I am very pro sex. I know it has amazing health benefits. I know it can elevate your mood and boost your energy levels. And I know it’s an important part of a long and happy relationship. But I don’t always think it’s a good idea.
Are you one of the women who counts the days (or even weeks) since you last had sex so guilt can tell you when it’s time to do it again? Or maybe it’s your partner who counts and lets you know? The pressure builds up on both of you and eventually, you feel like you just can’t put it off any longer and give in with ‘pity sex’ or a ‘pity BJ’?
If you’re lucky, you’ll realise that you actually enjoyed yourself and wonder why you don’t do it more often.
Or, you might dislike every minute but do it just to keep the peace in the house?
You not wanting to have sex tells you something.
For some women, it tells them that they’re overtired and need some time to themselves. For others it tells them they need more self-care in the form of exercise and a healthy diet. It might tell you that something isn’t right in your relationship. Or it might tell you that you have negative emotions and thoughts associated with sex.
Grudgingly giving in to pity sex just to keep the peace might be a great bandaid, but it just isn’t going to lead to a satisfying sex life for either of you in the long term. In fact, what it probably will lead to is resentment (from both of you) and a dislike of sex.
I do want to be clear that there’s a difference between ‘not really being in the mood but being okay with having sex because you care about your partner and want him to be happy’ and ‘having sex because you know it will end in a fight if you don’t’.
If you end up feeling resentful or angry after sex, then it’s time to look at what the underlying issues are and talk to someone about it. It probably indicates that there are deeper issues in the relationship that require your attention.
If you don’t look at those deeper issues, the bandaid of pity-sex isn’t going to work forever. The tension and resentment will continue to build and you’ll find yourself and your partner drifting further apart.
You deserve to be happy and so does your partner. You can take action to improve your relationship.