No support from my mum - help/support please!!!

**Lizola** · 31-01-2007 16:32

Hi

this is an issue that's been around all my life, but I'm feeling it now more than ever as I'm 17 weeks pregnant and on the other side of the world from close friends (I've been here less than 2 yrs)

My family have *never* been emotionally supportive. My Mum, who was a v spoilt youngest child, through what I can only think is jealousy, has been bullying, manipulative and emotionally and psychologically abusive most of my life, my Dad (who I'm close too but like lots of dads not able to offer emotional support) does what he can to avoid attracting her anger - she is a real rager- and my brother takes part in the dynamic that has me as a 'lesser' person.

I've done a lot of work on myself and, apart from suffering anxiety and being very hard on myself, think I'm pretty well rounded and emotionally mature.

Although I cannot trust my Mum, i have found it difficult to separate from her. She reacted to news about my pregnancy by saying 'she's not is she, what does she think she's playing at?' - I'm 35 and have been with my partner for nearly 2 years - and I think cannot accept it because it means I'll finally be a 'woman' and not a child that she can control and bully.

She then claimed she wanted to be supportive, but since I blocked her from my e mail inbox because of repeated, nasty and unkind e mails, last week, she refuses to even speak to me.

Despite the obvious difficulties, and history of not being able to expect any better, this is still hurting and I'm feeling really really alone and punished. I didn't realise that pregnancy, becoming a mother, would make the pain of not having a real, available, caring mother even harder. The worst thing is, it takes me time to build close relationships with women/choose the right women for close relationships, because of this history, and my close friends here can be unreliable and have many problems of their own that keeps them from being supportive - so I feel alone.

Does anyone else out there have mother problems? How do you deal with it? i feel hurt and alone....

Thanks for reading/responding....

Liz

**lil' starlette** · 31-01-2007 17:10

Hi Liz! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!

You must be so excited! I'm so sorry to hear that your mum is like this...it sounds as though you have done a lot of soul searching and are really emotionally intelligent now.

My mum isn't like yours but my parents weren't perfect though. I lot of times they were emotionally absent which sent me off the rails-my dad didn't offer much help and my mum worried but didn't give me the discipline that I craved. And when I had a baby it hurt more and whenever I saw ads with familys on tv,I always cried.

You just have to remind yourself that your parents did the best with what they knew at the time.

I think also that it's a good idea that you have kept contact with your mum minimal lately because if she isn't going to be nice than it will upset you more. Maybe you should go to see a counseller or read a book dealing with these issues-to maybe learn to deal with your feelings better or a new way to approach your mum? It would be ideal if the birth of your new baby could bring you guys together...maybe you should sit her down and have a big talk...

**mytwolilprinces** · 31-01-2007 17:26

Hi Liz,

Firstly a huge congrats on your pregnancy!

I really feel for you and the situation you are in with your mother. I have a similar on again, off again relationship with mine too and I put a lot of her behaviour down to jealousy. She can be very childish sometimes and won't talk to me if she doesn't get her way.

I have often gone through the same should I/shouldn't I have contact scenario. At the end of the day, I can't completely cut my family off but I do try to distance myself from them a little and it does seem to hurt. Although if you let your mind dwell on things too much it is all very upsetting.... unfortunatley there isn't really a way around it. You can't change your mother but you can choose how much you let her behaviour and what she says get to you.

Your pregnancy is there to be enjoyed. Don't let anyone ruin this exciting time for you.

I also live in Sydney, feel free to pm me if you want to chat. None of my friends that I grew up with have children so I have had to meet other mothers since having my two boys. I think once you are able to surround yourself with positive people and have a few friends who you can relate to (and will listen to you whenever you need to vent a little) you'll be feeling a lot better about everything.

Bubhub is a great place to start and remember we are all hear to listen to you whenever you need us

**TeamAwesome** · 31-01-2007 18:16

Hi,
Firstly CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
I'm not in contact with my mum for various reasons some similar to yours but mostly because I was made to feel similar to you... for us its been the best decision we could have made.
I also suggest trying to meet up with some mums/to be in your area. I've come to realise that supportive friends are worth a trillion times more then unsupportive family! We've moved a lot recently and my old friends don't even try to keep in contact with me. So I know what its like not to have them around either.

I probably not helping much but I've never ben happier... so long as you have a supportive partner I think thats what matters most!

