i am feeling so down today. I have been getting very upset about my brother lately. Before DS was born i used to pretend i didn't care and i could just forget about my brother, but since DS was born I am starting to loose the ability to put on the act. I can still put it on ok in front of my mother because I don't want her worrying about how upset I am, she is upset enough. But i cant keep the act up in front of DP anymore, and I certainly can't fool myself!

Ok so here's the deal with my brother. He went away for work (about 5 years ago i think) and then all of a sudden he told us he was staying in Ulladulla because he found this lady he liked (thats closer to mums age then his and already has a kid or two but we wont go into that) and ever since then he has been distancing himself from us. For the last 2 -2.5yrs he hasn't spoken to us at all. Well not to me, he has spoken to mum a couple of times but he tries to avoid her calls. I really don't know what I have done. He seemed ok talking to me it was only mum he was mad at ( i think because of her partner at the time, i didn't like him either but i pretended so mum was happy), but then all of a sudden he wouldn't talk to me either!
I tried desperately to get him to talk to me when i was preg, I really want my ds to know his uncle, my family isn't that close and mum and my brother are the only family members that actually wanted to know about us for my entire life, the rest of my family couldn't care less for half of my life. So it is important to me that DS has a closer family then I did.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to give up, but everytime i try to contact him and it fails i just feel so horrible and i dont want to keep going through that.
Im thinking maybe I could pay him a surprise visit then maybe i could actually see him, and maybe my little family can meet him. But im just scared that he will slam the door in my face and i will feel worse than ever before!

Im sorry I just really needed to get that off my chest. Dp is at work and i have no1 to talk to. If you read it all thank you, you deserve a meddle! I know there are people with much bigger problems, but this just is really taking a toll on me.