I need some support

**mysterygirl** · 13-01-2007 07:35

I have so much going through my mind, I have no-one I can speak to & it's really doing my head in.
My story....
I have a DH & 10mth DS & have just found out if pregnant however, it is the result of an affair which has been going on for some time. I'm so torn because I really DO love my DH although we have some pretty big problems & I really DO love the person I'm having an affair with & it's mutual.
I can't tell my husband... if I decide to tell him until I know for sure what I'm going to do.
I have the full support of the other man no matter what my final decision is but my heart is breaking just thinking about all the possibilities that could unfold.
I feel like I need to face the concequences for my actions head on & confess all to DH & let him be involved in the decision making process but I'm scared that he'll leave me & his DS... and possibly another baby.
I know that I would love both children unconditionally & do the very best I possibly could for them but I don't want to shatter my DH by telling him the truth.
Am I being so unrealistic to think that DH would stick by me & have this baby with me????
I have made an appointment to have a termination but don't know if I can go through with it. If I do, everything goes back to "normal" & If I don't I could struggle financially for the rest of my life & then I might not be able to give my child or future children as good a life as they deserve.
I'm torn & feeling very very alone & don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening.

**Zada** · 13-01-2007 07:41

personally u NEED to tell ure DH he has the right to know. Even if u do decide a termination is the best choice, dont u think he still has the right to know about that?

BTW im not being nasty i know how hard it must be

**ziggie** · 13-01-2007 07:43

Oh boy.... you've definately got yourself into a pickle, haven't you? Here's some

. Good on you for being so honest, and for seeking advice.
I would have to be honest to DH, I'm afraid. I could never live with myself for keeping such a huge secret.
Good luck, with all your decisions.

**brooke** · 13-01-2007 07:51

wow, thats so big news. I think your dh has a right to know either way. do you think you would be able to go on with things "as normal" after it???
thats something you really need to think about.
do you want to be with your dh or the other guy? do you see yourself having a future with the other man????
Good on you for being so honest with us and seeking advise thats the 1st step
sending you a million of these.

we will be here for you if you need to talk more

**Blessed Mum** · 13-01-2007 07:57

OK I have to say you play with fire you get burnt as the saying goes thats IMHO. However that does not help you & that is what you are here too seek.

I really feel for you I cannot imagine how torn you must feel you do need to put ur husband in the picture - is there any chance it may be ur husbands child or just more likely going from dates that it is a result of your affair?

I honestly hope you can work this out & get through it

Best of luck

**Pippi Longstocking** · 13-01-2007 07:58

You need to tell your husband. Please don't put it off. My brother's wife found herself in exactly the same position and put off telling my brother for two years. In that time, she had the baby, my brother loved "his" daughter and was utterly devastated to find out that not only had his wife betrayed him but his little girl wasn't his. (DNA has since confirmed the baby isn't my brother's).

Don't betray your husband anymore than you already have. You've acted badly and now you need to face the consequences. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I am not trying to be mean, I do empathise with you

. It must be an awful position to find yourself in. But honestly, you got yourself there and it is up to you to get yourself out.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you the way you want it too

**Foxy** · 13-01-2007 08:04

Gee that's such a tough situation. I agree with everyone else, you need to tell your DH ASAP! The longer you leave it the worse it will be. He deserves the truth, and you can both take it from there. Good luck.

**kiah** · 13-01-2007 08:12

Things wont go back to normal if u hav a termination.....it is a big deal for anyone to live with especially if u continue to stay with your husband....and not tell him....

...if u do love the person u hav had the affair with and hav their support....maybe u should leave your husband...and face the consequences...at least i suppose u r being true to yourself....

....im just not sure what to write....but i feel very sad for u....your unborn child....and i have to say it...i really feel for your husband.....

....one word...honesty....

**4tiggers** · 13-01-2007 08:49

Mysterygirl, I am wondering if you have thought of why you sought the comfort of another. If dh isnt giving you the love and support that you need and this other person is, can you see a lasting relationship continuing with dh even if you werent having an affair. Before deciding on a termination I would be considering your marriage, 2, 10 even 20 years down the track. Do you really want to stay with him. Your baby son will know if mum isnt happy and I am guessing you arent happy because you are now in love with another. Be honest about your own feelings towards each man. Is this other man married or could you have a family with him ( if you wanted). My sister had a baby to her dh that isnt his, the real father knows and I am waiting for him to come back into the picture. Her son is now 12 and doesnt look a thing like his siblings. The biological father is still without any other children and is feeling quite desperate to know this one. I know it is difficult now but there is a future for you and it will be bright.

**meme** · 13-01-2007 08:54

what a tough one.
i think you need to make a decision about what you want out of life.
what is most important to you.

are you ok with having a termination? if you are it may be easier to sort out with one less person who is involved.
however it is not a light decision to make.
whoever the father is,, you are the mother.

imo even if you choose not to tell your dp about the pregnancy and terminate you need to tell him that the relationship is crumbling. you need to stop the affair and work on your marriage, or get out of the marriage. if you do love your dp, you need to show him some respect and be honest with him.

things may not ever go back to 'normal'.
but that's ok.
you need to do whats right for you, without hurting those around you.

good luck to you.