**Kizmet** · 31-01-2007 18:19

Hey there!

Firstly Congratulations!! Secondly

and thirdly have you been to any bubhub meets? I notice you're in Sydney we have another meet on the 15th of feb if you're interested in coming! Ive made great friends who are so supportive through bubhub. Let me know i you want meet details

**Lizola** · 02-02-2007 21:20

[QUOTE=lil' starlette;1063288]Hi Liz! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!

Thanks for your reply - I have decided to cut out contact from my Mum right now, and use it as an opportunity to learn to depend on myself a bit more, and that I don't actually need her and her approval to survive!

it's actually much 'safer' for me if I don't have regular contact with her.

I have had different types of therapy over the years :-)... and it does help...there'a a Carolyn Myss book out there that I must get hold of....

To be honest, I don't think the baby coming will make things better - she HATES it if I take the limelight from her. And she'll hate me/the baby getting attention. Tricky, I know!! I have never been able to win with her.

Well, once again, thanks for the reply and the words of support.

Liz X

**118** · 02-02-2007 22:09

Hi Gal,

All the best with the pregnancy birt & childcare. You are a great person. I've similar probs. Yes, easier said than done. My tip keep your distance invest in those who genuinely love /support you & your new dynamics. You'd know who these valued people are. Try your best to do what you can cope with in terms of family relationship but don't be disappointed if they don't respond in a similar way. They are in denial etc. can't change them till they are ready. People like us just need to grin & pay more attention to valuable folk. Yes we spend too much time/effort on pleasing parents that simply can't 'love' us the way we'd dream it to be.

I'm 37 in Aug & hubby 47 ... in short we can't even tell my folks that I'm on iCSi cycle right now. They'd simply can't get it worst of all their friends & family have no idea what all this means. Taboo for roman catholics to have such procedures done. So we just keep it a secret from them.

all will work out & a perfect baby be here by Nov.07.

Take care. Keep up the fluids & try to minimize stress levels r/t family dynamics.

**Mumma_al** · 03-02-2007 11:19

Hi there

My Mum sounds alot like yours. unfortunatly my dad is just as bad.

I've never been an Important aspect of there lives - however my younger brother is. my mum brought me down alot while i was growing up. I grew up beleiving that i wasn't important or loved because of how they treated me. She would sqwash all my ambisions to have a successful career by telliing me that I wouldnt be good enough, that im not suitable and wouldn't make it. One I up and left got my self a decent job and started living my own life. Now I have a wonderful carring partner and a beautiful 15mth old girl.

My mother still try's to interfere, but no matter how hard it is , she is still my mother and i've slowly but surely managed to stand up to her

I think like you mentioned that jealousy has alot to do with it - i dont think she could stand to see me make a better life for myself than she did.

Anyways ill stop rambling - good luck with your mother and be strong. When ever i felt under pressure from my mum while i was pregnant i'd say to myself "i cant stress, it'll affect my baby and im not going to let anyone harm her"

**Ashleigh<3** · 03-02-2007 11:27

HI Liz!

It's crazy that you're 35, happy with your partner, and very much accepting of your pregnancy and your Mum can't even just enjoy that along with you.

You know, once the babies born, she'll probably look at in a different light.
I'm sure your Dad wll be so happy that he's become a Grandfather, that she will become jealous of his enjoyment and definitely want in on it.

As you said it's safe to ignore her. Just keep doing what you think's best.

(I know i'm young, but I've had to deal with this sort of treatment from many people.
Regardless of our age we deserve respect, and even more if we're bringing a baby into the world as it takes a lot of strength to do so).

Goodluck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

**theycallmemum** · 03-02-2007 12:42

Liz, I could have written your post almost word for word. I've had to learn to just move on and let go. I've got 3 children now and it is so hard especially when friends have such close relationships with their mothers and their mothers are so involved in their grandchildren's lives.

What I've finally come to realise is that my mother is happy to have me around as long as I agree with absolutely everything she says (even if it's horrible and cruel) and don't challenge her in anyway. The thing is she doesn't CARE if I'm there or not, she doesn't need me to be in HER life so she has never cared about what comes out of her mouth.

I think pregnancy is the hardest time when you are estranged from your mother.

It's so sad, she's never even seen our youngest son or even know his name.