We all have beliefs and ideas about the way things should be. Buddhists believe that it is our attachment to these expectations that leads us to suffering - stress, disappointment, anxiety, anger and so on.
If we can learn to let go of our expectations we are free to take each moment as it comes, to enjoy what we have got rather than focusing on what is missing or not happening.
Learning to let go can involve a number of processes including:
- forgiveness
- gratitude
- becoming humble or
- learning to allow yourself to experience satisfaction
When we let go of expectations, the running commentary in our heads changes. Instead of having an imaginary conversation (or even argument) with your partner about the fact that he has only changed four nappies in the 3 months of your baby's life, you are free to spend your time focusing on your baby's every smile and movement, treasuring each moment they spend gazing back at you.
When my first child was just a baby, so many people said to me 'enjoy it now, they aren't babies for long', and it wasn't until he got to about 4 years old and went off to pre-school that I understood what they meant. Letting go of expectations, our attachment to all of the shoulds frees up headspace to really enjoy 'now'.
Yes, it would be good if my husband changed a few more nappies, but spending my day thinking about it and getting annoyed about it while he's off at work, blissfully unaware of my thoughts and emotions, isn't going to change a thing - except my enjoyment of the day. Instead, I could write myself, or him, a note to remind us that it's his turn this evening (therein lies another issue - it's no good for me to get annoyed that he hasn't changed many nappies if I keep jumping in and changing them without giving him a chance or asking him to do it). As it turns out, I have no problem changing most of the nappies and know that he'll do it if I'm not around or if I ask him to. I have no expectation that he'll do it at other times and therefore no anger or frustration that it doesn't happen.
Sometimes it might be helpful to pretend that someone else is there, saying the things that you are saying to yourself in your mind: "I should be better by now"; "Why can't I cope when everyone else is fine, I must be stupid or crazy". If another person had said some of the things I've said to myself in my mind I would probably have slapped them (or at least wanted to!).
Why do we beat ourselves up, insist that we must be perfect, 'the best mum', 'the best partner', "I shouldn't have said that", "I should have worn something else" and on and on?
Now is the time to let go of some of the rules you have for yourself, the ones you would hate if someone else tried to impose them on you. Now is the time to nurture yourself as lovingly, gently and kindly as you do your children.
- Begin on a good day.
- Decide on a time during the day when you are going to be 'mindful' of the things you say to yourself in your head. An hour is plenty to begin with.
- Every time you become aware that you are being unkind, critical or hard on yourself notice it, maybe even write it down somewhere.
- Then, think about or write down an alternative way of talking to yourself. Think about how you would speak to your partner or child or a relative or close friend who had been having a hard time lately. What would you say to them in the same situation? Try saying this to yourself. Does it feel different? What does it do to your mood?
If you become aware at any time in the future that you are saying the unkind thing to yourself again, remember back to the alternative message and offer it to yourself instead. With time and practice you might notice that the little voice inside your head is much more useful than it used to be.
Other useful things to try to help maintain good mental health during pregnancy and parenthood:
- establish or re-establish a close friendship outside of your home so you have someone to talk intimately with
- join a group that provides you with a social network of some kind (eg. mother's group, women's group or playgroup)
- take care of yourself, including nutrition, exercise, physical health, get regular haircuts or waxing or whatever helps you feel 'well maintained'
- learn and practice breathing and relaxation techniques (such as the rapid relaxation technique outlined below)
- try different therapies, hypnotherapy, massage, homeopathics. If one doesn't suit, try a couple more until you find what works for you
- avoid hangovers and low blood sugar levels (ie. don't binge drink and eat regularly)
- do something nice for yourself everyday (suggestions: take a bath, buy yourself some fresh fruit juice or say something nice to yourself eg "gee I did a really great job of dinner tonight, I'm quite a good cook")
- practice knowing when and how to ask for help
- practice loving kindness towards yourself as well as others
The Rapid Relaxation Technique is a do-anywhere technique for achieving deep relaxation fast.
Practice at work, as a passenger in the car, during TV commercial breaks - anytime you would like to feel the benefits of being fully relaxed, quickly.
The technique will be especially useful:
- Getting back to sleep after feeding or settling baby at night
- During your child's toddler years
- During breast or bottle feeding times
- After any annoyance or irritation
- In other words, generally as a parent.
Technique:
Imagine your body sectioned into 5 zones, as outlined in the following picture.
Take 2 or 3 deep breaths emphasising the breath out, like a sigh. Count backwards to yourself from 5 down to 1, and as you do, allow the muscles in each zone to relax respectively. Feel the tension slip away as the relaxation melts down through your body, each number taking you deeper.
To enhance the experience, try counting each number as you exhale, still using the sigh type breaths if you can. You can do this standing up, lying down and with eyes open or closed. It is also a great relaxation technique to teach children and many dads have told me how useful it is at work.
Practice as often as you like, the more you practice the easier and faster and more deeply relaxed you will become.
This article was kindly provided by Dr Shari Read of Birthskills