Where it all went wrong.....my story

[mum2my4]

I remember feeling off all day. Very tired, not hungry, pain in a part of my stomach that was really tender. I had a feeling something was going to happen. Just before 8pm I was driving to pick DH up when I felt a pain and I knew that I would be having my baby that night. The pains started coming every 5 minutes and I was really scared I knew that something was wrong. We rang the hospital and were told to come straight in.

We got to the hospital just after 9pm. My contractions were not showing up on the monitor but they started getting closer together. I was told I would have to be transferred to another hospital by ambulance and was given steroids to help mature the baby’s lungs.

The baby’s heart rate dropped below 100bpm and I had to move position which picked his heart rate up. I was giving something to stop the contractions. I was given an ultrasound which showed that the baby was head down and told we would be ok to go to RNSH by ambulance. The baby’s heart rate kept dropping and the ambulance officers were at the door waiting to take me, the midwife and the Dr were arguing about transferring me the midwife didn’t want me to go anywhere, the Dr wanted me to go, my babies heartrate kept dropping and so they decided to do a emergency caesarean.

All of a sudden I remember lots of people coming in and explaining what would happen during the caesarean and the statistics for survival for 28wks gestation. DS was born just after midnight and weighed 1240grams. NETS came by Childflight and spent 4 hours stabilizing him for transport by helicopter to RNSH NICU.

I couldn’t believe that I had my baby and I was so scared that he wasn’t going to live. I don’t remember much only waking up and asking if he was alive and a boy. I asked for DH to come see me and was then taken to see DS. I just remember how tiny he was and how much stuff was on him. I was taken back to the ward just after 4.30am and DS was flown to RNSH.

I remember being in a state of shock and I just could not believe that I had a baby. I felt completely overwhelmed as I knew it would be a long haul until I took him home. They say that if the baby survives the first 24hrs he will survive the first week. My biggest fear was that DS was going to die and I would never have held him alive or memorised what he looked like.

I remember feeling completely wiped out and learnt that I had lost a lot of blood as the placenta had abrupted. We were told that if I had gone in the ambulance DS and I would have both died as I had been bleeding heavily internally and DS’s O2 supply was diminishing. The midwife would not have been able to save us.

All day they tried to get me a bed at RNSH and they couldn’t. I remember thinking that I hadn’t felt my baby move that day as I thought I was still pregnant. I held it together for most of the first day but completely lost it on the second day as they still couldn’t get me a bed. Eventually after 2 days DH drove me down in the car so I could see Aidan. I was in so much pain, I felt mutilated, I felt like I had been knocked out and my baby had been stolen from me. I couldn’t walk and could hardly get out of bed. DH had to shower me. I felt as if I had been suffering separation anxiety from DS and I couldn’t remember what he looked like.


I was in so much pain but all I wanted was my DS. They updated me about his condition every few hours but none of it made any sense to me. In a lot of ways it was like I didn’t have a baby. I wish I had given birth to him. I went to sleep pregnant and woke up and he was gone.

I can’t really remember seeing him for the first time at RNSH, but I remember I couldn’t look at him long, because it made me physically sick to see this tiny little baby just laying there so lifeless and it didn’t feel as if he was mine as I hadn’t given birth to him. His skin was very moist and shiny and red and he almost looked plastic. His fingers and toes didn’t look properly formed. 5 or 10 minutes at a time was all I could manage. I couldn’t stop crying because we didn’t know if there was anything wrong with him.

I first held him when he was 5 days old, it took 2 nurses to get him out of the humidicrib and he was placed on a pillow and really I held the pillow. It was such an effort to get him out for a hold and we could only hold him for 5 -10 minutes.

My DS was on breathing support for 5 weeks he spent 6 weeks in Intensive Care and 2.5 wks in Special Care. He spent his first xmas in hospital 9 days old and in intensive care.

When he was in Sydney I only got to see him twice a week. I feel so robbed of the last 12 weeks of my pregnancy, my birth, and the early bonding that every mother deserves.

People tell me I should be thankful he is alive and that should be enough. I am thankful every single day that he is here. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less when I think about his birth. I feel like saying to everyone who says that to me, when did you watch your child on life support struggling for every breath? Not knowing if they will make it through the day, not knowing if they would die before you got to the hospital to say goodbye? It still hurts and it hurts bad.

[danielle13]

to you, you deserve it.

What a scary time for you, I can't imagine having the strength for that.
Thankyou for sharing your story.

[~Emmylou~]

My goodness sweetheart what a story

I'm glad you're little boy is doing ok now. You have every right to feel the way you do, take all the time you need to work through this, you will make it. There are plenty of willing ears here and shoulders to lean on.

I know how it feels when your baby's birth doesn't go to plan - although mine was nowhere near as dramatic as what you've been through. But yes it does and hurt and I too feel robbed.
Hang in there

[Mummy2Noah]

Oh my GOd you poor thing I cant imgine how you feel Hun I feel robbed as well and mine was only 7 days!!!!!
I hope you can get past the feeling of being robbed its awful feeling this way. I hope your little boy brings lots and lots of Laughter for mummy in the years to come!!!

[danik]

What a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

[Foxymoron]

Huge hugs to you.

Allow yourself to process what happened and greive for the birth you didn't have.

[becca74]

That is all so unfair

What a whirlwind, thank you for sharing such a powerful story with us, something so initmate and raw. I've been frozen in my chair.

Much love to you, and I hope you gradually find little fragments of peace despite such a trauma. In the meantime, liberate yourself to grieve.

[StrawberryTheMilkshake]

How is your baby and you doing now?

[mum2my4]

Thanks for the messages of support.

My son is now just over 2. He is relatively unscarred from his experience. In terms of premmie babies he had a very easy run. We are very fortunate, there are worse stories than mine out there.

I have been having ongoing counselling for the past 2 years. My biggest problem is that there is so much pressure to 'just get over it' yet I don't know how to. I don't enjoy feeling this way, I want to be at peace with it.

I have been doing some research into birth trauma and it says to talk about it, which is why I posted my story, reading other women's stories has helped me.

I am looking forward to the day when this experience haunts me no longer.


Thanks again