Unsure of what to do...

**jessi** · 15-01-2007 12:47

So, first of all... Im not sure if this warrants calling Child Welfare... although I am worried about my 3yr old nephew.

My BIL & SIL split about 6 months ago... and I have know about a few of these things for a while now but at a family gathering on the weekend, I was really shocked to see what was happening... right in front of my own eyes!!

Ok, so Nephew lives with his mother. However, she hardley sees him at all. She is always palming him off to other family members. (Im suprised he knows she is his mother..) She has recently got a new boyfriend which means she sees him even less... leaving him with who ever will take him. She will say "I will be 5hrs" and ends up comming back about 12hrs later. And she always seems to have her phone turned off when the people who are watching my nephew try to call her. (She has done this to me a few times)

Now, when she drops him at other peoples houses- she brings him with the clothes he has on his back and the nappy on his bum and thats it. (He is 3yrs old and still hasnt been toilet trained) She leaves him without any toys, clothes or nappies and takes off for hours... sometimes even a day or so at a time.

When she brings him to my BIL's house, she does the same thing.... BIL doesnt buy him any nappies or toys etc... so he is left in what he has. MIL is so sick of this that she has been buying him toys, clothes & nappies but when SIL comes to pick nephew up- everything goes home with her NEVER to be seen again.Also, when nephew is at BIL's house, if he make so much as a small whimpering noise (yes, he has a very limited vocab... probably as good as a 1.5yr olds), he is sent to his "room", which is just a room with a bed in it until he is completely quiet and then he is allowed outy. BIL believes the whole 'tough love' thing works.

The problem isnt only with SIL... BIL doesnt seem to want nephew around either... he will call saying he is 'comming around to visit and is bringing nephew with him'... and then turns up and within 5 mins, he has bailed and left the kid there without even asking if anyone can watch him.

They dont change his nappies (except for when he poos), and the child has been known to soak through his nappies all the time (as you would expect with him being 3 yrs old!).

The poor kid... fits into size 0's!! Thats the size my 4.5month old is currently in!! (except he is very tall for his age... just EXTREMELY SKINNY)... We are all just so sad at how this poor child is being treated. He was looked after so well when BIL and SIL were together.

BIL was saying to me yesterday that he was planning on doing all these courses... which are during the day on the weekends... I asked my other SIL what he would be doing with nephew and she rolled her eyes and said "exactly what he always does"- which is dump nephew on whoever.

SIL has been trying to get BIL to sign papers so she could move to Brisbane with Nephew.... but we just found out shes actually planning on taking nephew to NZ and living there. She has some relatives there- which means that nephew would be dumped on them while SIL did what she wanted.

Now I know that they are trying to establish new lives without each other.... but they have to acknowledge that they are this child's PARENTS. If I was a single parent, my CHILD would be my top priority! Not getting laid! And they are 5yrs older than me!!

I dont know if this warrants getting called into Child welfare... and I dont know if I could do it.... My DF doesnt think BIL is doing anything wrong. And Im pretty sure, if they found out it was me that called them in, Id be disowned from the family...

I dont know what to do. BIL & SIL dont listen to us telling them to shape up... But I am seriously concerned for the health & welfare of my nephew. I can already see how unhappy he is... I cant even imagine what he will be like as a teen if he stays in these environments!

**borntobemummy** · 15-01-2007 12:53

It's tough when it's your family. But I would call, tell them everything you've observed and see what they suggest, if they think it is serious enough to take action, it probably is and would be the best for your nephew. You need to think of the little boy first and his welfare over everything else. It seems to me (without knowing more) that everyone would be better off and happier if your nephew were raised by someone else in a stable home. HTH

**SMBT** · 15-01-2007 13:01

Hi,'
I've never been in this predicament before, but I would assume that if this was going on with a member of my family, I would try and work something out with the family members, maybe the MIL etc.
It is definitely the poor little boy that needs the attention in this case.
Certain things you mentioned about him not being given the neccessities (eg, clean nappies etc) is very disheartening to listen to. That is what makes me think, yes you should call welfare, but would you really want your little nephew to have to go through there procedures (whatever they are?).
Is there someway that your family could get together to discuss options of what to do with your nephew or your SIL or BIL first?

