4 year old scared at Xmas

[W & T's sleepy mummy]

Hi, I was hoping someone could give me advice for my 4 year old Will. I'll try tell the short version.

I separated from my ex when Will was 12 weeks old coz he was violent. I allowed him supervised access after that. On Xmas day 2002, ex came round to see his son. He got angry over something or other and then threatened to, and tried to kill me. Poor bubs was inside smashing on the door trying to get outside to mummy to help. Ex finally left, and I calmed bubba down and got him to sleep. We didnt see him for another 6 months, till he started stalking us - but that's another story!

I have kept monitoring Will, coz I did not know how much he would remember - only being 1 and all, and things seemed to be going fine. I was going to tell him when he was older, and get some help for him then, but this year, after we put the Xmas tree up, he started having nightmares. He says that mummy is hurt and Will can't help her. Our mouths are both full of 'red' and he ends by crying and saying 'he doesn't want to be a baby again'. I am going to get him assessed in the New Year (offices all shut now!), but was hoping there was someone out there who had perhaps been in a similar situation and noticed an 'anniversary effect'.

I've made a 'dream fairy' and that seems to have helped a bit, but other suggestions would be really, really welcome. I just want him to be able to enjoy Xmas - not be scared of it.

[OM]

I am sorry I can't help with any advice. But I do feel for your poor little fella.

[W & T's sleepy mummy]

Thanks Oscar's mum! Tis nice to get a reply I think its such a nasty subject that no one wants to touch it - and fair enuff too!

[OM]

I just wish I could give you some advice, perhaps if it keeps gettting bumped up someone with some/any advice might stumble on it!

[LilShenanigans]

I haven't exactly been in the same situation, but there's a feeling of reoccurance that I remember.

My dad has a tendency to walk very loudly, and growing up our bedroom was next to the bathroom, and even if we were playing and hadn't done anything wrong, if we heard dads footsteps coming towards the bedroom we would both freeze and be 'poo' scared.
The reason was he used to belt us, and even did it for stupid little reasons.

We never got over it, and I think to a point it still scares us (we are though now on very good terms with our dad!).

The fear may have stopped when my sister sought legal advice, got a solicitor and told dad he was 'screwed'.

I think a good thing to tell your son would be that everything is fine, his dad isn't coming back. I think another good thing is what you've done with the dream fairy, maybe an addition to that would be something you could call his guardian fairy, and tell him it'll protect him from all bad things... But also get one for yourself and say it'll protect you too.

He wants to know that he will be alright, and that you aren't going anywhere... and for such a young child just the simple comforts are enough, but in the new year a counselling service would be good.
If possible get the police involved and ask them if they tell your son that it's all safe and they are there to protect you both.

I think that's my ideas done? hope it goes well

[elissas]

Hi,

I feel you're already on a good path with the fairy!

My husband is a hypnotherapist and has seen stuff like this come up in age regression sessions with clients. Hypnotherapy provides a medium to access our subconscious - all our memories - allowing us to let them go and create new associations around them.

Your little one is a little young for hypnosis, but the beauty of his age is that you can help him while he is still young. For children under the age of about 7, a program called Sleeptalk is recommended in place of traditional hypnotherapy. It works on the same philosophies though, is very gentle and is more about gentle positive reinforcement, breaking patterns and creating new belief systems.

You'll find it on numerous websites - maybe start with http://www.sleeptalk.com.au/

The book (which includes a CD) are available in the parenting section of some bookshops, and most bigger bookshops will order it in for you. You may also choose to see a hypnotherapist in your area who can help you create a script specific to Will's situation.

BTW - Will is the name we've chosen for our little one if it's a boy (due in a week!)

Good luck, and take care.

Lis xo

[W & T's sleepy mummy]

Thank you all so much for your advice, and for sharing some things with me that may be hard to discuss. I wish you all the best for Xmas, and the coming new year. Now i must run and be santa clause - a mother's work is never done!