How did you feel after your VBAC?

**Shanaynay** · 29-04-2007 16:13

Hi everyone,

3 years ago I had a traumatic labour and birth ending in a cesection. PND and PTSD for several months afterwards. Always knew the next baby, I would try for a VBAC, and if I succeeded I thought it would 'heal' me....

Well I did get my VBAC

and I don't know what I felt afterwards... I felt numb.... nothing. I didn't feel like I expected to. I didn't feel bad about it, I just didn't feel good about it. If that makes sense. I just felt nothing.

So 3 years on I am STILL having trouble coming to terms with my csec, even though I've had a VBAC. I don't understand why. Why hasn't it 'healed' me.... I don't understand why I feel like this and why I wasn't overjoyed after my VBAC.

I was just wondering how other felt after their VBAC, how did you think you would feel, and did you feel like you expected.

**rollercoastermum** · 29-04-2007 16:19

Hi there

Firstly here's a

for you.
I am sorry but I dont have much useful info for you.
But I wanted to say that I hope that with more time you begin to feel better.
I had a c/s and then 3yrs later a VBAC and that was sucessful but may have been due to my sheer determination to suceed.
Have you had any type of counselling about this?
If not do you think it will help?

Wishing you well.

**becca74** · 30-04-2007 12:23

This is a very good thread, as it is extremely important and it is something which has to be accepted in the journey to a vbac, that a good birth doesnt heal a bad birth. Just like having good consensual sex isnt going to heal you from a previous rape experience.

**The silver lining, though, is that having had a bad birth does not mean that you will never have a good birth

**

If anything, all a vbac does is answer some questions surrounding your previous c/sec/s, and if anything, it opens a pandoras box of more questions surrounding your c/sec/s, as well as give you a normal birth experience...one that is healthiest for you and bubs

In my case, inside my Pandora's box was the certainty that I was indeed given unnecessary surgery, and that has been a tremendous blow. At least if I'd needed another c/sec, then it would have meant that my 2nd c/sec wasnt totally meaningless (though they didnt need to traumatise me by giving me a negative experience, remember with DS1 I knew how positive a c/sec could be). But as I discovered, not only was I treated badly, I was given major abdominal surgery for no reason other than their impatience?/incompetence?/lack of faith?.

It has made me more angry, and I know that I am going to have to do something about this anger as it is effecting my life.

So the healing continues, but as I said, it doesnt have to stop you having more babies, and it doesnt stop you from having ecstatic birth experiences!

**lukaelmo** · 30-04-2007 12:36

I felt brilliant, on top of the world... I did it... I had absolutely not expected to be able to.

I was so proud of myself... I still feel that way, I look at bubba and think, wow, I popped him out, just like I was supposed to. And in a way it has made the c/s better, it has made up for it...

I am sorry it hasn't done so for you...

**becca74** · 30-04-2007 13:08

God-willing you will continuously feel this way Ali....

I felt on top of the world for about 6 months, till the reality of what my HBA2C meant in regards to my past surgerys. I had an 'oh-my-God' moment where it dawned on me the injustice that had been done to me, and was/is still being done to women on a daily basis.

Everyone deals with it differently, and hopefully we will get to a place of healing, or at least gaining more peace over the events...

But to women out there fresh from your VBAC, we have noticed at Birthrites, that women go through a hyper-energised excitement surrounding their vbacs (I have heard many midwives joke about their vbac women, and how they have to remind them to rest, as they are extra hyper than women who just have a vb)... generally, half move on within this excitement and get on with life, but half seem to suddenly be faced with huge realisations about their previous births.... It may be a lot to do with the issues surrounding the original surgery.

After my 1st vbac, I had no negativity towards my 1st c/sec, as I figured that, at the time, it was necessary, and just a 'bleep' in my birthing journey. So if a c/sec is done positively and for the right reasons, usually a vbac'ing woman wont recollect it with continuing grief.

But if the C/sec was unnecessary and/or you were treated badly during/after etc, it can lead to more resentment. I do look at my DS3 and grieve the birth experience that we could have had, that was stolen from us. The fact that I know it was stolen from us makes it harder to deal with, the fact that they werent saving our lives, they just defiled the birth process and the first meeting/bonding between me and him.

So women dont feel bad for experiencing negativity about your past c/secs, it is normal, and is to be expected.

**flib** · 30-04-2007 19:29

I felt fantastic after my VBACs but I still feel incredibly sad about my son's birth. Having experienced normal physiological birth was brilliant but in some ways it made me see just how bad my first labour and c-section was! I can't fix that even though I put a lot of time, money and emotional energy into my VBACs.

I hope you can find a way to feel better about your births. Time has helped and having 3 kids keeps my mind on other things. I don't expect to ever feel 'good' about the experience but I certainly feel better than I did in the early years.

Best wishes