SOS - help making a decision with step situation

[stumped]

Okay brace yourself for the short long version.
Recently my Ex purposely tracked me down and we got back in touch and spent some really high quality time together. Anyway we were each others first loves. We broke up because we grew up and life drew us in other directions. No ill feeling or anything. Along the way life has constantly drawn us back to each other.
As a result the mother of his kids hates me and father of my kids hates him. Purely because we exist and have the bond there that seemed to be unbreakable.
Anyway as soon as I became a mother I purposely cut contact with him and this past summer we came together again after 8 years of seperation.
He ended his relationship 4 years ago and Im at the end of my teether with my relationship. Things are just not getting better. Anyway thats another story....lets just say we are on our way out and discussing the best way to do it for our kids.
Anyway the Ex is spewing his feelings for me out everywhere, I still have really strong feelings for him but cant help but fret over the possible step situation that will ensue.
She has fulltime care and he has open visitation. The same sort of thing that will happen within my situation.
I know DP will not be happy if I take up with him, not because hes a bad guy or anything but because DP hates the invisible threat this guy was to our relationship.
The Exs ex-partner will spew as well. Now she is quite vindictive. In the past (before I had kids and their first son was almost 1 - no they werent together at the time) she has blackmailed the ex with threats of taking his son away from him, posted bogus charges of battery at court (which she later tried to withdraw once I decided there was too much drama in the whole situation and left it) more recently they had a situation where the ex paid school fees, spent $1G on clothing for both kids, bought all school supplies for both of them and then gave the mother $250 for expenses so she could take their son to the hospital for a pre-op check (banning the Ex from coming with them, it seems she only wanted the money) and then the son blurted out that he had been at the lake with daddy and his friend *insert my name* all of a sudden theres a formal request for child support including arrears back to the day the child was born (9years) despite the fact that she lived with the dad for 5 of those years.
See at the moment I wont say anything to him about it because it has no personal bearing on me. But I will most definitely not stand for this if we are to become a couple and this is what worries me....so okay this is probably sounding more like a rant now.
The thing is I really do have strong feelings for this guy and I know he has genuine strong feelings for me. I think without all the fuss from Exs we would be prefect together.
Ive tried time and time again to try and talk myself into walking away from him. But Im scared that after all this time this is it.....our one and only chance to work things out and see where it goes.
What am I supposed to do?

[Angelmist♥]

I think you should follow your heart and deal with the consequences as they come.It does sound like your ex's won't be happy but seriously you'll have to move on at some point.

[IheartOman]

If you love him go for it. If you don't you'll be wondering what if and that is a horrible way to live.

[stumped]

Hmm interesting, I expected an overwhelming 'Its not worth it' response.

PN - I actually have nothing against her. I would love it if we could not necesarily be besties but get along for the sake of everyone.
She is actually in another relationship, has been for about 2 years. They are currently pregnant for a second time (we are unsure what happened with the first pregnancy according to the kids 'the baby died' their words. If thats so my heart goes out to her)
My Ex found out about the current pregnancy via a mutual friend. She apparently has even been hiding it from the kids in a bid to hide it from our Ex. I dont get it. He dosnt have any issues with her getting pregnant again, he has no issues with her current bf as he puts it 'he is good to my kids and that all that matters'.
So all I can see is that she is clinging onto something.
You know Im the kind of person who would never put my kids in the line of fire and never place adult burdens on their shoulders. Whatever happens between their dad and I is to stay between us.
Im also not a wicked stepmum type of person, I would never get between my ex and his kids and they would get treated and be as welcome in my home as my kids are.
Thats not the issue.
The issue I have is having to deal with blackmail as a result of something I had no control over. You know I walked away from that situation way back then because when I made the commitment to have my kids I made the commitment to not have any baggage that could ruin our family.
I also saw the drama that was surrounding my Exs son and the look on that poor wee babys face when his mother wrenched him off the ground by his wrist and swung him 180degrees around in the middle of anger at the fact that the ex was with me. She once again had a bf at the time and was the first to move on.
This is what worries me.
If she has really moved on and willing to let sleeping dogs lie not just for the sake of her kids but mine will get caught up in it as well.
Although my kids dad wouldnt be happy if my ex and I got back together (this would be a slooow process btw no instant roomies here) I know he wouldnt make a personal vendetta out of it.
Past experience says to me that she will....although the majority happened 8 years ago - alot has happened over the last 4 months and the ex and I arent even a couple or doing anything but sabotage has started

[stumped]