It may come down to someone else in the family taking responsibility of your nephew, but then again, this is the parents responsilbility and it sounds to me like they just couldn't be bothered with any of it. I feel so strongly for the little boy. This is such an enjoyable time of their little lives, getting themselves ready for kindy and big school, he should be starting to make transitions and it is sad to hear that he has not even been given the opportunities to just be a kid (play with toys and experience the love of his parents which is so very crucial at this time of his development).

Have a think about what is affecting his life now, and how things are going to affect him in the future. He may be too young to realise what is going on now, but will definitely have major setbacks later in life, if things are not dealt with earlier rather than later. So I reitify work it out between yourselves, but if nothing can be agreed on, then yes, I would do something more about it.

Good luck with you decisions.

***Country Bumpkin*** · 15-01-2007 14:02

I would call them. I wouldnt even hesitate.

By the sounds of it this poor child is being neglected not only physical but emotionaly.

Neglect IS a form of child abuse.. call them.

You might be the only person who can savers this poor little man from his idiotic parents

**Mummaof2** · 15-01-2007 14:11

Hi Jessi,

Im so sorry to hear your nephew going through something like this.

My best friend lives in Brisbane and works for child welfare (quite high up) if you like i could pass the details on to her and get her to look into it for you.

Feel free to PM if you would like to talk about anything.

**munchkin05** · 15-01-2007 14:13

Originally Posted by *Country Bumpkin*

I would call them. I wouldnt even hesitate.

By the sounds of it this poor child is being neglected not only physical but emotionaly.

Neglect IS a form of child abuse.. call them.

You might be the only person who can savers this poor little man from his idiotic parents

couldnt have said it better myself

your bil and sil need a wake up call that little man should be their world not an inconvience

**jessi** · 16-01-2007 08:28

DF doesnt think that we should bother talking to them about it... he also said he is ****ed off at them 4 doing this to Nephew, and everyone! but everyone does things different. (Wha?!) And he doesnt think that they are 'BAD' parents, they are just doing it differently.
I said everything I did in the first post to him and he said he knew but what could we do about it?
I said we should offer to have Nephew with us for abit... not to live but to come play for abit. If he doesnt have fun at home, then he will certainly have fun here.
I think doing that would be making it easier on the parents... which I dont want to do, they need to realise that this boy is their responsibility.
Anyways, MIL has been looking after him and buying him everything but we were talking the other day and she said she cant do it anymore because she needs to work to survive, and because they are bailing the child on her all the time, she has to refuse work....
I really dont see any other way of getting them to pay attn to their child.
But still, DF definatly wont agree with me doing this, and the family would probably disown me if they found out I called DOCS.

**melfunction** · 16-01-2007 08:41

That is so sad Jessi. Poor little boy

I would probably call DOCS. You can call them anonymously.
It's not fair to this little boy that he is being neglected and yet, he no doubt sees what goes on in other peoples houses and is wondering what he did wrong.

**Little Gorilla** · 16-01-2007 08:52

Jessi....I have been in the exact position recently with my 6 year old nephew...I could have almost written your post word for word except for the nappy part.

I was soooo close to calling DOCs on them. However, MIL kind of took over the general care of my nephew and told the parents to clean up their act or else she would be calling DOCs herself.

The situation your nephew is in will have longterm effects on him...from what you say is he already behind physically, emotionally and mentally...which is so, so, so sad and doesn't it just rip you apart watching and being quite helpless.

I would ring up and report them...but are you or your MIL willing to take over the care of the child until things are sorted out between the parents? Surely if DOCs were involved they would want to put the child with family rather than take him away.