hit children most often lash out in this way when they are angry or at the end of their tether and don't know what else to do. Hitting in anger is not productive and simply gives children the impression that when people are angry they are allowed to hurt others.

It is not acceptable to hit or physically hurt anyone at any time. Most societies recognise this and have laws to protect their citizens from harm. Physical assault is called domestic violence when it happens between two adults in a home. It is called a criminal act or abuse when it happens in public. Some countries have now made hitting children a criminal offence. Other countries have instigated quite vigorous campaigns to discourage parents from hitting their children.

But even if hitting were somehow acceptable, it would still be totally unnecessary. This is because hitting is ineffective parenting. There are many constructive and longer term strategies that are far more successful - particularly the use of consequences.

Why the Naughty Corner Doesn't Work

'Time out' is a strategy that is often used in con junction with the' naughty chair' or the 'naughty corner'. The idea is to stop the child behaving in a particular way by moving them to another place - the theory being that the child will not wish to be in this place and therefore will change their behaviour. Even if it is disguised as 'the thinking corner' or 'the thinking chair', this punishment uses humiliation or exclusion to stop the behaviour in the short term. It is also used as a threat.

Labels such as 'bad' or 'naughty' shame and humiliate children. Even when this strategy is framed as a request for children to 'sit and think about what they have done and then apologise', it is inappropriate. Firstly, children sent to this place will never really think about their behaviour and will usually feel resentful. Secondly, children may say sorry to placate an angry parent even when they don't feel sorry at all. If we expect children to apologise whether or not they are sorry, all we are doing is teaching them to lie.

Many parents claim that time out 'works', but this doesn't make it a form of pro active parenting. Certainly sending a child away from where they have misbehaved will stop the misbehaviour in the short term. It won't, however, address the underlying causes of the behaviour. Also, it is using punishment rather than consequence to change behaviour. Children need to see that their behaviour has consequences. Time out often builds anger and in the long term does not reduce or extinguish the undesirable behaviours.

What about rewards and bribes?

How often have you heard yourself or other parents say things like this:

• 'If you're good, I'll buy you a treat.'
• 'If you don't tease your sister, you can play Xbox.'

Children should not feel that they are loved more when they do more jobs around the house, noticed more when they are helping and being 'good', or okay and acceptable to their parents only when they agree with everything their parents say. If that were the case, the parents' love or acceptance would be conditional, and the child would come to feel that their own lovableness was based upon what they did, not who they were.

Everyone, not just children, needs to feel loved and accepted for who they are, not what they do or what they believe. While we can be angry with our children's behaviour (or, indeed, that of family and friends) and we can disagree with some of their choices, they need always to know that they are loved and accepted.

A child who learns to behave appropriately only when someone is watching or only to avoid punishment is not developing a code of moral conduct for themselves and will not learn to be motivated from within. Using consequences rather than punishment is the most effective way to teach your children intrinsic motivation and appropriate and responsible behaviours.

This extract is from the book, Parenting, written by Kathy Walker, and was used with the author's permission. Parenting will be in bookstores from March 2010.

website:  penguin.com.au

Penguin Books Australia   RRP $32.95