Sorry I just re-read PNs post again.
I know that I was obviously a threat to her and the future of her relationship. Even without my directly being there and present or having any type of contact with the Ex.
I personally would not have stayed in a relationship with someone who so obviously had an attachment to someone else. But then that is just me.
Unlike my Ex I was totally and utterly committed to my DP and our children. I never once reminisced and the only reason I agreed to coffee this time was because I honestly thought after 8 years of avoiding him and not thinking about him I was totally over it. It only took him to wrap his arms around my waist and hug me from behind, feeling a tear on my cheek (his not mine) and him telling me 'I never want to loose you again' for me to know i was in trouble. I then wished I hadnt come for the coffee.
Of course Im now the brakes in this situation. As my cousin (the only person Ive turned to in this whole situation for help & who knows our entire history) said Ive had not just 2nd & 3rd thoughts but 5th 6th and 7th. Thats why I thought I would post annon in here for an on the fence point of view.
With regards to the kids mother, I can understand where she is coming from, I can sympathise, but Im not willing to allow her to terrorise me and my children because of hate she might carry around.
*sigh* what have I gotten myself into

[motherlylove]

follow you heart

[oleander]

Does your DP know that your relationship with him is over?

[stumped]

Trust me slow is the only speed Im going to be moving at. My DP and I splitting is going to be hard enough and a big adjustment for everyone.
This decision has nothing to do with the situation stated in this thread.
Leilas mummy - Yes we both were in denial for quite a while but have come to accept that it is best for our children. Our eldest has seen more than her little eyes and ears ever should have. When it starts to look like daddy is going to start up again she takes her baby sibling into the room to escape what she thinks is about to happen.

I just dont know what to do. I guess some help in dealing with difficult mothers/expartners from a step parents point of view? Just to give me some hope that it isnt all bad?

[EmsMum72]

I think there's no point staying in a relationship just for the sake of trying to keep your kids happy, especially if you're miserable and unhappy. The kids will pick up on this and will only make them miserable and unhappy too, and as much as you need to do what's best for your kids, you need to do what's best for YOU too. Kids are so resilient, they will probably cope better than you do. Sounds like you have really strong feelings for your ex, and possibly 'fate' has brought you 2 back together and it's your destiny. It sounds like your ex's ex still has feelings for him by the way she's acting. Or maybe she doesn't want him anymore, but doesn't want anyone else to have him either (especially you, lol). As for the kids, if my DH and I ever split up and there was another woman involved I would hate it. I would hate the thought of another woman comforting my child when she hurt herself, tucking her into bed at night, and I would hate the thought of my DD telling another woman (motherly figure) that she loved her . I am the only mummy! I've never been in that situation, but it sounds like there's alot of emotional stuff going on, especially with your ex's ex, but I do still think you should follow your heart, as most of the other ladies have said, the rest will sort itself out! Goodluck

[stumped]

Ems mum. Thanks for your reply.
The reason I have stuck it out so long with DP was 'for the sake of the kids' but when I see what my eldest does when anticipating a fight I know this isnt the environment for them and that possibly whats best for them isnt trying to hold a family that dosnt work together. Although its always hard to walk away from the dream that you once had of being a family forever.
Im also starting to feel my age and being in a relationship and being unhappy for so long all I wonder is how many more times Im going to do this before I turn around and Im 40 with the best part of my life having dissapeared.

See Im different. If my DP met someone else I would prefer that he made sure it was the real deal before letting her meet the kids. But I would also like to get along with her for the sake of the kids. Im their mummy and no one can replace that...Im quite confident that as their mother I cant be replaced and that this other person can only really walk in the door and become nothing more than just a really good friend who would look after them and protect them just as any other family member would and thats whats important to me.

I think of all the situations where you need to not be selfish and not make it all about you but about your kids then this is definitely the most important. This all comes from the fact that my parents seperated when I was a teen and I had 2 younger brothers and I hated the stuff we were put through as a result of our parents making it all about them and therefore putting us in the middle.

I do wonder whether his ex still has feelings for him. I have no doubt he was her first serious relationship and of course they have two kids.
Apparently this resentment has been saved for me, based on her not liking the other gfs but she wasnt as vindictive as she is being because Im there.
Im not here to hurt her or show her up, the feelings I have about/for my Ex has nothing to do with her personally at all. But she acts as though it is all completely about her.
My world isnt that small and my life isnt that boring that Im infatuated with her and destroying her family like she thinks (despite it ending long before I came along again and that she is starting another one with someone else).
I do think that I was an invisible threat to her....invisible in the fact that I wasnt actually there doing anything. The last time the ex called me I was purposely extremely nasty to him so that he would leave me alone. His ex is actually friends with my cousin and has told my family member stories about my being a stalker (my cousin knows better, that its never me initiating contact and that I purposely cut all ties with him) she has also told my cousin things in an effort to put me off talking to my ex.
I just dont know that this is all worth the drama. I know I have the right to be happy too but I wouldnt be happy in a situation thats full of agro and it would really upset me to have my kids and their kids put in the middle of it all.
I think this could have all the makings of being the worst step situation in the world just because of this one person.